processing health awareness is painful

I want to walk through my feelings about my health.
I've been doing this symptom diary since the start of the month.  My health is way worse than I realized.
I worry the NP won't read it.  
I worry he will take it too seriously.
I worry what it means for me that things seem to have gotten so bad.
Then I try to gaslight and dismiss myself.  Both from the history of being spoken to like that, and in the desire to lessen my fear.
Because it's kind of scary.
Like i want a walker scary.  I am going to ask for a walker. The kind with the seat, the wheels, and the brakes.  So I can get the dogs to the dog park again, for example.  
It's kind of exciting like a new thing and regaining freedom. But it's terrifying maybe they'll take it wrong, say no, and give me grief.  It's terrifying to realize I actually do need one. I think.
I mean, I walk without it. But not far. Not happily.
what's going to happen to me?  I can handle this level of immobility, I guess, but stuck in a noisy facility with people in my face all day and no dogs or canary and being force fed sugar?  
Then I reassure myself, if i wasn't recording symptoms, I wouldn't even notice.  I wouldn't think twice that I spend all day every day sitting on the couch doing sedate tasks unless the world calls me out. After which I'm wiped and in pain for days. I wouldn't feel bad about it. It is normal, after all. But then isn't that part of why being unable to feed myself properly seems ok?  Because living isn't really a big deal.  It's kind of meh. And unpleasant around the edges besides. And the future looks awful shit.
Temps are up high enough I can't keep cold food anymore. Shelf stable or single portion foods only means I simply can't feed myself properly. Even oranges, I was throwing out half of them because they don't keep here.  
I don't have refrigeration.  I don't have plumbing. I can't cook much, just one pot and quick. I don't have the money. I can't trust a soup kitchen or restaurant  because of the medical restrictions.
So sure, I declared I"m eating, and I am, but I do not know if I will continue to lose weight. I'm unable to calculate the ingredients of some of the concoctions I've been eating.
Take this hot chocolate.  Baker's chocolate, 2tbsp honey, 1tbsp ghee, 3tblsp sweetened condensed milk, 1/4 packet gelatin powder.  What is the count?  I throw ghee in my coffee too.  I do tea with the milk. Then there's just pickled eggs, a banana, seaweed. I keept coconut water every other day because it's so expensive but at this point I sometimes wonder why I don't just gobble it all up and then go empty. Be not hungry now. Because being empty is not as bad as underfed.
Well I got free weed on the weekend and more food, and so I figure, ok, just keep on swimming, keep on swimming...
Time is hard for me. It feels longer and shorter in all the wrong spots.
Cocoa is gone. Sad face.

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