The next 50 years

My shoulders are hunching so bad now that I need to take muscle relaxants to function. I can't sit with my phone in my hand at all and hand work is challenging. I am getting shooting pains all down my arms and numbness and tingling too, because of pinched nerves. Today they bombed me with a "you have to move every 72 hours" placard. I don't know why, but they've changed their minds on letting us live here quiet.  For now, I'm swapping car and bus and let's see how well that works.  I have a charity worker helping file taxes and apply to housing and stuff, and we met today.  I am still scared of her but treating her like she has my interests first, hoping she does. It's not like I have anything to hide anyway. So, that's the update, not much to say. 

I've been chasing relax for awhile now. the tension makes me hunch and it's pinching my arm nerves and it's not good. It hurts, and weakens my arms. So relaxing is a problem for me. I feel like I need to be ready to leap into action all the time. I can force a relax on my body but it's good for a few seconds at a time. I was getting better. Then that bylaw officer bitched on by. I was out walking one of the dogs, rain was absolutely pissing down. The kind of pissing down that is unbelievable even while it's pounding through you. Dog has just had her crap and we are ready to go back. But wait, that car has stopped, rolled it's window down, it belongs to the city, and the woman inside wants to know how I've been. This is the woman who gets to decide if I sit quiet or get tickets so I have to be polite. In the fucking drenching rain. I try and get to her point, asking if there's something she needs to tell me, or are there changes afoot. She alludes that...

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...

It was a difficult december.  I felt pretty low and my allergies were flaring often. Then someone fundraised for me and we used my credit card for it, meaning not only can I pay for repairs, but I can alternately also choose to save what was once monthly payments towards something like dental or veterinary or rental deposit or car maintenance. So that lightened my mood.  I also was able to replace my bus batteries so I can keep the diesel heater going. Well the disability forms seemed lost to me and that was bumming me out.  The dietician from the hospital called and I told her about it and she must have gotten through to the advocates to track down the application.  It finally did get submitted and while I waited for it to show up as pending, it got approved.  Like it went through immediately or something.   Well I figured, ok, might be some new advantages now, not much will change, my current multiple barrier status is equal in most things, right? We...

Once again, I really want to talk to someone and can't. Lately I've been venting on social media and it's been nice to get responses, but this time, I need to vent and can't trust anyone. It's my sister. She's a lying bitch. Always was. I never knew if she cheated too but this seems to be a yes. Mom died and sister informs me that she is sole inheritor and executor and will decide how much of the meagre remains goes to me. Does not compute. The song she sang of poverty also, does not compute and fits her style of lying. Mom was just so damn frugal and closed about it all, she was NOT broke. Besides the house never got sold. It got rented for $1500 a month. Probably to family. Who are probably still there. Sister filed a will that's over ten years old, naming my father as trustee and he's been gone since ??? I don't even remember when he died, but it's been a LONG time. That's skullduggery. I wrote the disability advocate for the court ...

Are you expecting some expression of outage? Some communication of anger? Perhaps a long sob story of need? Maybe you have waited our whole lives for me to give you an excuse to speak foully at me without inhibition?  Well I have not waited at all. I simply never did it with you in the room. I do indeed spit fire and ice and fury in your name, but not when you are there. I do it to your ghost, as it were. Soul to soul, perhaps? I wouldn't really know. What I do know is that you've been hateful since I was born. I remember it all, in it's own hazy confusing way. The gaslighting made it so hard to understand what was going on. You spoke one script while acting another and I had no idea why. I tried so hard to be that sibling to you but you rejected every single advance I ever made, didn't you? You never initiated, and were always short and curt with me when I tried. I remember. This never ended, not even in adulthood. You never reached out and when I did, ma...

A woman in New Westminster saw me on tik tok and set up a fundraiser. It has done moderately well but not life changing. Basically, a bit of funds to loosen up my options, but not really enough to do much. I also got a drip from my mother's estate, now held entirely by my sister in complete secrecy and if I don't like it, I can pay a lawyer in ontario to inquire.  I am not clear the amounts nor do I think I should detail that stuff here but if I rack up 5k between the two sources it will be surprising.  I did purchase another laptop. The first is for general writing and file management, back up the phone, etc. It does not go online, and i can write on it, and it has great battery life. Can also watch movies on it.  This new one is strong enough to do 3d CAD for printing and also let me tour the hermitcraft world. Which honestly was all I gave a damn about. It feels so criminal to have spent the money on a "toy" instead of anything else. I don't regret it, and ...