gaslighting is nasty stuff

 I came here to puzzle through why he did it. Why'd he take my very useful and expensive HD LED worklight off the table when I wasn't watching him like a hawk?

Then I saw the last entry title.  Duh.  I've been happy and relaxed. He wants to put me off my pins and succeeded with this. But not long term. He's not allowed in the yard without an appt and supervision and not in the house at all. I've had it. Dumb fool, I have his passport, birth certificate, everything. Well, maybe not so stupid, I either sink to his level and use the leverage, or I do nothing. What's he to lose? He'll get his stuff back or succeed in dragging me down. But he sacrificed everything on the flip of at out thei coin there. that's dumb. Or it shows he has no other feelings outside of that smirking joy when he hurts someone else. Which is so alien to me I can't understand it. It's not new to me. I have run into this far too often.  I'm vulnerable, so I attach abusers.  I've got a new one starting in on me and I"m letting her just because I'm so damn lonely.  and I need her to do the sidewalks for me and she owes me for the parrot. And I might be wrong. there's always that last. 

See, that's what gaslighting works on. Find a reasonable person with an open mind and start crowbaring it open until they crack. If they heal, start all over.  Hide and misplace things, rearrange things, bring up faults they don't have with the word "always attached. "  The only reason I can stand up for myself at all is I know myself well.  I really am strongly principled. I really do have a solid memory. I know that. I have a strong core character.   I've had a life that either builds character or kills one early.  I am proud of my ethics, my fairness, my compassion, my thoughtfulness.  My ability to remember things about people I care for, like their colors or icons of choice, for example.  If they show me, that is.  Nobody trusts these days, not like they used to. There's too many anecdotes available and all inflammatory behaviour. After all, that's what sells, right?

Well it is a tense night and I think I want to list what's on my mind.

It's gotten cold and I don't have the snow tires on and can't do it myself. So I have to get the car to the tire shop. Can't do that on icey streets, but also won't try until there's a brief warmup if there is one? I don't know. Stress.  Ok, must do tomorrow, or saturday.  Ideal opportunties, and I'll just pay credit card, they don't charge a lot to swap tires. I need it done, definitely. I have done this work before and can figure it out again, but right now, there's too much on my plate already and this latest tension with Dan has just tipped my scale again. as it was intended to do. I wonder if he planned to sneak it into the garage and say I left it there?  I suppose it might be in there. I'll check the outbuildings tomorrow. I know damn well I didn't take it out there. It's hard to say, did he take it as a nasty hurtful thing plus gaslighting, did he hide it to gaslight, or did he do it to bring about a proper severance so he could quit visiting the dogs and blame it on me? Because he would do that too.  Dude never visited his daughter. I told him in text that all I really know about him is what he tells me, and what I observe. And what I observe is a whole lot of gaslighting and lying.  

I feel like I"m in shock again.  Plus every time the dogs think they hear him, I'm going into extreme stress mode. Wondering, is he going to make some kind of extra action? Now how do I deal with all his crap left behind? Will he pick it up or burden me with it till spring when I have to make a decision what to do? Out on the lawn with a "free yard sale."  the truck I think I can only send to a scrapper, anything else is tricky because it's in his name. I suppose driving it onto the street is fine, so yeah, that's easy. Send him a text letting him know it's on the street and where, and let it be.

But I will keep my word, as that asshole knows, and he's got until april 30th to figure out what he is doing. I have so much more sympathy for his aunt linda who finally had his junk towed off the land he abandoned and reclaimed it for the taxes she had to pay for him. I'm not the first person he's disrespected, let's agree on that.  

I'm applying for welfare and I can't go to the appt.  They've agreed to do it remote with email and phone. So that is cleared up but still lingers in my chemistry. see, emotions are two fold. There's the thinking part, but there's the body chemistry too. they affect each other back and forth. So the more I stress, the more I feel stressed, the more I worry, it's a cycle I have to break, over and over, with time spent and effort exerted.

