Still a non person

 So I'm stuck in that in between place. Not disabled enough to be someone's ward, too disabled to be a real person. 

Everyone at some point lectures me on trying to get things for free. When it's the only way anything ever comes to me. Free is all I am allowed to have. Ever.

You can't have unfree things if you haven't got money. You can't have money if someone won't give you any. 

Now someone please figure out how I get them to give me money with the abilities I have.  Yeah, nobody has ever done that in fifty years.  Including me. I haven't failed to try. I have simply tried and failed. And failure isn't a crime. 

Failure is not a crime.

Society compounds the error of child abuse by treating failure as a crime. By treating differentness as a thing which is judged on it's ability to make us succeed.

yet every last one of us knows the system is rigged. And when called on to fight the corruption, it would appear nobody does. They say things like "if you've nothing to hide, you don't need privacy."

And yet this is the very attitude the charter of rights and freedoms is meant to protect. 

And I'm trying to tell this to people. And they won't listen. They make up their own opinion and instead of hearing me, overlay what they have decided I'm saying. What's coming out on the other end is not what I'm saying in my mouth.

It wounds me deeply when someone I thought had respect for me communicates that indeed, they don't. And especially when that decision is based on my inability to be normal and pursue normal dreams and hopes and goals.  Which they call deliberate.

And there's the rub. 

I can't stop being. I can't be someone else. I can't make other people like me. I can't make money out of thin air. I can only accept that I can't count on others.  Not unless I'm a half dead puppy they can rescue.

Popular posts from this blog

End of January, good news mostly

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...
Read more

why I do my own hair

I booked myself in for a hair appointment yesterday.  I thought it went well, although during some points I sensed she'd turned on me.  However, she was too professional to be obvious about it so I wasn't able to know if it was paranoia or instinct, you know?  I mean, normal humans would sense these things clearly, I'm just left with a vague uncertainty I can't trust.  I can't ask anyone about it as they'd always lie.  Humans always lie.  That's the problem.  They lie, and they expect you to do the same and I just can't. I got done my hair appointment, she tried giving me a discount, several times, as though she'd done something horrible to me, but I was innocent yet.  When I was giving my hair a better look in the bathroom I finally realized she'd swapped the pink and blue colours and I had blue hair with pink accents instead of pink hair with blue accents. I stopped by the salon to make sure she knew, and she acted like she thought that was w...
Read more

does anyone care?

"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations." I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown."  It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently. It left me weeping.  Why?  Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress.  I've never experienced that.  When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics.  Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it." Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so oft...
Read more