developing aversions

I used to think that exposure equalled inurement. Like if you got enough needles, the pain would stop  mattering.  

But it's not that simple.  When getting chemo and blood tests every day and so on, the effect changes to a greater and greater sense of aversion. Then when the trauma stops, the aversion gets even bigger. The phlebotomists at the clinic taught me this and told me of a salve I could use to numb the area. This helped me bridge over the aversion and get back to tolerating it like normal humans.

I've been bullied my whole life by one person or another, only finding peace in solitude or occassionally one person or a crowd. 

There's always someone, and they move in on me, exploiting my weaknesses. 

And then there's the groups I try to get into. One after another, sometimes it takes months, but they suddenly find a way to disinvite me.  It's usually a lie. One group changed the meeting times but sent a representative volunteer to the old times to screen for newbies so they wouldnt' have to announce and me find out they'd changed dates. Someone eventually told me, because that's fun too. 

Or maybe I hear it circular by someone who doesn't know I'm out of the loop. they're not always gossiping.

Point is, it's happened a few times in a few different places. Where I'm ostracised so politely it's like being slammed with a velvet fist.  The sense of helplessness is usually the worst part.

The gaslighting it causes in my head to wonder what sort of monster I might be, that's hard too. It's probably why I try harder to be generous. Because I feel this mark on myself.  Because I hear the accusations of selfishness and self centered and even being a game player.  So I try harder to show who I am and then that looks fake!

But then at home, I really still do get lonely for company same as anyone.  Except unlike others I question my right to feel lonely! Clifford olsen had company more often than me, I'm just saying.  What'd I do?

Well I have been stringing my loom.  I just found a thread in the middle that didn't get strung.  Either I lose one off the pattern or I restring half the loom and I figured that's a good time to stop for today. Tomorrow can better think about it and I can knit all day instead. Friday is also a frustrating day. Sure, I hoped to be weaving by then but oh well.  See, I do have a lot of patience.  I can choose to be calm and persistent even when I feel angry and frustrated a little.  It's when I'm being tweaked constantly with little disturbances, like from Hasselus Interruptus Hominus, or facing big fears, like right now, that I break down more easily.  oh and additionally, my shoulder is really acting up.  I asked the doctor to refer me to someone for a look.  I know there's nothing they can do, but I am beginning to see the value of a prompt diagnosis of anything disabling.

My kitchen sink.

The drain failed, right?  So I put in a bucket. Three days later the tap wouldn't stop dripping.  So I had to shut it down and brought in the portable filter system and some water jugs.

I think I cried a little, came close at least. Far as I'm concerned, this is "permanent" until an alternative option turns up.  But the fear is that officious people will find out and I will be evicted from the house until I get it repaired.  This is how they take your house and make you homeless if you're not an income earner, you see.  They keep you so poor you can't maintain it, and then condemn your home, wait for homelessness to make you too poor to pay the taxes or mortgage, and bob's your uncle, cheap land for redevelopment.  The homeless person was worthless anyway, eh?

So that kind of existential fear is hitting me for sure.  Ok, feels better to lay it out. For now Iam warm, I am fed, I only hurt normally. I can't dance, and can't sing, but I am playing my flute again.  Music is a balm for me.