Now I have to move all my automatic payments over to a different bank account. I did just finally access the mortgage account, but not the funds therein. Which isn't bad, I shouldn't use the last three grand, it's needed for interest build up! Man.  I really would like to shunt more at that, but I don't know how I"m to do that. I can't keep up with my credit card. Plus which I havent' a clue how much or when or if I will get from disability support.  My doctor is having trouble with the form.  I couldnt' find it for anything.  Now I'll have to photograph and email all my utility bills?  I don't know. I know I don't have to cut my hair for the appointment.

I'm worrying about food. Both paying for it, and obtaining it. Ordering online defeated me last time. But if my car has the snow tires and it's not too cold for her, I should be ok. the city has been treating the roads. I'm just a little freaked with the double digit minus temperatures in the forecast.  I tried walking Rene and got too cold and now I"m having to decide how much to bundle up and how and what to wear to be able to try again.   My lips, fingers and toes are definitely vulnerable to cold neuropathy and I don't want to go there again.  

I really was kind of praying for a late autumn, a late start to winter. I remember a year when it was still warm up to the third week of december!  I pray for that every single year. Lately I've been answered with a blast of winter that sticks around till spring.  I have noticed that the extremes are less extreme and last less and are less frequent, though.   I'm just basically wondering how climate change will directly affect me!

The dogs get sad wondering where Dan is, so I get out the cheese.  I load their IQ toys with cheese and tonight I also threw it all over the floor! That's a long time out of what amounts to an eight of a cup of grated cheese.  So easily is Dan forgotten for the day. LOL  Dogs love but they're also pretty simple.

He's so damn evil. I guess the shock is realizing I am not exceptional, can't get a different response, just can't get through and don't have a key. Well I don't plan on romance again. I'm going to be damn nervous of others. And I have to find a replacement for that lamp, I guess. Unless it's hiding on the property somewhere because it's a more powerful gaslight.

He still has keys for the gate doors, but I shoved knives in one door and the trash up against the other. I'm not entirely sure what to do about the locks and him having a key still.  I let him keep yard keys. Now I'm sorry.  You just think when you give someone trust, they're not going to abuse it, but this is a person who is abusive and I just can't seem to clue in. Abusive goes everywhere. I still remember how he did sex, it was straight out of porn, the misogynist kind. he wasn't violent but I didn't need to attend the ceremony.  If only I could have disassociated into a trance, but alas, that is something denied me.  I figure it's related to the autism, wherein literalness is very strong. I can't pretend away what's actually going on.  

I'm afraid of the next few years, will I be able to function well enough to stay healthy? Will the cost of dogfood and debt kill my food budget?  I don't eat a lot.  Well.

See, all this was in the back of my mind. But getting "tickled" like this by Dan has it all clamoring for my emotional attention.

It doesn't help I'm exhausted.  I've worked dead hard for days. I moved a steamer trunk full of cloth today.  through the bus, down it's stairs, onto the wagon, off the wagon into the house and full lug up the stairs, straining everything, including the antique leather handle, praying it holds, and then straining again to lift my bedding, dogs on top, with my feet, laying on my back, while dragging the trunk in underneath so the trunk can support the sag point. 

what I need are cross boards, or an antique bedspring the same size that isn't worn out.  I have a good mattress in the attic and the plan to get it down when I'm ready. I just don't know from boards. I was thinking of using the table saw to cut lumber and dig around in the garage attic, but it didn't look super likely. I couldn't find anything wide enough to fit the frame even after cutting, not even metal.  I did calculate how many I need but failed to calculate how many board feet it totals. then it has to be  broken into lumber sizes.  I can fetch it from the place up the street using my wagon and dog, so thats cool, but $$ has become a ?? and my car still has an appointment later this month for some spendy work. the parts are prepaid but the labour is not.  I'm praying it fits into my visa card. See, then I'd blow out the mortgage account to pay off the visa card in case a dog gets sick or something.  Dan had been researching vet insurance but maybe he didn't like the cost? Maybe he dynamited everything to escape responsibility or mindfulness. 

