The stress, doubt, and anxiety is really chewing my ass. Can't sleep at night, can't go out by day for being too crazy eyed. I'm working on it with healthy food, stress relieving activity, keeping the house clean, and just had a good relaxing bath. Now there's a back massager doing things to my back that beat anything any man ever did for me, LOL. What a fine machine.
So I've come round today to believing, without knowing if I'm right but feeling more sure that I am, that all that friday night was two nice people being nice to someone they care about, not some indication that I'm suddenly enjoyable company, for all they behaved so. I mean, these two are a well oiled improv machine, professional improv comedy actors (clowns) and what they do is make people feel good. It's what they're here for. So they did it for me. Perhaps they saw I needed it that badly. it doesn't follow, however, that there should be any encore performances so Ihave to just quit wishing it was so and crying about how it probably isnt, or scared that I'll in some way be the only obstacle to actually having enjoyable people regularily around. Well. I've always been the only obstacle, LOL
But to willfully reject what one most wants out of sheer distrust is the stuff of tragedy. To believe something is far more than it is, that is the stuff of comedy, but the fool is rarely happy in those scenes. So I get anxious because I can't figure out how to navigate these murky waters. My only course is to hide and just wait to see if anything happens. I was doing that when Maureen phoned and invited me to come over. So ok, I dunno, it'll be enough weeks to let this go before anything should transpire and I kind of hope it doesn't so I can have the certainty of my sorrow. Perverse, yes, but uncertainty is worse than certain doom.
Isn't that the reason for most of the self destruction going? Isn't that why we need courage? Ok, dan's home today and much too distracting for blogging so. At least I posted today. Keeping it up.
So I've come round today to believing, without knowing if I'm right but feeling more sure that I am, that all that friday night was two nice people being nice to someone they care about, not some indication that I'm suddenly enjoyable company, for all they behaved so. I mean, these two are a well oiled improv machine, professional improv comedy actors (clowns) and what they do is make people feel good. It's what they're here for. So they did it for me. Perhaps they saw I needed it that badly. it doesn't follow, however, that there should be any encore performances so Ihave to just quit wishing it was so and crying about how it probably isnt, or scared that I'll in some way be the only obstacle to actually having enjoyable people regularily around. Well. I've always been the only obstacle, LOL
But to willfully reject what one most wants out of sheer distrust is the stuff of tragedy. To believe something is far more than it is, that is the stuff of comedy, but the fool is rarely happy in those scenes. So I get anxious because I can't figure out how to navigate these murky waters. My only course is to hide and just wait to see if anything happens. I was doing that when Maureen phoned and invited me to come over. So ok, I dunno, it'll be enough weeks to let this go before anything should transpire and I kind of hope it doesn't so I can have the certainty of my sorrow. Perverse, yes, but uncertainty is worse than certain doom.
Isn't that the reason for most of the self destruction going? Isn't that why we need courage? Ok, dan's home today and much too distracting for blogging so. At least I posted today. Keeping it up.