don't should on me!
I no longer type directly into Blogger. Some weird thing happens when I mistype with left hand while trying to type a capital letter I. Not sure what combo I accidentally hit but it puts me into "toggle italics" mode and I can't type a letter i for anything. All hitting that key does is toggle italics on and off!
So I've got a really awesome word processing app iAWriter that really does the trick. I just type it all up and paste it over.
Yesterday I took my boxes round to Early's and there was no halloween thing for my dressed up dogs nor much staff around. The woman who did look at my boxes dissed them, thought they weren't worth anything unless they actually contained something. She wasn't rude about it but I had heard enough of that on Wednesday so I cut the chat short as calmly as I could, tried to put on a cheery face about it and fled. Then I was at the Mercedes dealership to arrange for work on my car and I got to show the boxes to a couple of the women there. One is a shuttle driver, the other is the service department manager/booker. I'm really tickled to see women working in that department and she is no slacker on the job either. Both women wanted to buy but didn't have cash, so they told me to bring them back when I come in with my car. I hope they'll spend the week mentioning it to others and I might have more customers. I think my only way to sell these ultimately will be to stop strangers on the street for them, or if Etsy has a turn-around. I posted the new ones up.
I'll be so shocked if I actually have an etsy sale one day. I think Etsy is all makers and no consumers.
I stayed up an hour late watching a movie and slept in an hour, but at the usual up-getting time Timmy started threatening to pee in the bedroom so I got up. I found Dan in the can and I had to pee, Timmy did, Sarah did, and so urgently we couldn't wait to put on warmer clothing. Out into the frosty back yard we all three ran, shivering, to water the driveway a bit. Timmy and I then retreated back to our warm bed for another hour and a half.
I've been having a problem with my vape. A bad habit of hitting the switch first, inhaling second, is causing me to burn through the little element that's replaced. At $5 or so a pop, it's an issue that I'm wrecking them so fast! It's a simple matter of changing my finger habit and pressing the button after. Comes from using the marijuana vape last year before it broke, where I'd have to get the product warmed up before anything happened. On the upside, that vape has now saved me 3 times in the last week. By saved, I mean it stopped an emotional breakdown caused by having to interact with people. It's for that, and I'm really hopeful it'll enable more natural activity in my life. Let me go interact with humans a little more, and certainly when I have, allow me to return to a normal state right away instead of hours or days later. It can be pretty disabling if you can't quit crying and the vape really fixed that for me 3x last week! Once was in Optika and I did break down, but it passed really fast after some furious vape sucking and I was able to return to the situation and continue. The next time, I was having trouble composing myself before going inside to approach someone (who wasn't in anyway) and vaping first calmed me back down. Last time was on leaving Early's yesterday. Without it, the way I felt about losing my last-ditch store, the one place I thought I could count on, would have seen me going home crying and unable to interact with anyone else. Instead, I vaped my car blue on the way to Mercedes and went in calm and friendly!
That much nicotine (and thc in that formulation) would normally require the total and complete destruction of my lungs!
Oh I hear you, out there, Mr. Normal, who never has to deal with this kind of "crazy people stuff" as you say "don't they have pills for that?" Yeah, they have pills for that. But it's rather like looking at a stuck electronics screw and grabbing the air hammer to take it out. The pills they give you cause more grief than they solve. They turn the patient into a zombie to do their job and the brain gradually dissolves. You can't take them for the moment you need them, but live on them 24/7. That means, since it's not fixing anything, that the problem gets bigger than the pill, because it's a weed that isn't being addressed. I mean, anxiety is partly chemical, but there's a huge part of it that's behaviour and habit. You'll override it eventually and ramp yourself up into a frenzy again and get stronger pills. A life lived like that results in total debility by the senior years and certainly the person rarely triumphs in their life. I don't know if thc and nicotine will enable to me to triumph but they won't dissolve my brain, overtax my kidneys and liver, or need to be at constantly high levels. I can medicate myself within seconds of applying the treatment and guage exactly how much medicine I'm using to match the current need.
I am pretty pleased, except for the part where I'm destroying the heating elements overnight. that makes a harsh burn too.
