still crying
I mean, really, when I get this bent out of shape, it's a good indication that something didn't do me good. Oh I know, I've gone over the whole 'doing it to yourself" argument in my head. It's the whole reason I went. But I have come to the point now where I'm dead certain that's incorrect. Yes it's going on in my head. Yes the problem is in me. But no, I'm not mistaken that it's not friendship being offered.
Maureen and Mark are genuinely nice people. They wanted to do something nice for me and make me feel all warm inside. I get that, I've felt that way towards people enough myself. They're too innocent to know how cruel it really was. They don't know how it is to actually be alone. Maybe that's why JM wouldn't participate at any point in the farce. Maybe he's been alone enough at some point to know it would only be like inviting a solo person to witness your family joy at christmas, but just this once.
I've done that too. Still makes me shudder in memory. I'm so vulnerable because I am so alone and lonely. I'm working to eliminate loneliness, as I always have, but not in the usual way. I've tried for fifty years to eliminate it by getting people in my life. Now I must eliminate the idea of company from my head. The expectations. The ideas of sitting quietly with groups on a frequent basis. I wonder how many people spend hours at a time being the only human in hearing, day in and day out. I think it's rare, but maybe it's not. I don't know. I have a wealth of alone time. I need a lot, don't get me wrong. Dan can really annoy me after being home for two or three days. When I've been involved in things that require human interaction frequently the decompression can take a couple of days!
So I need to teach myself how to let go. How to let go of the dairy commercial images in my head. There's this commercial where they use soft focus and warm lighting and casual camera angles on relaxed people assembled in cheese eating groups. They giggle and laugh and lounge carefree about their respective fancy homes in their clean undamaged clothes. They have salon hair and perfectly painted faces and just the right choice of taste in everything. Meanwhile a reassuringly deep male voice reads poetry that almost rhymes about the scenery, making it more schmaltzy by the moment. Then he finishes to assure us that eating cheese creates this feeling among people.
Uh huh. Cheese eh? Well it certainly was cheesy.
But you see, it sets up the hypothalamus and undercuts the reason. It sets up ideas of how things should be instead of how they are. Because those scenes can happen a time or two in many folks' lives, and I've witnessed moments like that personally, it is especially powerful. But then who knows how often such moments actually happen in a given life? Do we invest our joy and time and resources over it?
So if I can sweep that crap out of my head then I can be alone peacefully. I was almost there before JM came ringing his bike bell outside my gate. I shouldn't have answered.
I'm torn about that. What if one of them does it again? I told them to. I told them I'm always home. I don't know if I can reject it. I want so badly to show off my boxes, my pets, etc., and it's such a dumb reason to say yes. I waste a ton of brain energy imagining how much fun it would be to show this, or that, or the other thing. But that's what I must release. The urge to share. "Well," she said, "I guess she'll just have to learn to keep it to herself." That was 2 years ago and I never returned to the place where it was said. It was ostensibly about a sister with a problem just like mine. Huh, yeah, it got through. I've been working since to stop needing or wanting people. I believe I need to return to that effort for all the reasons I have chewed on. it's where my peacefulness will lie, I'm sure. People will never be there for me. They don't like my company that much ans I'm so damn anxious anymore I can't be my best self. If I'm not anxious, I can't remember to mind my tongue. So then I'm not being well mannered enough. If I'm anxious, I'm chattering nervously and my brain is less effective.
Bottom line? People aren't for me. Nice ones or not. Now I can cry over that, but it won't last as long as crying over wishing they really meant it friday night, or that they'll come around wanting to be buds. The other conflict there is rather convoluted too. Lets see if I can lay it out.
So, if a person started visiting me in friendship. Firstly, I'd be annoyed because they interrupted something. Secondly, I'd be anxious trying to play a good host. Then I'd be annoyed at not getting anything done to sit doing nothing. I don't like sitting politely not doing anything together. So already it's not positive. I chatter gaily enough but later when my brain comes back on line and memory recalls the conversation, I cry over it. I suffer jolts of terror one phrase after another as I realize how many social mistakes I made, again, in spite of all my studying and solo practice. I just can't bring all that hard work into the actual event. Sure I've learned what they don't like about me. It's great for feeling like crap after the fact but still doesn't fix a thing.
