needing help is vulnerability

What is it that the only people who'll help are those who hope to get me into a toxic relationship?

So I got pretty desperate about my snow tires.  It's snowing again. I'm not any more capable of letting my hands and feet get cold. In fact my feet have that tell tale tingle of nerve damage already.  I don't expect a lot of damage but it's cumulative and can eventually get to where standing is difficult and walking is clumsy and I can't feel things with my fingers.  I was there once. I took magic mushrooms, don't want to have to try that again.

So the only person willing to come over was Barb.  Barb is a difficult person. She's the controller in the relationship dynamic with her brother. Frankly, she's emotionally abusive. Repeats lines like "no problem, no judgement here" while also correcting and interrupting to argue and stop and complain that I'm talking too much. But no, she's fine if I stick around. Or not. 

In the time she was here changing my tires, she also communicated that:

my company is odious and preferred if I didn't need to talk.

I'm too slow, but take your time, but hurry up.

She misgendered me constantly and at one point called me Dan?  Called me an old lady repeatedly.  I tolerate a lot of misgendering on the benefit of the doubt, old folks seem to have trouble and she knew me as an acquaintance way back in our youth. She's about five years older than me.

She also communicated that she thinks I'm probably overdoing it. Tried to tell me how to dress for the cold.

I showed her my hernia, that helped with lifting. But it wasn't until she witnessed a coughing fit that she stopped gently pushing me to try harder. 

She suggested several times that my troubles in life are perception related on my part. Whether this may or may not be true, it's an unkind thing to say. 

My feet are still burning. ~sigh~  I didn't even realize they were that cold. I need to discuss it with my doctor and see about getting something official maybe?

I sent my very important documents off with her, she promised to deliver them. Now Iwait and see if she kept that promise.

I feel like I"m dealing with a snake, but stuck because there isn't anyone else.

But then at a couple points she expressed that she too feels rejected and lonely. Which surprises me not, because she's a snake. She's a narcissist. Like my mother, my sister, and Dan, all of whom do the same thing. Pull out all the stops to be nice until they have you in a situation where you can't fight back because you need them, then abuse that power cutting you down and lording over you.

I wish I felt confident that I could keep her at the right distance to be kind to her but not get sucked in. I wish I had alternatives to reach out to.

She at several points seemed to want to hear an opinion from me. I finally told her how I"m trying to learn not to have an opinion and that giving one on her relationship with her brother would require forming an opinion.

I have had an actual opinion for decades.  She's a bitch to him. He is the scapegoat of a narcissist family dynamic and she's taken the role of bully and become a passive aggressive nicey nice not nice at all bully.  Like all such narcs, she can really stretch herself in service to another to gain access to their confidence and trust. After which she can play with their emotions. 

I see it, I fear it. I feel sorry for poor Ray, so conditioned to being picked on, he can't hear anything else anymore. How does one say that to her? Or him? 

I did send her a link to a very useful informative youtube channel.  It was a channel that taught me much about the problem and helped me see why those two fight and why my family sucks and what the heck was wrong with Dan.  I told her it was a very informative channel and maybe would give her some answers about her and her brother. Because it could. and it's better when you snap to the realization by yourself with no witness.  You can process it better. I don't think Barb lacks conscience. I think she's still seeking that healing of the soul. She could snap into reality still. But I really don't know. I don't know the human condition well enough to know how plastic the personality is, especially late in life.  I don't know her state of mind enough to know if, like my sister, mother, and Dan, she's utterly unwilling to face any sign of flaw in herself.

I think I face flaws in myself. A little too much too. But I name them to myself. I put them on a list of targets. I execute plans to try and remedy those flaws. Like trying to stop having an opinion. This will make me less obnoxious. It saved my ass in the clinch today. Without that, I probably would have offered my opinion thinking it would be useful or helpful, and utterly screwed myself for getting help from that direction ever again. and believe me, that wouldn't be wise either right now. She tried to give me money too but I flat out refused, saying that I had learned not to muddy a friendship with money like that.  Like, honey, you are not buying yourself into my head like that. Idon't owe you squat more than any other good human in my world. Kindness and generosity and respect.  NOTHING more.  I gave a gift of craft and a gift of need while you were here too, and so gift to gift, I am not beholden beyond any holding of community and ability that has ever stood.

People may not recognize that they owe a duty of care to the humans around them but we all do. We owe a duty of care to the human next door, on the bus, walking down the street, living in the gutter.  We really do. Life understands that we all have our limits but when their needs are within our abilities, we owe it to them. That's what's broken, you see, the Pay Me world has broken that responsibility in our minds.

Well ok. Now Ifeel better. I just needed to say it out loud, that I was snake dancing to get my tires changed. That Icouldn't have done it alone and even so still did some damage to myself.  And that I am worried she may not have delivered the envelopes in order to create more hardship for me.  if she's doing that.  I really never know.  I mean, hell, she might call the health department and tell them my drain doesn't work and I should be taken out of my house "for my own good." I know her that poorly. I worry that hard. Ok, time to turn off the phone and lock the door and learn to put those worries away for the evening. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't *have* to worry like that all the time, it actually helps.