Today is going to be wasted again. Wasted? well, in terms of "did you take on the world yet" but not from my own POV. I'll be working on knitting, watching TV, feeling guilty about not taking on the world, and not much else. I've started my 2nd pair of socks and it's going like I know what I'm doing! The first ankle is done and it's tidy and compact and regular and I've started on the heel bit without once needing to look at instructions. This will also fit better now I know how big is too big! I may not have to carefully shape it round my foot like a slipper either! So I'm stupidly eager to get back at it. Not so eager to continue painting boxes. I've got some ideas for boxes and I'd like to get some more done before I take them out again, but I just can't feel the same drive now I know there's not going to be a shelf full of them somewhere in town. I get so full of daydreams, it's that much more disappointing when it fails. I should know better but I live in a world full of people who think pretending success is inevitable and failure is forgettable, so I get infected with "try again until you succeed" attitude. I think it's not good, though, it's how people get even deeper into failure! For someone as disabled as me, trying so hard only gets me level with the normals who aren't winning!
I see these news stories where the disabled person gets celebrated for overcoming so much of their disability. Wooo, he can feed himself without aid! Or similar declarations. The guy who can finally open his own door, etc. But me? I'm not disabled, look at her, she's got a fully functioning body and a keen intellect. All that's wrong with her is she thinks she can get away with something.
Yeah, you have NO idea how far I've come. Nobody ever will except me and I'll never credit for my accomplishments. At best, I'll get "encouraged" aka pushed and criticized to reach that one more inch further.
If a blind man says "I cannot see that" you can be sure someone will describe it. If I say "I cannot do that" you can be sure they'll push me harder and absolutely refuse to help me to ensure they don't ennable my weakness. Because blindness makes sense, it's a mechanical problem. Autism that isn't the form of screaming and flapping vegetable person is just not fathomed. They can't understand and won't and it makes social interaction that much harder for me. I spend so much of each conversation fending off "you shoulds" from people that I often lose my composure not from fear or sorrow or shame, but pure fury! Not that I can tell them.
Feedback becomes insult the moment you volunteer it. Only when asked is it feedback. Telling someone "you should" is just not cool. If you wouldn't why should they? If you would, why not offer to help them with it? Oh, you're too busy and they're not that important? Then it's not your place to help them AT ALL because you don't know them well enough to have usefull suggestions. Tell a joke instead.
Okey dokey, I've done my blogging duty, time for pirated movies and knitting and mocha coffee!
So I've got a really awesome word processing app iAWriter that really does the trick. I just type it all up and paste it over.
Yesterday I took my boxes round to Early's and there was no halloween thing for my dressed up dogs nor much staff around. The woman who did look at my boxes dissed them, thought they weren't worth anything unless they actually contained something. She wasn't rude about it but I had heard enough of that on Wednesday so I cut the chat short as calmly as I could, tried to put on a cheery face about it and fled. Then I was at the Mercedes dealership to arrange for work on my car and I got to show the boxes to a couple of the women there. One is a shuttle driver, the other is the service department manager/booker. I'm really tickled to see women working in that department and she is no slacker on the job either. Both women wanted to buy but didn't have cash, so they told me to bring them back when I come in with my car. I hope they'll spend the week mentioning it to others and I might have more customers. I think my only way to sell these ultimately will be to stop strangers on the street for them, or if Etsy has a turn-around. I posted the new ones up.
I'll be so shocked if I actually have an etsy sale one day. I think Etsy is all makers and no consumers.
I stayed up an hour late watching a movie and slept in an hour, but at the usual up-getting time Timmy started threatening to pee in the bedroom so I got up. I found Dan in the can and I had to pee, Timmy did, Sarah did, and so urgently we couldn't wait to put on warmer clothing. Out into the frosty back yard we all three ran, shivering, to water the driveway a bit. Timmy and I then retreated back to our warm bed for another hour and a half.
