anxiety

I don't want to sit with it twirling in my head. Maybe if I list it, my anxieties will take a time out. There's nothing I can do about it. 
So tomorrow is payout day for social assistance for the next month.  I didn't expect to have to go this long with nothing and I'm running out of options. I'm running out of ostomy supplies and the cold is grinding back in and my credit card is nigh filled up. 
I don't even have enough in the bank for the automatic withdrawals at this point. Which all happen in the next ten days. And no word yet.
I feel like the intake worker has animosity towards me. When I was telling her my tale she kept interrupting me to minimize my problems.  Like how she went twice as long in her marriage, or how she was responding to my assertions of cold intolerance and inability to just go downtown. 
I understood her clearly when she said, "well, whatever you have to do."  Probably the most ableist statement in the language, really.
And I think now she's enjoying a sadistic pleasure dragging my application out and making it hard on me.  Taking a long time to get back to me and telling me nothing.
I feel so fucking alone
Now the snow is back followed by another cold spell.  
I'm not alone. The abusive people in my life who want to get back in control are being nice again. So dan shows up with extra food and Barb drops off homegrown weed.
But damn, that's not comforting. Even though it's truly keeping me going. It's not helping the anxiety.
Well I'm doing various things around the house that I can complete off the "to do" list so it will help relieve stress from that direction. The loom isn't finished stringing yet, it hurts my shoulder a lot so it goes slowly and with reticence.
I hate that my reality is called a fraud by others. Society told me it is nicer to people with an unusually hard time in life, but keeps insisting I don't count.  How do I not take it personally?  It's left me struggling between abuse and poverty my entire life!

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