Not weeping, not done thinking
Still thinking on all this. I'm much better about upsetting myself. I'm all torn about what "friend" means, what the purpose of other people in my life might be, should be, etc. I don't even know what I want out of it. Seriously, I don't know what to do about if Maureen actually shows up or calls again! the easy human answer is welcome her into my life. That may be too much for me. I get too invested. I feel too pressure. There are too many implications and I can't sweep them away. I've learned too well to be alone and forgotten the point of not being alone. Ok, that will get me crying so I'll stop now. I finally can stop myself.
Dan's mother got an iphone so we showed her facetime. She's going to really love it. I want to call her and visit but I don't know if I should or will be imposing. I wouldn't know because I don't read the signals properly. If I wait a day or two, though, it won't matter because it's okay to phone a family member that often. They won't get scared that you're going to try and get adopted into their family because you already are. Other people get worried if you're too affectionate and open, thinking you're going to move in and impose on them. Should be okay with Dan's mom I hope. Well we'll see. I keep it pretty polite with her so that helps too.
I've started printing a stupid retro tv toy. Yeah, it's pretty much pointless. I just wanted to print something new. I wish I wasn't so messed up and had more emotional stability and ability to interact with people. I could be pretty useful driving someone around during the transit strike, for instance. I feel so selfish so much of the time.
Then I realize, it's only selfish if I pay attention to someone else's opinion. Oh. Another issue around interacting socially. If I keep to myself, I don't have to care about other people. Ooooh, that's seductive, isn't it?
I know, I know, it's probably really bad for me. Maybe. Well that's where I'm hanging, you see. The understood status quo is that we need to be around each other and need to put ourselves out for each other. I get the point of raising humans to help each other. I get the point of being able to get help with things. Oh boy have I wanted a taste of that little perk of human interaction! Many's the time I wished I didn't have to do something alone and if wishes were fishes we'd live in the sea.
Ok, so the primary point is not actually valid in my case since people don't want my help and don't give me theirs.
Well, that was about the only point in favour of putting up with them, actually.
So Maureen is surely going to drift in and out now and then for the next five years but I don't have to invest, don't have to respond if it doesn't appeal, and won't talk myself into it "just in case." I'm on a path of learning to be an island and until I've learned it, there's no point in building bridges. I may not want them.
Only time life looks tough is when I'm stupid enough to look at it.
Dan's mother got an iphone so we showed her facetime. She's going to really love it. I want to call her and visit but I don't know if I should or will be imposing. I wouldn't know because I don't read the signals properly. If I wait a day or two, though, it won't matter because it's okay to phone a family member that often. They won't get scared that you're going to try and get adopted into their family because you already are. Other people get worried if you're too affectionate and open, thinking you're going to move in and impose on them. Should be okay with Dan's mom I hope. Well we'll see. I keep it pretty polite with her so that helps too.
I've started printing a stupid retro tv toy. Yeah, it's pretty much pointless. I just wanted to print something new. I wish I wasn't so messed up and had more emotional stability and ability to interact with people. I could be pretty useful driving someone around during the transit strike, for instance. I feel so selfish so much of the time.
Then I realize, it's only selfish if I pay attention to someone else's opinion. Oh. Another issue around interacting socially. If I keep to myself, I don't have to care about other people. Ooooh, that's seductive, isn't it?
I know, I know, it's probably really bad for me. Maybe. Well that's where I'm hanging, you see. The understood status quo is that we need to be around each other and need to put ourselves out for each other. I get the point of raising humans to help each other. I get the point of being able to get help with things. Oh boy have I wanted a taste of that little perk of human interaction! Many's the time I wished I didn't have to do something alone and if wishes were fishes we'd live in the sea.
Ok, so the primary point is not actually valid in my case since people don't want my help and don't give me theirs.
Well, that was about the only point in favour of putting up with them, actually.
So Maureen is surely going to drift in and out now and then for the next five years but I don't have to invest, don't have to respond if it doesn't appeal, and won't talk myself into it "just in case." I'm on a path of learning to be an island and until I've learned it, there's no point in building bridges. I may not want them.
Only time life looks tough is when I'm stupid enough to look at it.