I've been having a problem with my vape. A bad habit of hitting the switch first, inhaling second, is causing me to burn through the little element that's replaced. At $5 or so a pop, it's an issue that I'm wrecking them so fast! It's a simple matter of changing my finger habit and pressing the button after. Comes from using the marijuana vape last year before it broke, where I'd have to get the product warmed up before anything happened. On the upside, that vape has now saved me 3 times in the last week. By saved, I mean it stopped an emotional breakdown caused by having to interact with people. It's for that, and I'm really hopeful it'll enable more natural activity in my life. Let me go interact with humans a little more, and certainly when I have, allow me to return to a normal state right away instead of hours or days later. It can be pretty disabling if you can't quit crying and the vape really fixed that for me 3x last week! Once was in Optika and I did break down, but it passed really fast after some furious vape sucking and I was able to return to the situation and continue. The next time, I was having trouble composing myself before going inside to approach someone (who wasn't in anyway) and vaping first calmed me back down. Last time was on leaving Early's yesterday. Without it, the way I felt about losing my last-ditch store, the one place I thought I could count on, would have seen me going home crying and unable to interact with anyone else. Instead, I vaped my car blue on the way to Mercedes and went in calm and friendly!
That much nicotine (and thc in that formulation) would normally require the total and complete destruction of my lungs!
Oh I hear you, out there, Mr. Normal, who never has to deal with this kind of "crazy people stuff" as you say "don't they have pills for that?" Yeah, they have pills for that. But it's rather like looking at a stuck electronics screw and grabbing the air hammer to take it out. The pills they give you cause more grief than they solve. They turn the patient into a zombie to do their job and the brain gradually dissolves. You can't take them for the moment you need them, but live on them 24/7. That means, since it's not fixing anything, that the problem gets bigger than the pill, because it's a weed that isn't being addressed. I mean, anxiety is partly chemical, but there's a huge part of it that's behaviour and habit. You'll override it eventually and ramp yourself up into a frenzy again and get stronger pills. A life lived like that results in total debility by the senior years and certainly the person rarely triumphs in their life. I don't know if thc and nicotine will enable to me to triumph but they won't dissolve my brain, overtax my kidneys and liver, or need to be at constantly high levels. I can medicate myself within seconds of applying the treatment and guage exactly how much medicine I'm using to match the current need.
I am pretty pleased, except for the part where I'm destroying the heating elements overnight. that makes a harsh burn too.
Today is going to be wasted again. Wasted? well, in terms of "did you take on the world yet" but not from my own POV. I'll be working on knitting, watching TV, feeling guilty about not taking on the world, and not much else. I've started my 2nd pair of socks and it's going like I know what I'm doing! The first ankle is done and it's tidy and compact and regular and I've started on the heel bit without once needing to look at instructions. This will also fit better now I know how big is too big! I may not have to carefully shape it round my foot like a slipper either! So I'm stupidly eager to get back at it. Not so eager to continue painting boxes. I've got some ideas for boxes and I'd like to get some more done before I take them out again, but I just can't feel the same drive now I know there's not going to be a shelf full of them somewhere in town. I get so full of daydreams, it's that much more disappointing when it fails. I should know better but I live in a world full of people who think pretending success is inevitable and failure is forgettable, so I get infected with "try again until you succeed" attitude. I think it's not good, though, it's how people get even deeper into failure! For someone as disabled as me, trying so hard only gets me level with the normals who aren't winning!
I see these news stories where the disabled person gets celebrated for overcoming so much of their disability. Wooo, he can feed himself without aid! Or similar declarations. The guy who can finally open his own door, etc. But me? I'm not disabled, look at her, she's got a fully functioning body and a keen intellect. All that's wrong with her is she thinks she can get away with something.
Yeah, you have NO idea how far I've come. Nobody ever will except me and I'll never credit for my accomplishments. At best, I'll get "encouraged" aka pushed and criticized to reach that one more inch further.
If a blind man says "I cannot see that" you can be sure someone will describe it. If I say "I cannot do that" you can be sure they'll push me harder and absolutely refuse to help me to ensure they don't ennable my weakness. Because blindness makes sense, it's a mechanical problem. Autism that isn't the form of screaming and flapping vegetable person is just not fathomed. They can't understand and won't and it makes social interaction that much harder for me. I spend so much of each conversation fending off "you shoulds" from people that I often lose my composure not from fear or sorrow or shame, but pure fury! Not that I can tell them.
Feedback becomes insult the moment you volunteer it. Only when asked is it feedback. Telling someone "you should" is just not cool. If you wouldn't why should they? If you would, why not offer to help them with it? Oh, you're too busy and they're not that important? Then it's not your place to help them AT ALL because you don't know them well enough to have usefull suggestions. Tell a joke instead.
Okey dokey, I've done my blogging duty, time for pirated movies and knitting and mocha coffee!