Wednesday, feel like "talking."

Dan is definitely going to sabotage my ability to qualify for assistance.  Another $400 mysteriously transfers into my account. I can't prevent it and it implies so much more than I can imagine. It's not good.
It's not like he's going to actually support me, see, but he can make it look like he will.  Then leave me hanging whenever he feels like it.
I was thinking on Barb the other day offering me money.  Like $100 cash. Which was frankly demeaning. And I suggested she give it to a really awesome guy who uses it to help the homeless, gotsnacks306 on instagram.  Well that money dissappeared as she made a little mouie with her mouth and stated she only gives to people she knows.
I didn't say "Yeah, I don't doubt it."  I said "Oh ok."  Because I knew exactly what was going on and it wasn't charity.
Narcissists use money to indebt people in order to make of them puppets. "Dance to my tune and I will let you eat this week."  Which I used to think wasn't such a big deal.  We all dance. One tune is as good as another, right? 
Well no. Some tunes have the power to eat your soul, one tiny bird sized peck at a time. Like death from wasps, or a thousand tiny paper cuts.  A million little hurts you try to shrug off. It's just a small wound, you're strong. And the devil continues to dance.  He drinks from each cup and gets stronger and you, ever so slowly, weaken. but it's so slow, you don't see it happening. It feels like growing old.   Three results, one, you linger miserable, struggling with illnesses, and die eventually or early.  two, you notice it one day and have just enough love for yourself to say no.  And if you aren't terribly unfortunate, you can get free.  Lots can't, remember that. they haven't anywhere to run and the abuser yanks them back by their puppet strings.
three, you wind up mentally deranged in some fashion.  Dementia, or addiction, or some kind of rounds of psychiatry and meds that zombify you.  
What does a narc feel if they get there with their victim, and now have to be caregiver to the person they destroyed? Do they just start get animal about the abuse since their charge can't report the pain?  A lot of them only hold back from physical sadism because the law gets involved at that point. Mine is one, I think, like that.  He knows at what point he's in trouble.  But make no mistake, the war isn't over. He's still angling, and by dropping money in my account randomly he thinks to mess with me..

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