grumpy thursday
I woke up in a mostly neutral state. The sky was looking super pretty so I grabbed my ipad to film it. I didn't go straight out of the vine app because I would have to stand there holding it and tapping the screen for a half hour. I should have gone that route and tomorrow perhaps I'll finally do a timelapse sunrise if the sky is pretty enough. It's just so cold in the morning! I grabbed a few seconds at a time of video meaning to import a second from each, but the Vine app refused to let me. I was okay the first few seconds, annoyed but able to get in and shorten the clips, but if i put in one that was more than six seconds, it would refuse to allow me to resize the clip. I kept trying, and trying, and getting angrier and angrier till I wanted to drive some portion of my body, head or fist, into the screen and through the titanium shell. I put it away in fury, managing to keep quiet at least and haven't used it since. I'm just too angry! All those grainy pink sunrise pics and I can't splice them together anyway shape or form. For nearly ten years I've been trying to simply splice video clips together into longer cuts and never yet found a software that will do it on any device I own. The closest I've come is software that waits till you've got lots of work to do then crashes and destroys any saved files open at the time. I have no idea why I can't get a m$ app that doesn't crash while chewing on video. I don't expect video splicing much on the ipad but it would be nice. I might even pay for one if I already know it will work for me. That's one of the values of a social life, other people to ask for information like that. If I knew other people maybe one of them would have the answer. Because they all dislike me (can't say hate because they are satisfied merely to not deal with me, no desire to wipe me out) I haven't anyone to ask "hey, do you know an app for that?"
Now I've gone and upset myself again. It doesn't take much.
So I am glossing the new box today, it's got gold tone marbling on dark ground and a red ribbon. It's not unlike one of the ones I sold but it isn't important because they won't ever be sitting on a store shelf together.
I'm feeling so blasted negative today I can't begin to tackle it! I don't believe it's environmental in terms of stuff happening around me. It's got to be biochemical, but for three hours now I've been feeling monumentally angry about anything that triggers me in the least and a whole lot of things that I shouldn't even notice!
Trying to suck back some thc this morning to bring me back to a state that is presentable in public and around my little pets.
I sure hate having to be presentable, it's a handicap. I mean, I might be emoting and stuff and if I'm expressing an emotion I'm not allowed in public. Everyone gives me these frightened looks and tries to address me like I'm a problem to be headed off. Emoting often involves my tear ducts flowing which gets my nose going and my whole face turns blotchy, or at best my face fails to make an expression acceptable to others. Apparently my "slack face" that I have when not deliberately focusing on making facial expressions, or else emotionally moved to automatic expression, is rather forbidding.
I live in a world of such cowards. I am only four inches over five feet tall, my voice is high, my bone structure delicate, and my physique not especially remarkable in any direction. I used to be pretty slim and I'm not so slim, but not built like a brick house either. So why is the world so terrified of me? Am I going to move in like a sitcom co-star? Are you worried I'll prey on your kids? Do I look like a thief? Do I look like I"m carrying a deadly weapon?
I'm just a little autistic woman, tons of character, toggle switch emotions, and very self involved due to a combination of autism and loneliness. I mean, why wouldn't one be self involved if one has only oneself in which to involve?
I tried charity volunteer. They couldn't use me. I was inappropriate in some manner nobody could define and I wasn't getting along with people because of it. Well, that was the time anyone bothered to explain. I've been ostracized in a huge variety of ways.
Hey, let me show you the ways people do it. You already understand the basic "we don't like you, get lost" method, but did you know there's dozens of nice ways to do it?
You can say "you don't seem happy here and we think it's best for you to set you free to find a better placement."--my fault, I'm fired for not being happy enough
You can say 'You talk too much and others can't get their work done." --wasn't my fault because I couldn't go five minutes at that job without someone starting a pointless chit-chat at or around me. What, I'm supposed to snob at them like their chat isn't worth my attention?
You can say "We think your talents would be better suited somewhere else but we just don't have anything ourselves, sorry." -- they feel bad about how much they hate me.
Or just "you don't fit in around here and we like to keep the team tight."-- this one was after the new guy started bullying me and got the rest of the group on his side.
You see, people in general don't have personal feelings about things. You can see it, they look around the room to find out the appropriate reaction, and copy the group. If you interview them, they won't claim they were faking it to get along, but that it was their own personal genuine reaction. If a strong member of the group corrects their reaction, they'll change to the correct reaction and, again, insist it was always so from the first moment of the trigger event.
So people who find positive attributes in me will surrender those points and focus instead on the negative attributes given to them from the strong charismatic bully who is working to remove me, and I'll be removed. Even if I am paying to be there, the group emotion to me is so clearly communicated and translated into so many tiny insults, clumsy accidents in my vicinity, and misplaced personal items that I have to leave just to preserve my own sanity!
My unemployability does not stem from laziness "we have to let you go because your focus on work is ruining the atmosphere and making people look bad." My unemployability doesn't stem from skill, first because I learn a new trick almost instantly, and second because I never get to stick around long enough to get practiced at the new trick. It's one thing to be able to duplicate, another to duplicate perfectly and make the action efficient. I mean this whether it's a phone skill, computer skill, or physical skill. No, it keeps coming down to me being so unsufferable that nobody will suffer me. Dan does, yes. He's unsufferable too and if he hadn't had his family to train him till he could be impressively skilled he'd be dead of alcoholism by now. Having been raised in a violent home, he has very low expectations for courtesy.