Well I havent' slept well in months and months and months and ? It's been a terribly long time. I blame the stress levels exacerbated by the emotional abuse. Last night I got three hours at one time and it was such a blessing. I've been waking up every hour and sometimes it takes two or three to get back to sleep. I've just gotten used to it, but it's tiring.  I need that fixed and fixed well.  this has got to stop.  Well if he tries to use more force on me, I'll call my social worker for advice! I'm planning to act like they're my new best friend and see how much aid is available.  I couldn't possibly need it more right now. I have every intention of pursuing my textile skills and creations and I work hard, so if there's a chance for a break, cool.

We need UBI and it needs to be well tied to inflation. People with invisible disabilities shouldn't be faced with choosing abusive relationships or being treated like dead wood and unable to actually keep housed and fed on the scraps doled out.

Yah, so I guess I have to just cut it off. I told him to prearrange supervised moving of his crap out of my space when he's ready. He's had enough time to paw over it and gather what he needs and he abused that trust so it's done.

I can't say he made me made choices or that he openly restricted me, but at least he didn't try to bolster me or encourage me or help me learn or help me navigate society or do things with me for fun or try to say things to cheer me up or otherwise put a smile on my face. He did cut me somehow if he could, whenever I was feeling good in some way. He did manufacture a financial emergency to force me to return before reaching the atlantic.  He has used financial scarcity to keep me from doing fun things, always with some completely believable story.  If it's not that there's less work, then it's that they just haven't paid him yet or he hasn't gone in to get it or he can't get ahold of the guy or he gets a speeding or red light or seatbelt ticket, and it just goes on and on. Sometimes it's legit, I've seen one of the tickets, but then getting the ticket, was it serendipity for his plans or did he help it happen?

Nobody will ever know.   He doesn't even know, because he dives into his story like a pool and he's swimming.

You know?  I'm really sick of thinking about him. Talking about him. All the thinking. 

what I want to do is remember who I am. Then, invest in it again until it feels real. Because parts of it are so fractured, they're going to need action to glue together.  And I havent' even done an inventory on that!  It's too late today for more but this felt good.  I got it off my chest. I analyzed a lot of it away. I identified that a lot of it is actually taken care of. I identified part of my fear, and I already know there's things I can do if he starts hammering on doors or jumping fences.  Hes such a fool. He could get deported.  He should just pack up his tools in his van, hitch up the truck, or vice versa, or play swappies, and haul his sorry ass back to mommy, the only person who can't see what a prick he is.  I mean, maybe Rodney didn't suicide, but instead, finally told Diva Dan to fuck the fuck off? Or something? Everything, and I mean everything, I know, has come through Dan.  And he's shown me often enough that he's dishonest to me.  He tries to tell me he's not dishonest because he doesn't steal from his clients. LOL  don't shit where you eat, eh? You know, my mother was always going on about her honesty. while teaching me how to lie, cheat, and steal. Or trying to.  Modelling it and bragging on it.  If you tried to point out the hypocrisy she just got way louder, like Dan, drowing me out and bullying me away.  No wonder Mother liked him. 

See, I worry about if I will ever manage to make connections to others again.  I worry, what if I can't stand solitude that much? I know I can take way more than anyone would expect.  You coiuld shove me in prison solitary and it wouldn't break me, although I'd certainly break down. See, you can break me down, but you can't break me. Get it? The core of me, the truth of me, I hold on to it with every fiber of my being and all the choices I make. I don't call the salvation army or garbage truck and toss his belongings. I don't put in the yard and set fire to it. I don't line the sidewalks with it like a free yard sale. I keep my promises.  I make the effort. I initiate. I offer. I give. I forgive.  I own my mistakes. I won't list my faults, but I could. I do to myself.   Overall, I'm living as the person I want to be, the person I think I should be. that's my armour, that's why I don't break even when broken down to my last bits. Because that core character is strong as steel. It doesn't break. that's my Will. All my life I have believed my will, if I choose to stand in it, is undefeatable. I'm certainly defeatable in a real world sense, but you can't break my will.  So anyway, other than a request to get at his shed, or clear out his crap, I won't respond to him.

I am a little nervous, what if he does get violent? He's an angry man.  Well I call 911 and get a peace warant, but the experience is what I shy from, it's terribly stressful!  Good example of worrying being suffering twice. Now, as well as when I must.  

So tired. Hope I sleep better with the trunk under me. Could be worse.  Won't know till I try.