Let this go too long
I should totally write in here, it's been 3 days.
We've been designing our tiny house in sketchup. It's looking really spiffy. We've got twin lofts above on either end, with kitchen on one side and bathroom on the other. The great room in the center is lofty and formally balanced and the design esthetic is Modernist Urban with metal siding, geometric glass for windows instead of mullions and such. Inside will be done up like an art gallery with most of my art collection being able to come along, I think. Some creativity may be required and I'm concerned I'll clutter it too much. This is what the 3d model lets me test. I will create the art in there and hang it in the house and see for myself! We have invented two fabulous sculptureal elements of wood that are actually twin stair flights to the loft. It's an amalgam of the box shelf stairs we've seen and the alternating tread circular stairs we've seen. We started with a pile of 12" cubes and then arranged them until we had the smallest footprint and a useable tread pattern to ascend even when I've been at the vodka.
Just had a design flash, all railing, hand rails, safety rails, and related fixtures will be out of painted cold cast iron pipe or lighter replacement when strength is less important. So there'll be white walls and ceilings, wood floor with rugs. I'm putting my grand kitchen chandelier in the great room, I'll get a kitchen fixture to replace it in the house. There's a pair of crystal sconces in storage to match it, so I'll put them at the top of the staircases. Two large paintings will head that wall, with our 3d tv, a low horizontal slice window, and finally the fireplace center stage. the stairs will wing away and our two club chairs will be on wheels and balance the space. We'll have 12 inches of space in the great room floor to access from the two sunken areas and traps in the main floor. we can put our water tanks in there and I can fit in a treadmill if I try hard, and I intend to. Dan's begun to swear at the computer, better take timmy for awhile. I do that on sketchup a lot so yeah, I get it. I'm intending to that shortly but finishing this brief entry keeps getting stalled. Either it's go over there to convey another new idea (they're coming like freight trains) or he's calling me for something, or one of the pets needs attention. mostly it's me jumping up to convey another idea. So get off this blog, now, yo, enough is enough.
Oh my birthday. I guess I should discuss it, that's new. This year I'm furiously rejecting all birthday wishes. They enrage me, have for years, and I've been polite but simmered more year after year as the simple token obligation is passed to me and nothing more, not even by those close to me. Since my parents quit putting on birthday parties, I haven't had one. I've tried a few times in the past and would sit pathetically in a decorated room as one or two paramours and sometimes perhaps a female friend would sit around my house pretending it's an awesome party. it usually works out okay but the lack of gifts from my guests would rankle. Occasoinally someone would bring me something, and once in a while it was actually thoughtful, but mostly not even so much as a bottle of wine to bring to my party! So as the years dragged on and I gave up trying to host a party I started to realize that other people would get cards and a token party at work, I would not even have a slice saved from the cake of someone else's birthday. That actually happened, someone else had a birthday on my birthday and I when I came in for my night shift, there was not one single slice saved for me let alone so much as a note to me about my birthday. It rankles.
So I've been trying to deal with this anger. First off, I should quit repressing it completely. it isn't entirely worthless or useless. Secondly, I should examine the expectations that gave it birth. I'm working from a sense of entitlement based on the learned expectations of equivalency. the idea that we should all get treated in a balanced way, that life should be fair.
I know it isn't, and people aren't, and I'm supposed to love them in spite of it. I also recognize that birthdays are a vanity fest. I get that a mother would mark her beloved child's natal day. So would a father. that would certainly create a family tradition. But as adults, is it not just a way of being king for a day? To be treated like you're important for a day. Nice, yeah, but not necessarily good for your character, know what I mean?
So today I'm repulsing birthday wishes. If that's all you're going to do for my "king for a day" is tell me you hope I am able to make myself feel that way, over here all alone by myself again, fuck you and shut up, you know? where ARE you? Why aren't you inviting me to do something with you or showing up with something that'll make me feel nice as a gift? Is it so hard to pick up cheap supermarket flowers or a bottle of simple wine? Maybe you have something nice you are finished with and ready to share, give that, but don't just tell someone you never see, never talk to, and never interact with to "have a happy birthday" because we feel commanded to do the impossible. there is nothing, unless I personally do the work, that makes this day different from yesterday or tomorrow except I have license with my poor hubby and my conscience to be a bigger ass than normal. Well I refuse to continue exercising that license. It does nobody any good and doesn't make the day happier at all. So, no, I will not have a happy birthday, but I'm darn proud of my age and you have a lovely day anyway. I won't have an unhappy day, just not a birthday. I am opting out. Sorry if your polite toes get stepped on when you foolishly use the computer calendar to send out the obligatory internet spam of greetings. if you're not in touch with me, don't bother me unless you intend to change that. I could sure use more friends in my life. In my life, not on the edge of it. I already have too many acquaintances imposing on my affections. I don't like it and don't want it. They take, they don't give. I don't give a shit what your excuse is, just go back to your life.