So I don't know what's wrong with me today. Could be hormones, perimenopause makes the calendar tracking of female cycles impossible. I have skipped a month, then had three every two weeks! I wasn't good at keeping track when it was regular.
Or it could be that I ate some of that fudge Shirley sent Dan. I don't think it should be that bad. It's sugar, marshmallows, chocolate and dairy. Definitely not food, but no grain. So either the condensed milk or the sugar could be fucking me up but I've had both in my diet off and on so it seems unlikely. I'll leave the fudge alone for a few days and try it again. If I wake up next day like this, I'll blame the fudge.
Now I've gone and upset myself again. It doesn't take much.
So I am glossing the new box today, it's got gold tone marbling on dark ground and a red ribbon. It's not unlike one of the ones I sold but it isn't important because they won't ever be sitting on a store shelf together.
I'm feeling so blasted negative today I can't begin to tackle it! I don't believe it's environmental in terms of stuff happening around me. It's got to be biochemical, but for three hours now I've been feeling monumentally angry about anything that triggers me in the least and a whole lot of things that I shouldn't even notice!
Trying to suck back some thc this morning to bring me back to a state that is presentable in public and around my little pets.
I sure hate having to be presentable, it's a handicap. I mean, I might be emoting and stuff and if I'm expressing an emotion I'm not allowed in public. Everyone gives me these frightened looks and tries to address me like I'm a problem to be headed off. Emoting often involves my tear ducts flowing which gets my nose going and my whole face turns blotchy, or at best my face fails to make an expression acceptable to others. Apparently my "slack face" that I have when not deliberately focusing on making facial expressions, or else emotionally moved to automatic expression, is rather forbidding.
I live in a world of such cowards. I am only four inches over five feet tall, my voice is high, my bone structure delicate, and my physique not especially remarkable in any direction. I used to be pretty slim and I'm not so slim, but not built like a brick house either. So why is the world so terrified of me? Am I going to move in like a sitcom co-star? Are you worried I'll prey on your kids? Do I look like a thief? Do I look like I"m carrying a deadly weapon?
I'm just a little autistic woman, tons of character, toggle switch emotions, and very self involved due to a combination of autism and loneliness. I mean, why wouldn't one be self involved if one has only oneself in which to involve?
I tried charity volunteer. They couldn't use me. I was inappropriate in some manner nobody could define and I wasn't getting along with people because of it. Well, that was the time anyone bothered to explain. I've been ostracized in a huge variety of ways.
Hey, let me show you the ways people do it. You already understand the basic "we don't like you, get lost" method, but did you know there's dozens of nice ways to do it?
You can say "you don't seem happy here and we think it's best for you to set you free to find a better placement."--my fault, I'm fired for not being happy enough
You can say 'You talk too much and others can't get their work done." --wasn't my fault because I couldn't go five minutes at that job without someone starting a pointless chit-chat at or around me. What, I'm supposed to snob at them like their chat isn't worth my attention?
You can say "We think your talents would be better suited somewhere else but we just don't have anything ourselves, sorry." -- they feel bad about how much they hate me.
Or just "you don't fit in around here and we like to keep the team tight."-- this one was after the new guy started bullying me and got the rest of the group on his side.
You see, people in general don't have personal feelings about things. You can see it, they look around the room to find out the appropriate reaction, and copy the group. If you interview them, they won't claim they were faking it to get along, but that it was their own personal genuine reaction. If a strong member of the group corrects their reaction, they'll change to the correct reaction and, again, insist it was always so from the first moment of the trigger event.
So people who find positive attributes in me will surrender those points and focus instead on the negative attributes given to them from the strong charismatic bully who is working to remove me, and I'll be removed. Even if I am paying to be there, the group emotion to me is so clearly communicated and translated into so many tiny insults, clumsy accidents in my vicinity, and misplaced personal items that I have to leave just to preserve my own sanity!
My unemployability does not stem from laziness "we have to let you go because your focus on work is ruining the atmosphere and making people look bad." My unemployability doesn't stem from skill, first because I learn a new trick almost instantly, and second because I never get to stick around long enough to get practiced at the new trick. It's one thing to be able to duplicate, another to duplicate perfectly and make the action efficient. I mean this whether it's a phone skill, computer skill, or physical skill. No, it keeps coming down to me being so unsufferable that nobody will suffer me. Dan does, yes. He's unsufferable too and if he hadn't had his family to train him till he could be impressively skilled he'd be dead of alcoholism by now. Having been raised in a violent home, he has very low expectations for courtesy.
So I don't know what's wrong with me today. Could be hormones, perimenopause makes the calendar tracking of female cycles impossible. I have skipped a month, then had three every two weeks! I wasn't good at keeping track when it was regular.
Or it could be that I ate some of that fudge Shirley sent Dan. I don't think it should be that bad. It's sugar, marshmallows, chocolate and dairy. Definitely not food, but no grain. So either the condensed milk or the sugar could be fucking me up but I've had both in my diet off and on so it seems unlikely. I'll leave the fudge alone for a few days and try it again. If I wake up next day like this, I'll blame the fudge.