Just feel like bitching

 I just feel like bitching. I'm trying on these tests and doing so badly on the logic tests it's really discouraging. I can't leave the weed alone for a whole week even, and lately, not even for a whole day. 

I can't go more than fifteen minutes between pees.

The odds I'll even take the LSAT much less do well are so low.  Even if I did manage to do as well as I thought I could (and don't anymore) and I was like, perfect score, or something, they'd still probably not be able to put me in school. Let's pretend my mother died and left me tuition money. STILL would probably be turned down. Like "oh, you're disabled you can't come in as a regular student but we've already filled our disability quotia with much more disabled people than you. Better go apply to mcdonalds or something."

I've been trying to find a way to be part of my society for my whole life and everything I could possibly do they tell me I can't, or that I can't do it well enough, so no. Then they try and tell me to do things I can't, or have tried to do and found to be a total lie. Get a paper route....  Does not pay enough to even keep the job.  I mean, literally doesn't pay enough to be monopolizing your life like it does. And besides, it's not a job, it's a pocket change hobby!  You can't even eat off it, much less pay rent and utilities, medical bills, or anything.  I tried getting jobs in restaurants. Ok, to be fair, I've never applied to wait tables. I know damn well how badly I'd tank and that they would probably call the police on me my first night as I stood in the middle of the restaurant screaming "everyone just give me five minutes to fucking think already!"  Well ok, that's a character flaw and I'm not allowed to have it. So I'm supposed to spend my whole life suffering????

But you know I still get that fucking lecture and attitude all over the place, that I'm a lesser being because I can't spend money on things and I need support. Ok, so.... I'm a lesser being because I need support.  YOU CAN"T HAVE SUPPORT, YOU ARE NOT WORTHY!  

Like, if you don't need it, you're worthy, if you do, you're not.

it is most absolutely absurd and I'm stuck there, alone. if anything happens to Dan, what about me? Do I get welfare or do they have "reasons" to deny even that?

So I really would like some solution for a basic income for myself. 

And of course I'm so deep in debt I can't have money even if I get some, because I owe it to everyone else. Because, you know, poverty breeds debt. In case you don't know, it's because you keep being in a spot where you say "damn the consequences, I need to buy X" and you yank out the credit card. But you never pay it all off because that keeps happening too often. So yuou just run it up till they stop offering credit, although i stopped accepting credit first.  I know I'm overwhelmed. 

I just feel so fucking hopeless some days.

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