still over wrought

Timmy wouldn't eat and he's been extra whiney lately so that started my day sideways. I spent the day working on forms. The printer had to be reinstalled as a usb printer because it won't take the WPS signal and I don't know how to put in the right characters or backspace the mistakes on it's goofy little panel. I've been going from one panic attack to another. I am trying hard to stay quiet for the dogs but when I reaized how ill Timmy is, I really went full hysterical weeping. Eventually I remembered his constipation problem and started treating him accordingly.  He hasn't pooped but he has taken nutrition and laxative and brightened up.  I'm keeping him on liquids, broth, thickened with flour, coconut milk, milk, that sort of thing, and lactulose dosed from the internet.

My car bumper is done but not installed, because it's been too cold.  On the weekend it iis supposed to warm up so I will install it then.  I will have to change my own winter tires. I can't afford mobile service.

Dan dropped the mortgage payment in my account by account transfer that he still has set up. That may screw up my support application. Plus which the divorce failed. So he's still married to me. And showing support. That won't help.  So I'm going to write emails to my oncologist and surgeon asking them to delineate the restrictions carried by my conditions as they know it. The cold thing with the FolFox, the bowel and hernia stuff.  They want a close associate of mine to attest to what I say is true.

I often wander around in a daze right now wondering why the world seems to be trying to force me back to how it was. 

I need to make a document detailing how I lived in my marriage. I just don't have the emotional strength for it.  It's going to be a PTSD party for me.

I will share a copy with anyone and everyone, and maybe submit it to the court along with a notice stating that I am unable to proceed due to lack of access to my spouse for process serving and lack of funds to act on any of it. Maybe I can mail it in. i don't want to face the security guys I flipped off last time.  

See, when people are rude to me, I respond in kind,  then they act like I had no right. Like I should take rudeness and just kill their boots in thanks? 

Until someone sets an executioner on me to enforce these damn rules I won't comply. Then I won't either because I hate this world as it is. People are either fake as hell or overstressed to breaking. Bullies are running around being rewarded and lauded. Media is teaching that bad manners mark a good man and good manners mark a bad man. bad is good and good is bad.  

I put some things on marketplace. I almost sold the table, but I guess I just handed my email over to a spammer. But that got me thinking that I should be selling. I looked around and most of the 2nd hand crap is worth too little to bother, but I had 3 finished hand works I could let go, two ties and a hat. So I posted them, and I also have to make a day to post up the lovely stash boxes again and try to sell them now that weed is legal.  If I can sell stuff like that, maybe I can keep going awhile.

I read a diary entry from early 1999 where I went several months making my own money. I forgot about that. I don't know what happened next, but it was a year before Dan started sending me money to help out. I remember having 2 newspaper "motor routes" that I had to do with a bike, two and a half miles away, then nearby, the theatre I was cleaning. I remember it didn't quite meet my needs and I was trying to find painting jobs.  I was working with walter a lot and he was being abusive with me. Overstepping boundaries, ridiculing me, and sometimes out right shouting at me.  I never actually merited it either.  Wayne, same thing. Contractor with a bunch of business accounts for painting, using me for my skills, paying me a pittance, and treating me like a mental punching bag.  Then came the mugging attempts. I didn't turn out my pockets or get injured but by #2 I was truly spooked and switched to day mode and quit the paper routes.  I didn't know it, but I was already growing cancer by then. I can look back and see the symptoms now. I was absolutely convinced that I couldn't get cancer with my lifestyle and was chasing all kinds of other things instead. Doctors just wanted to drug me quiet so I didn't try very hard there.

I was pretty weak when Dan came along, he started sending money, and that's still what he's doing. I don't know how to handle it. It's going to screw with my applications, I guarantee that. 

Hence why the last 22 years needs to be told.