"I want to be free to knit."

 A very long time ago there was a woman who rode the buses all day on a bus pass. she carried knitting gear and wore a cape that said "please let me be free" in embroidery. Her hair was an amazing confection of curls piled to the top. When she exited the bus she would fling herself off dramatically like pretending to fly, or a circus act landing.  Whee!  I asked her one day about the cape.  She told me she wanted to be allowed to go to siberia so she could be free to knit. That she used to knit for her daughter but her daughter was gone now and she couldnt' find enough peace to knit anymore. 

I didn't get it. What went on in my mind for the next twenty years was most unkind and I am sure I've spoken unkindly to others about her.

Well I think I finally understand. I'd like to just sit and knit. Or weave. Or just make, and I feel like every attempt I make to create a quiet space to create is invaded by other humans who come specifically to rattle my cage and upset me.  I can see how the idea of siberia, the taiga and it's vast emptiness, would seem like a place to find some peace and quiet.

I feel her pain now. I too just want the voices to be still and leave me alone to knit in quiet. Literally. But you know, if I said that to someone, they'd think I meant I thought there were voices in my head. Schizophrenic style.  But I consider it recalled memorized loop tapes of other people's comments in my past that reoccur often like a parrot knowing the time to make "daddy's home" whistles.  Triggers, I guess. I guess I should learn to use that word. Call them triggers instead. But then today when I did that I got feedback back that triggers "always mean someone's angry." Which means the word won't work either. ~sigh~ 

I just want to be allowed to go somewhere pretty and quiet for a few hours now and then and be comfortable and do some crafts. For now, that might be all I really need out of my bus.


Popular posts from this blog

End of January, good news mostly

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...
Read more

why I do my own hair

I booked myself in for a hair appointment yesterday.  I thought it went well, although during some points I sensed she'd turned on me.  However, she was too professional to be obvious about it so I wasn't able to know if it was paranoia or instinct, you know?  I mean, normal humans would sense these things clearly, I'm just left with a vague uncertainty I can't trust.  I can't ask anyone about it as they'd always lie.  Humans always lie.  That's the problem.  They lie, and they expect you to do the same and I just can't. I got done my hair appointment, she tried giving me a discount, several times, as though she'd done something horrible to me, but I was innocent yet.  When I was giving my hair a better look in the bathroom I finally realized she'd swapped the pink and blue colours and I had blue hair with pink accents instead of pink hair with blue accents. I stopped by the salon to make sure she knew, and she acted like she thought that was w...
Read more

does anyone care?

"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations." I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown."  It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently. It left me weeping.  Why?  Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress.  I've never experienced that.  When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics.  Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it." Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so oft...
Read more