People don't always suck
it's been so long since I was around sane people I'd completely forgotten how nourishing it is. No wonder I've been lonely. Dan is a "project" in so many ways, he's not emotionally supportive but rather, requires regular infusions of energy. Tom, oh god. I care so much about him, but he's so absorbent it really leaves me facing either building a wall or getting drained again and again. He's like an emotional dessicant. All the joy and laughter gets pulled into a black hole of stubborn dissatisfaction. Everyone else has it better and it's so not fair, etc.
Last night though, I hung with people who have never had more than it takes to stay hopeful and yet never waited for good times to grace them. They go out and force joy to pay attention. They stand at the abyss and laugh until it builds a bridge. They are clowns. They are intelligent, wise, joyful, and defiant towards sorrow and despair. I learned all my good things from these fine two folks, Mark and Maureen, mostly the latter, and they were in fine form last night. I got to where I started to get scared, I was being ego-stroked so much it was like calling for disaster. Mort was there too, and I felt so crappy that he may as well have been sitting alone for all the value our unheard voices brought him. I wonder why he can't get a gadget that works? or can we learn some other way to include him if this is going to happen again? I love Mort, he's so amazing. He has ecuadorean indian regalia and wears it for pow wows and special cultureal events. What's most remarkable is he earned it and his place in that tribe, a place of respect, in spite of being a suburban white canadian by birth! that's how loveable this guy is. It's horrible to watch his hearing draw around like a curtain.
Nobody ever called my voice "too soft" and I kept trying to shout like my neighbor Eileen. No trouble hearing that bellow! But it goes against my manners to be so shrill. He finally gave up and sought other amusement while we enjoyed his firepit.
These three men have bought a trio of houses together and combined their yards to create a work of art that leaves one breathless. Mort's garden always was an astonishing work of beauty but Mark and Frank have enhanced it quite nicely. Actually, I suspect they've got Mort in their areas quite often helping out with this and that, LOL. I envy people these relationships with calm people in adjoining yards. Community, it seems so nice.
So I've been working hard to isolate myself, to learn aloneness. I reached a point where I was pretty assured of a very very quiet winter. Tom is unlikely to turn up again before spring now. Just as I'd gotten that working, here turns up these folks. What's more, it's not just a quick "hey" and gone, or maybe it is.
Maureen is setting up a bedroom in Mark's house with plans to hang in the city often. I don't know if she's changing her relationship at home, needs medical attention, or just misses us and feels like she can return now that she isnt' a caregiver to her mother. That was why she left, in order to render care to her aging mother, and she never returned. I'd love enough time with her to learn these things about her, how long did she care, is mom gone now, why didn't she come back, does she miss the city enough to live here, etc. She did say she'd like to get to BC and live when I go, so I guess she's essentially trying to find a happier place to park, but still has insufficient means to make one for herself.
Honestly till I met Dan the only financially stable people I knew well were my own relatives. All my friends here were always running around on the edge of money. Enough to partake of a coffee or pick up some food, but not much more really. I'm the rich one now, which is odd. I want to share my access to resources a bit, but not to act like it makes me anything more than more useful than I used to be. What's more, I can't give away Dan's resources to people he doesn't know, so it's a dance there too. Yes I can make time to drive you somewhere, but no I can't do something else because that's Dan's to say. Etc.
Would it be easier if I leave them out there and don't interact? Well, if they ignore me henceforth because their too busy with their own schtick, that'll be that I guess. I think, though, that having Maureen in my life has potential to give me joy. But then she can be infuriatingly inattentive too. I think she or Mark, who expressed interest at coming over, will need to show up at least once on their own before I trust them or put myself out to go visiting. I don't want to find myself a few months later with no ammo against the nagging voice that calls me a hanger-on clinging to people too nice to tell me to screw off.
You think it's tiresome to read? Try having it go round your head for hours and hours in spite of the distractions you try! TV? Oh, it'll say something that'll trigger a thought and it's off and I can't even hear the tv anymore. Work? Oh yeah, leave my brain completely bored with mundane tasks...
