talking it out doesn't help

People always say talking things out helps. I don't get it. How?  What does talking do that makes you feel better?  Only time talking to someone helps me is when I foolishly think it will result in advocacy or aid.  Which it doesn't because those are fantasies I've gotten from other people who either live in a fantasy world attached to ours, or are lying. Because there is no such thing as advocacy or aid. There's people helping family or people doing their jobs for people who've been helped by family.

Talking only frustrates me. I have to go over all that emotion and worry and bring it all fresh in my mind, purely so you know where I'm at, and then you do nothing with it except resent me for sharing all that negativity. 

Where's the help part of talking it out?

I do this in my blog for sorting though my thoughts. Having someone scold me for having them in the first place, which also happens often, isn't helpful either.

So I try not to complain, to keep it to myself. So they assume I'm fine. So when I reach out, they wonder why "all of a sudden" and assume I'm delusional or dishonest.

I mean, am I the only person seeing the catch 22 here?  complain all the time and they hate you for being a negative ninny.  Stop complaining and they take it as proof that everything's fine.

Bottom line, go away and suffer in silence. Oh, you're going to lose your home because you went away to suffer in silence so the world started punishing you for the disability it refuses to acknowlege? Well you should have complained harder.

I still can't do the work on my car and the "warm spell" keeps getting pushed a couple days further and further. I'm unlikely to get a tire guy out before thursday and it's a 10 wk appt time to get into mercedes, how can I handle  waiting???  that's bringing us to new year's and then it's really cold and meantime, I still am on summer tires and my abusive ex is offering to change them. He's already dropped money in my account.

Now you wouldn't on the surface understand the problem. No, you probably don't see it.  What's a problem with help and money when that's what I need, right?  Oh well, its coming from the abuser I'm trying to escape!!!!!  It's not help, it's a fishing line!  Sure, he'll follow through on this one, because that's how he sets the hook.  I'm vulnerable in part because I'm on my own in a world where I can't make it on my own. But he's not the kind of predator that takes your life and eats your flesh.  He takes you prisoner and eats your soul until you die of depression.

But I feel unheard and disbelieved and disregarded when I reach out to others.  So how could talking it out help? They're all going to tell me to go back to them so I'm not a burden on society. Because $30k a year is such a terrible burden in a country that budgets in billions.  If we had UBI, me and many others in my situation who have given up and just sit there being brow beaten into submission every day, would have hope and a chance. I'm fighting so hard to get free and the world just wants to send me back.  I faced the same issue when I left my parents, you know, nobody gave a damn that they were driving me crazy for their own jollies.  Nobody bothered to sit me down and discuss narcissist parenting.  no, but they were happy to call me a narcissist for caring about myself.

But you would suggest that I go talk to someone?  Do you know if I go to a psychiatrist as recommended by my GP, funded by health care, that he'll prescribe me drugs until I stop feeling anything and then tweak it so I can live on it for life?  Then of course I'll have to PAY for it, so I'll be expected, now I"m doing "fine" to manage a minimum wage exploitative job to fund my drugs for my depression.  If that doesn't make me save up to buy a handgun what would?  I do not own nor want to own any such device, but if I was chemically chained to abuse, I would, and I'd be torn between several ways of using it.

You just can't put a person through a lifetime of being emotionally and mentally crushed and squeezed and mocked, then expect them to just smile about it. It doesn't even matter who the individuals are after all these years, the faces blend, people start to look like each other, you find the friendliest faces somehow more sinister because of what they may hide. I depersonalizes humanity when they're all strangers who hate you.  This is what being a pariah is.  

and I still want to hold onto my core principles anyway because that's where my strength and identiy rests.  that is a pacifist, a compassionate humanist,  and a self aware piece of God.  That's who I really am, not this pariah role that's been laid on my shoulders.  And by whom? Why by everyone? How can someone who tries so hard be so noxious anyway?

And how do I tell anyone or show anyone when they're busy seeing their biases and assumptions? Once you've declared someone a liar, it's all stories. While someone you're trusting can tell the wildest stories and you won't question it.

How can I not feel like humanity is a pointless endeavour for me? How can I convince myself to even look for social opportunities of any kind with this view of them?

Therapy?  I actually found free therapy. She explained that it's self directed and the client sets the tone, the conversation, the subject, and directs the session.  I thought, ok, let's see what that means. It's literal. She plays the role of a wall with listening skills. Oh, uh huh, that sounds hard, yeah. Oh I don't know, what do you want me to say?"  I mean, was I talking to an AI?  Might as well have been.  She was very nice and all, but the therapy was vapid and I had no idea what to do with it. I didn't complain. I cancelled my appointments and she never contacted me to ask why.  I both did and didn't want her to, because I didn't know how to explain.  Even here I sound rude and I didn't feel that way towards her. I feel that way towards the world in general, but not everyone in specific. I keep trying to keep myself aware of the difference. People be people like bears be bears and cats be cats. But you can meet a nice bear and you can love a cat. But they can also be the bane of your existence or even end your existence. In the case of cats, see "cat scratch fever." Well it's a stat holiday and I'm going to try and do some resting.  A little knitting and a black movie, Sweeny Todd, which my ancient HPlaptop is able to actually play.