freaked out

Well I am officially a nervous wreck.  Shot. Breakdown. Can't function beyond the basics.
Money did not arrive from social services last night, which was the "autodeposit" date. Meaning I am not going to have enough to cover the bank debits in the next two weeks. The fallout is unknown and terrifying. I'm swirling around trying to think of ways to suicide even knowing it will fail as always. i JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
I mean, I have to ride the train wreck all the way down the mountain, don't I?   I can't stop ugly bawling anymore.
Idefinitely can't give myself my shot but then I only have one HRT shot left. But I'll run out of ostomy supplies before then.
I feel so low.  So utterly worthless and pitiable. None of my self esteem is available now and if I thought it would work I'd lay my naked body down in the snow to die. theoretically it sounds possible but then I would have to make arrangements for the care of the dogs and that would mean someone would probably save me after I've lost my fingers and toes and face to frostbite.  But welfare will still need three independant witnesses to prove it happened and I really can't flip burgers at mcdonalds.
I think the intake worker is a sadist.
I go back and forth between despair and fury.  What kind of fucked up scene puts a sadist as intake worker for social services?  the most vulnerable people at their most delicate moments are turning to her for rescue and she's all "well we all have troubles" and "whatever it takes" and "well I'm sure there's probably something you can do."  I'm a disabled person fleeing an abusive relationship and I'm getting THAT. Who wouldn't be tossd into a suicidal depression?  It's been six weeks now and not one red cent have I seen.  
Oh now, Canadian law has welfare enshrined as a basic right.  It's just that the provinces are mysteriously tasked with the job and they like to play psychological games with it.Poor people are held hostage to the whims of wealthy men. Used as pawns and punching bags when the economy is suffering from the predations at the top.  The amount of money spent on "the poor" is a drop in the bucket. The amount spent on the rich to help them stay rich is multiple buckets.
If I thought I could, I'd be dead tonight. I really don't have any reason to live. I'm of no value to anyone but my dogs, including myself. 
People don't want what Ihave to say, write, make or do. They don't want my labour, my mind, my skills, nothing about me.  Why the hell am I here?

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