Nobody's business, not mine.
I was watching Harold and Maude again and decided to research Bud Cort. This brought up the frequently asked question about his sexual proclivities. The answer, it would see is, "none of your business, how dare you even ask?" That's an old fashioned gentleman's answer to be sure, and a good one. In fact, if we answered this way more often, that would please a lot of people. All the same, it also enables the bullies to operate without dissenting voices and examples of the truth popping up. Now if we all just could tell those damn bullies we don't care, that'd work too. But we do care. Why do we ask? Oh yes, I asked myself that question. It's not because I have a romantic interest in the man, although I adored his character in the movie. Mostly I adored it due to the quality of acting. That results in admiring the man for his work, and the research. But again, why do I want to know if he's gay? Well, the answer was pretty clear, it's gaydar calibration. That ability to "guess" whether someone is straight, gay, or pansexual, asexual, etc. I don't suppose I really can make a case for even having, much less cultivating, gaydar. I used to say it was a way of not wasting my time hitting on gay men but who are we kidding? it was about being able to be a bully when hanging with the bullies. You're trying to fit in, to get some laughs, to dish some gossip, because they talk with you then. I never talked it out before right now, so never had to realize I was doing it, even when I wasn't anymore, I was still holding that bit of me, just asking the question.
I remember a guy trying to make that point, and it's been sinking in gradually over the years. I wish he could know how long that question has remained with me and how much power it had. He asked me why it's anyone's business what he does behind closed doors or with whom? I really can't come up with any justification for the question "is gay?" Not one, can you? I mean, if you hit on someone it's not like you deserve to know why they say no. If you're not their taste, it can be as simple as eye colour or as complicated as gender or class. Or maybe they just find you offensive or uninteresting and really don't want to insult you while rejecting you.
So I think henceforth, the question is going to be "how do you forget to care about it?" Because I'd really rather stop asking about these things!
Why do I have this habit so ingrained? well, aside from growing up in a homophobic society at a time when deviation from the norm was a disease to be repaired. I recall our family discussing with diistressing frequency, this very topic. Sexual orientation was a thing to be judged, weighed, and condemned, the same as any other character mark which deviated from the average. My father would then pronounce sentence on the entire lot, firing squad death. Yep. Seriously, he would say it with greeat rage. Once he intimated some knowlege of rape in the merchant marines and I suspect it wascommon enough in his life to colour his opinion of gay men so horribly. I suppose in his world, gaydar was a warning system that helped him avoid rape. As a woman I had to fine tune my intuition more keenly. It wasn't going to do to just fear all heterosexual men! Men these days, I think, are also learning to read character more closely, rather than relying on such basic markers as sexual orientation, culture or race, religion, etc. Character rises above all those parameters and is worthy of notice. To dismiss someone without finding out their basic character is a terrible waste. What matters more, tehir ability to laugh, or to be trusted?
I remember a guy trying to make that point, and it's been sinking in gradually over the years. I wish he could know how long that question has remained with me and how much power it had. He asked me why it's anyone's business what he does behind closed doors or with whom? I really can't come up with any justification for the question "is gay?" Not one, can you? I mean, if you hit on someone it's not like you deserve to know why they say no. If you're not their taste, it can be as simple as eye colour or as complicated as gender or class. Or maybe they just find you offensive or uninteresting and really don't want to insult you while rejecting you.
So I think henceforth, the question is going to be "how do you forget to care about it?" Because I'd really rather stop asking about these things!
Why do I have this habit so ingrained? well, aside from growing up in a homophobic society at a time when deviation from the norm was a disease to be repaired. I recall our family discussing with diistressing frequency, this very topic. Sexual orientation was a thing to be judged, weighed, and condemned, the same as any other character mark which deviated from the average. My father would then pronounce sentence on the entire lot, firing squad death. Yep. Seriously, he would say it with greeat rage. Once he intimated some knowlege of rape in the merchant marines and I suspect it wascommon enough in his life to colour his opinion of gay men so horribly. I suppose in his world, gaydar was a warning system that helped him avoid rape. As a woman I had to fine tune my intuition more keenly. It wasn't going to do to just fear all heterosexual men! Men these days, I think, are also learning to read character more closely, rather than relying on such basic markers as sexual orientation, culture or race, religion, etc. Character rises above all those parameters and is worthy of notice. To dismiss someone without finding out their basic character is a terrible waste. What matters more, tehir ability to laugh, or to be trusted?