In fact I really hate being worthless.

 It's funny how many people think I've engineered my life for minimum struggle and effort. It's one of the many reasons they have for not letting me participate in anything.  

I hate it.  I didn't understand till I thought about the LSAT and possibly coming out employed that I realized how bad it was. when I think about my future next year, after I've done the LSAT and it is behind me and every time my brain comes back "are you sure we have to keep living?"

I mean, i'm living because I"m not dead. that's it. I'm utterly directionless. nothing is important except those stupid fucking dishes. I mean, dishwashing is ok and I could do it as a job, but it's not exactly something you'd find fullfilling. 

Lots of little things can fulfil one.  Yes. But many require investing cash. 

Oh I'm just raging all over the place. With no marijuana in my system it's just massive. Nothing to dull the angst and anger. Nowhere to put it. I did do a pile of digging and put some in that but my body can't work hard enough to get it all out of my system before my hands won't grasp and my legs wobble. 

That's not doing a thing for my mood, let me tell you. 

Ok, venting done. 

I am proud of how much I did.  My body is gaining in both strength and stamina and that is helping my mood.  It's giving me hope that I won't always be so fecking helpless and useless.

My parrot is screaming. Little fucker.

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