Well, not writing any further in the blog will help. Writing helped in letting my brain dump it all and get a good look at the mess, but now it's time to slap said brain upside the metaphorical head and tell it to get on that courage horse. So, pull on my courage boots and hat, jump on my courage, and ride to my unlikely doom.
Last night though, I hung with people who have never had more than it takes to stay hopeful and yet never waited for good times to grace them. They go out and force joy to pay attention. They stand at the abyss and laugh until it builds a bridge. They are clowns. They are intelligent, wise, joyful, and defiant towards sorrow and despair. I learned all my good things from these fine two folks, Mark and Maureen, mostly the latter, and they were in fine form last night. I got to where I started to get scared, I was being ego-stroked so much it was like calling for disaster. Mort was there too, and I felt so crappy that he may as well have been sitting alone for all the value our unheard voices brought him. I wonder why he can't get a gadget that works? or can we learn some other way to include him if this is going to happen again? I love Mort, he's so amazing. He has ecuadorean indian regalia and wears it for pow wows and special cultureal events. What's most remarkable is he earned it and his place in that tribe, a place of respect, in spite of being a suburban white canadian by birth! that's how loveable this guy is. It's horrible to watch his hearing draw around like a curtain.
Nobody ever called my voice "too soft" and I kept trying to shout like my neighbor Eileen. No trouble hearing that bellow! But it goes against my manners to be so shrill. He finally gave up and sought other amusement while we enjoyed his firepit.
These three men have bought a trio of houses together and combined their yards to create a work of art that leaves one breathless. Mort's garden always was an astonishing work of beauty but Mark and Frank have enhanced it quite nicely. Actually, I suspect they've got Mort in their areas quite often helping out with this and that, LOL. I envy people these relationships with calm people in adjoining yards. Community, it seems so nice.
So I've been working hard to isolate myself, to learn aloneness. I reached a point where I was pretty assured of a very very quiet winter. Tom is unlikely to turn up again before spring now. Just as I'd gotten that working, here turns up these folks. What's more, it's not just a quick "hey" and gone, or maybe it is.
Maureen is setting up a bedroom in Mark's house with plans to hang in the city often. I don't know if she's changing her relationship at home, needs medical attention, or just misses us and feels like she can return now that she isnt' a caregiver to her mother. That was why she left, in order to render care to her aging mother, and she never returned. I'd love enough time with her to learn these things about her, how long did she care, is mom gone now, why didn't she come back, does she miss the city enough to live here, etc. She did say she'd like to get to BC and live when I go, so I guess she's essentially trying to find a happier place to park, but still has insufficient means to make one for herself.
Honestly till I met Dan the only financially stable people I knew well were my own relatives. All my friends here were always running around on the edge of money. Enough to partake of a coffee or pick up some food, but not much more really. I'm the rich one now, which is odd. I want to share my access to resources a bit, but not to act like it makes me anything more than more useful than I used to be. What's more, I can't give away Dan's resources to people he doesn't know, so it's a dance there too. Yes I can make time to drive you somewhere, but no I can't do something else because that's Dan's to say. Etc.
Would it be easier if I leave them out there and don't interact? Well, if they ignore me henceforth because their too busy with their own schtick, that'll be that I guess. I think, though, that having Maureen in my life has potential to give me joy. But then she can be infuriatingly inattentive too. I think she or Mark, who expressed interest at coming over, will need to show up at least once on their own before I trust them or put myself out to go visiting. I don't want to find myself a few months later with no ammo against the nagging voice that calls me a hanger-on clinging to people too nice to tell me to screw off.
You think it's tiresome to read? Try having it go round your head for hours and hours in spite of the distractions you try! TV? Oh, it'll say something that'll trigger a thought and it's off and I can't even hear the tv anymore. Work? Oh yeah, leave my brain completely bored with mundane tasks...
Well, not writing any further in the blog will help. Writing helped in letting my brain dump it all and get a good look at the mess, but now it's time to slap said brain upside the metaphorical head and tell it to get on that courage horse. So, pull on my courage boots and hat, jump on my courage, and ride to my unlikely doom.