So if they came over often, I'd get annoyed at the constant interruption. Yes, it would help if they brought a token and left without being asked. Yes it would help if they came by and talked me into activity instead of sitting in the kitchen. But my visitors never do. It might be something I'm doing but see the last paragraph about fixing my social skills. Okay, so the big one, unless they were around enough to get on my nerves I wouldn't believe it was anything but charity from someone with some time to spare and a desire to be nice to the lonely freak. I can't trust anymore. I can't believe anyone would like me for me. Not anymore. They'd be there to take from me, or to be charitable. I don't know what a person would have to do to earn my trust or express actually wanting to know me and hang with me. Especially as busy adults who don't even have that much time to pet others' egos.
so I really can't have these relationships anymore. I don't know how. I am so damaged I can't do it without days and days of anxiety and self doubt. It isn't even relevant what "truth" is.
But to be fair, Maureen has broken my heart with her casual ways more than once in the past. She has a way of being super warm while still being super neglectful towards people. On the one hand she's all smiles love and hugs, while at the same time can't even take five to come up to see me as she walks past on her way to do something else other than come by like she'd promised not ten minutes earlier.
Too nice to trust. She never should have said she'd come by because she had no interest, but too nice to say so. She commented regarding the painting I have that I was forceful and said "I'm taking this." I remember it as "Please, can I have one, they're so lovely, I really would cherish it." I remember she was hesitant to give me one but picked it out for me. So she remembers me taking. I remember her being reluctant to share from a collection of stuff.
Not a friendship.
Last time I was in this headspace I decided that I enjoyed her company enough to put up with it. I can't make that decision this time because the last weekend of crying and the crying leading up to the party all show me I can't afford to play beach volleyball with my emotions. They're not made of rubber, they're made of glass and I'm tired of putting them back in the furnace to be remade again and again.
I'll say to myself, for the next while, over and over again "if they come over, play dead." Then at the point I start to relax, thinking "there, you see, they won't do that, they never actually meant it" someone will come by. There's some shit they need volunteers for (I was orginally contacted by maureen to do facepainting actually) and here they are being all sweet. Oh, you booked a whole twenty minutes to blow on being nice to me, thanks! I used to want that but I think I don't. I think i'd rather just be left alone because it won't do me any good to get some scraps of donated time.
I dunno. do I want a friend? What is that anyway? I don't really remember anymore. I'm just too fucked up emotionally or socially anymore. Been too long. Can't do it anymore. Got nothing ot offer you anymore. you want to visit, it's MY time you're using and I don't need to spend it hosting you for my own satisfaction. In fact, it makes me ill. So no. I get too sick. People are pizza. Seems really good, leaves you ill for days on a level you can't take to the doctor.
Maureen and Mark are genuinely nice people. They wanted to do something nice for me and make me feel all warm inside. I get that, I've felt that way towards people enough myself. They're too innocent to know how cruel it really was. They don't know how it is to actually be alone. Maybe that's why JM wouldn't participate at any point in the farce. Maybe he's been alone enough at some point to know it would only be like inviting a solo person to witness your family joy at christmas, but just this once.
I've done that too. Still makes me shudder in memory. I'm so vulnerable because I am so alone and lonely. I'm working to eliminate loneliness, as I always have, but not in the usual way. I've tried for fifty years to eliminate it by getting people in my life. Now I must eliminate the idea of company from my head. The expectations. The ideas of sitting quietly with groups on a frequent basis. I wonder how many people spend hours at a time being the only human in hearing, day in and day out. I think it's rare, but maybe it's not. I don't know. I have a wealth of alone time. I need a lot, don't get me wrong. Dan can really annoy me after being home for two or three days. When I've been involved in things that require human interaction frequently the decompression can take a couple of days!
So I need to teach myself how to let go. How to let go of the dairy commercial images in my head. There's this commercial where they use soft focus and warm lighting and casual camera angles on relaxed people assembled in cheese eating groups. They giggle and laugh and lounge carefree about their respective fancy homes in their clean undamaged clothes. They have salon hair and perfectly painted faces and just the right choice of taste in everything. Meanwhile a reassuringly deep male voice reads poetry that almost rhymes about the scenery, making it more schmaltzy by the moment. Then he finishes to assure us that eating cheese creates this feeling among people.
Uh huh. Cheese eh? Well it certainly was cheesy.
But you see, it sets up the hypothalamus and undercuts the reason. It sets up ideas of how things should be instead of how they are. Because those scenes can happen a time or two in many folks' lives, and I've witnessed moments like that personally, it is especially powerful. But then who knows how often such moments actually happen in a given life? Do we invest our joy and time and resources over it?
So if I can sweep that crap out of my head then I can be alone peacefully. I was almost there before JM came ringing his bike bell outside my gate. I shouldn't have answered.
