crazy like a fox.

 Somehow I need to get it bone-in understood that I am not going to be understood. Not. Not the search for why. Not the quest for a solution. The down deep acceptance of it as a fact as deep as the coldness of winter and my autism itself and, yes the ostomy.

Because they can't see me. Because I can't be understood. I will also find little sympathy. I saw these last few days the complete absence of attention I've been complaining about in my spouse. I watched one person, holding my entire case in his hands, summary on a cover letter, and declare it not worth reading.  I watched the eyes glance and the face moue into a distaste and the whole demeanor change. 

It is pointless to try understand because that guarantees I will stay in the cycle of accepting that any reason could exist that makes sense, or that it could be any other way for that matter. 

You don't adjust to things that way. 

I don't think that means I stop being the person I respect. I'm the only person that matters in my world because I'm the only one inside this head. My own judgement of my self is the only one I can count on, and I cannot lie to myself. 

I think now about my own dishonesties.  Of course my life has it's collection. Shameful decisions, selfish moments. 

But I am quite sure I never did ruin a life or even someone's peace of mind. Mostly I ate other people's candy, and never more than I might have been offered had they been present to offer. I think that's been my worst. Well as a kid I stole money from mom to buy candy and chips, and stole candy from the store, and begged for candy money. 

Yeah, I have done my share of selfish things but not things for which I'm ashamed now. I know i don't deserve this and that's my truth. I know who I am, and that is my truth. They do not, and will never, for they will not look. It isn't important whether they could or not, they simply won't, and that I must accept as immutable. 

It's heavy.

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