when I catastrophize

I've lived in some pretty drekky homes. Like that basement room. Unfinished concrete, with wall panelling on 1/1 frames to create "rooms."  The "kitchen" was under the wooden stairs, the stove well under where it can set alight our only egress. The kitchen "sink" was the bathroom sink, the fridge was half blocking the hallway. One tenant slept in a large closet off the main area. I was nicely set up with my own single room, a wire folding bedframe that I owned, two cardboard boxes with a candle stick and a sheepskin, and a small 3 drawer dresser.  Yep, nicely set up. Little grey square of a window about 10" above my head that didn't open.

That was my first "home" on my own. Previous to that I lived on the largesse of a christian lady who gave me shelter, then briefly rented a room from some bachelors who decided me staying alone in my room suffering wasn't going to work for them. So that lasted a month. I mean, I know, I was crying over being lonely, just getting fired from my first job, being told I'm just not likeable enough, and getting bullied by the people I was trying to socialize with.  How rude of me.

Well I cried so hard that one day I couldn't even open my eyes when I woke up. So swollen they wouldn't open. Seriously. and everyone just cast looks of shame at me and told me if i was a better person I wouldn't be so miserable and I would be a better person if I decided not to be miserable.

For the record, Sailor Dan stopped being miserable, but he was still miserable. His life never stopped hurting and nobody ever comforted him in the cold.  Just so you get it. He learned to fake it. That's all anyone's demanding, that I fake it so they can really forget how I've been abandoned by all those "nice people" who just couldn't handle the enormity of my reality.

So those are the kinds of digs I could afford before I bought this toxic crumbling little old house of mine.  My worst case scenario is an LHK in the worst part of town with drunks and criminals for my only neighbors. I'm being ousted from this neighborhood ever so slowly with all the drunks and criminals because I don't have the cash to play the game.

See they start with hassling you and using up your resources and energy for petty complaints. Then if you can't keep up, or you get too feisty, they go inside your house looking for things. They write it up. Tell you how many days you have to rectify it. Return and start levying fines. By now, most people are on the street.  If not, they follow through on their threats and literally put you out on the street. Physically, with burly men in black wearing weapons.  Then they put up boards. Then if you're found there, they repeat the offence. Day or night, 24/7 they hound you if you use your house, and finally, because you're pretty much devastated by this, they use the fines to levy a bill you can't pay, via property tax law, and take your house.  you?  You get NOTHING. Not even the value of the lot.

And I can't afford to renovate my house to current codes. I can't get the credit to do it either.  Just can't access the resources.  So I'm exactly in that stage of life and financial class ripe for harvest. I've been trying to fit out this bus so I can reap that harvest personally, not so someone can steal it out from under me via the fucking fire and safety laws over a goddamn school bus in the yard. 

I'm so stressed and angry.

I do believe we can get in compliance before the next visit. But you know that feeling of cliffhanger they manufacture in games? That's my life, right now, and I did not manufacture this. I do not at any point remember imagining it happening in any way.  I believe it smacked me in a Tbone, out of the side from nowhere.

and yet if I sat down to tell my tale of woes and persecution, I have learned from experience, they will presume I am dissembling and manipulating and they will refuse to accept my story as truth. Then they will ramp up their cruelty as punishment for my lies.

This is what they do with child sex abuse victims too. First you make the abuse too extreme to believe, then you discredit the victim and pile on more insult because you don't believe. The thing is, even strangers do this. They see the signals of a victim of abuse and somehow, it brings out more abuse. Like they think they're doing a social service helping to continue the punishment i'm suffering.  

These are the kinds of people who believe that people deserve their experience in the right now. They believe there is some overarching law or ruler that doles out punishment in realtime to people in their lives.  If not for this life, then because of the last.  So they do their part, unthinkingly, automatically.  Emotion hits them and they presume it for truth and act on it. Their lack of understanding is never corrected because they never give their victim a listen.

it is''t until you are in this position long enough for those who know you to drift away or die, that you will understand how purely insane it truly is.  Rich or poor, there is no for 'in sickness and in health."  If you're sick too long and you don't have loyal living people who know and respect you, you're screwed.  You're a rabbit in the junkyard.

and I get so sad for myself when I see that because I know it won't kill me either. It'll just hurt so very very much.

Om Tara Tutare Tara Sovha

breathe

Time out. That's what gets me going, now i'm going to go  throttle down. Maybe knowing it's here to copy and paste will help me live with it instead of look at it.