I'm torn about that. What if one of them does it again? I told them to. I told them I'm always home. I don't know if I can reject it. I want so badly to show off my boxes, my pets, etc., and it's such a dumb reason to say yes. I waste a ton of brain energy imagining how much fun it would be to show this, or that, or the other thing. But that's what I must release. The urge to share. "Well," she said, "I guess she'll just have to learn to keep it to herself." That was 2 years ago and I never returned to the place where it was said. It was ostensibly about a sister with a problem just like mine. Huh, yeah, it got through. I've been working since to stop needing or wanting people. I believe I need to return to that effort for all the reasons I have chewed on. it's where my peacefulness will lie, I'm sure. People will never be there for me. They don't like my company that much ans I'm so damn anxious anymore I can't be my best self. If I'm not anxious, I can't remember to mind my tongue. So then I'm not being well mannered enough. If I'm anxious, I'm chattering nervously and my brain is less effective.
Bottom line? People aren't for me. Nice ones or not. Now I can cry over that, but it won't last as long as crying over wishing they really meant it friday night, or that they'll come around wanting to be buds. The other conflict there is rather convoluted too. Lets see if I can lay it out.
So, if a person started visiting me in friendship. Firstly, I'd be annoyed because they interrupted something. Secondly, I'd be anxious trying to play a good host. Then I'd be annoyed at not getting anything done to sit doing nothing. I don't like sitting politely not doing anything together. So already it's not positive. I chatter gaily enough but later when my brain comes back on line and memory recalls the conversation, I cry over it. I suffer jolts of terror one phrase after another as I realize how many social mistakes I made, again, in spite of all my studying and solo practice. I just can't bring all that hard work into the actual event. Sure I've learned what they don't like about me. It's great for feeling like crap after the fact but still doesn't fix a thing.
So if they came over often, I'd get annoyed at the constant interruption. Yes, it would help if they brought a token and left without being asked. Yes it would help if they came by and talked me into activity instead of sitting in the kitchen. But my visitors never do. It might be something I'm doing but see the last paragraph about fixing my social skills. Okay, so the big one, unless they were around enough to get on my nerves I wouldn't believe it was anything but charity from someone with some time to spare and a desire to be nice to the lonely freak. I can't trust anymore. I can't believe anyone would like me for me. Not anymore. They'd be there to take from me, or to be charitable. I don't know what a person would have to do to earn my trust or express actually wanting to know me and hang with me. Especially as busy adults who don't even have that much time to pet others' egos.
so I really can't have these relationships anymore. I don't know how. I am so damaged I can't do it without days and days of anxiety and self doubt. It isn't even relevant what "truth" is.
But to be fair, Maureen has broken my heart with her casual ways more than once in the past. She has a way of being super warm while still being super neglectful towards people. On the one hand she's all smiles love and hugs, while at the same time can't even take five to come up to see me as she walks past on her way to do something else other than come by like she'd promised not ten minutes earlier.
Too nice to trust. She never should have said she'd come by because she had no interest, but too nice to say so. She commented regarding the painting I have that I was forceful and said "I'm taking this." I remember it as "Please, can I have one, they're so lovely, I really would cherish it." I remember she was hesitant to give me one but picked it out for me. So she remembers me taking. I remember her being reluctant to share from a collection of stuff.
Not a friendship.
Last time I was in this headspace I decided that I enjoyed her company enough to put up with it. I can't make that decision this time because the last weekend of crying and the crying leading up to the party all show me I can't afford to play beach volleyball with my emotions. They're not made of rubber, they're made of glass and I'm tired of putting them back in the furnace to be remade again and again.
I'll say to myself, for the next while, over and over again "if they come over, play dead." Then at the point I start to relax, thinking "there, you see, they won't do that, they never actually meant it" someone will come by. There's some shit they need volunteers for (I was orginally contacted by maureen to do facepainting actually) and here they are being all sweet. Oh, you booked a whole twenty minutes to blow on being nice to me, thanks! I used to want that but I think I don't. I think i'd rather just be left alone because it won't do me any good to get some scraps of donated time.
I dunno. do I want a friend? What is that anyway? I don't really remember anymore. I'm just too fucked up emotionally or socially anymore. Been too long. Can't do it anymore. Got nothing ot offer you anymore. you want to visit, it's MY time you're using and I don't need to spend it hosting you for my own satisfaction. In fact, it makes me ill. So no. I get too sick. People are pizza. Seems really good, leaves you ill for days on a level you can't take to the doctor.