We've been designing our tiny house in sketchup. It's looking really spiffy. We've got twin lofts above on either end, with kitchen on one side and bathroom on the other. The great room in the center is lofty and formally balanced and the design esthetic is Modernist Urban with metal siding, geometric glass for windows instead of mullions and such. Inside will be done up like an art gallery with most of my art collection being able to come along, I think. Some creativity may be required and I'm concerned I'll clutter it too much. This is what the 3d model lets me test. I will create the art in there and hang it in the house and see for myself! We have invented two fabulous sculptureal elements of wood that are actually twin stair flights to the loft. It's an amalgam of the box shelf stairs we've seen and the alternating tread circular stairs we've seen. We started with a pile of 12" cubes and then arranged them until we had the smallest footprint and a useable tread pattern to ascend even when I've been at the vodka.
Just had a design flash, all railing, hand rails, safety rails, and related fixtures will be out of painted cold cast iron pipe or lighter replacement when strength is less important. So there'll be white walls and ceilings, wood floor with rugs. I'm putting my grand kitchen chandelier in the great room, I'll get a kitchen fixture to replace it in the house. There's a pair of crystal sconces in storage to match it, so I'll put them at the top of the staircases. Two large paintings will head that wall, with our 3d tv, a low horizontal slice window, and finally the fireplace center stage. the stairs will wing away and our two club chairs will be on wheels and balance the space. We'll have 12 inches of space in the great room floor to access from the two sunken areas and traps in the main floor. we can put our water tanks in there and I can fit in a treadmill if I try hard, and I intend to. Dan's begun to swear at the computer, better take timmy for awhile. I do that on sketchup a lot so yeah, I get it. I'm intending to that shortly but finishing this brief entry keeps getting stalled. Either it's go over there to convey another new idea (they're coming like freight trains) or he's calling me for something, or one of the pets needs attention. mostly it's me jumping up to convey another idea. So get off this blog, now, yo, enough is enough.
Oh my birthday. I guess I should discuss it, that's new. This year I'm furiously rejecting all birthday wishes. They enrage me, have for years, and I've been polite but simmered more year after year as the simple token obligation is passed to me and nothing more, not even by those close to me. Since my parents quit putting on birthday parties, I haven't had one. I've tried a few times in the past and would sit pathetically in a decorated room as one or two paramours and sometimes perhaps a female friend would sit around my house pretending it's an awesome party. it usually works out okay but the lack of gifts from my guests would rankle. Occasoinally someone would bring me something, and once in a while it was actually thoughtful, but mostly not even so much as a bottle of wine to bring to my party! So as the years dragged on and I gave up trying to host a party I started to realize that other people would get cards and a token party at work, I would not even have a slice saved from the cake of someone else's birthday. That actually happened, someone else had a birthday on my birthday and I when I came in for my night shift, there was not one single slice saved for me let alone so much as a note to me about my birthday. It rankles.
So I've been trying to deal with this anger. First off, I should quit repressing it completely. it isn't entirely worthless or useless. Secondly, I should examine the expectations that gave it birth. I'm working from a sense of entitlement based on the learned expectations of equivalency. the idea that we should all get treated in a balanced way, that life should be fair.
I know it isn't, and people aren't, and I'm supposed to love them in spite of it. I also recognize that birthdays are a vanity fest. I get that a mother would mark her beloved child's natal day. So would a father. that would certainly create a family tradition. But as adults, is it not just a way of being king for a day? To be treated like you're important for a day. Nice, yeah, but not necessarily good for your character, know what I mean?
So today I'm repulsing birthday wishes. If that's all you're going to do for my "king for a day" is tell me you hope I am able to make myself feel that way, over here all alone by myself again, fuck you and shut up, you know? where ARE you? Why aren't you inviting me to do something with you or showing up with something that'll make me feel nice as a gift? Is it so hard to pick up cheap supermarket flowers or a bottle of simple wine? Maybe you have something nice you are finished with and ready to share, give that, but don't just tell someone you never see, never talk to, and never interact with to "have a happy birthday" because we feel commanded to do the impossible. there is nothing, unless I personally do the work, that makes this day different from yesterday or tomorrow except I have license with my poor hubby and my conscience to be a bigger ass than normal. Well I refuse to continue exercising that license. It does nobody any good and doesn't make the day happier at all. So, no, I will not have a happy birthday, but I'm darn proud of my age and you have a lovely day anyway. I won't have an unhappy day, just not a birthday. I am opting out. Sorry if your polite toes get stepped on when you foolishly use the computer calendar to send out the obligatory internet spam of greetings. if you're not in touch with me, don't bother me unless you intend to change that. I could sure use more friends in my life. In my life, not on the edge of it. I already have too many acquaintances imposing on my affections. I don't like it and don't want it. They take, they don't give. I don't give a shit what your excuse is, just go back to your life.