I have MS?

I have MS. No, it's not diagnosed yet.  I will be pushing for a diagnosis.
Last night I looked up the disease. I was wondering about how my right hand has been acting the last few weeks. It's a new thing. It just fumbles or is weak, and then it'll recover. No pain, no message of debility, just my hand acting like there's static on the line. This was something I figured you got with MS. I knew I was at risk but thought the condition would be really dramatic because of my Dad's story (mom made it out bigger than it was) and the extreme case woman I knew and another couple people, all of whom acted like the world owed them pearls for their suffering, me included.
Well shit.  I have been enduring as much, if not more, as any of them. I've been puzzling and adjusting my diet and my exercise and doing more meditating and  more stress management and stretching and just puzzled and suffering. Addressing each symptom on it's own as an isolated problem next to other problems. But the whole time, I have had MS. For probably a quarter century or more.  Heck, the lassitude started in the 90s. Having a weariness overcome me at random times appropo of nothing, so heavy in my bones I need to be angry to move.
oh, and anger is a symptom.  Euphoric happiness is a symptom. Anxiety. Depression and suicidality.  Go figger.
The muscle cramps?  MS
The twitches and spasms and random itches and tickles?  Heck, I never even bothered to worry about the latter, it's so minor.
EVEN the bowel problems!!!!!
I do not know what this means in terms of my medical status, and it's wednesday before I can discuss it with Patrick. Naturally I'm terrified he'll shoot me down half heard and get exasperated and tell me I need to discuss it with the pshrinks on friday.  I definitely will, btw.
But goddamn the intellectual relief of this answer is as profound as finding out where a missing person was all these years. I am just reeling.
I have MS.
God, the number of people who've used their illnesses to put me down and make me feel like I have to serve them, all the while I had it at least as bad, probably worse.
I mean it. Worse. The chick with cancer?  Yeah, I had that.  The chick with MS who had to be coddled everywhere, check, I was living with that unsupported.  Oh, you broke your back?  Mine's been broken since I was 27.  Yeah, I raw dog that shit. Sort of. I use marijuana when I can afford it.  I buy it before I buy food.  I'd rather be hungry and medicated than fed and barfing it up in pain, you know?  But hey, you're definitely more needy and disabled than me, your mommy said so. 
Fuck.
FUCK!!!!!!!!
I deserve so much better.

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