The next 50 years

My knee hurts now. My memory is shot. can't even remember why I turned this on. Oh right, my nervous system is so overwhelmed anymore it's almost impossible to find enough content to pass the day and keep me from ruminating myself into a frenzy of terror. the knee, yeah, it's the one I whacked super hard that day on the motorbike that it took 10 days to heal. The reason I still have a knee brace. It's come back at me with inflammation and muscle cramps and stiffness from hip to ankle. Nothing I have access to works. I rest, I gently exercise. I use the brace. On a similar note, my diet is really shot now. i live on a serving of cookies late in the day, and/or noodles, and 3 servings of tea or coffee with milk and sugar.  honestly, that's all i eat anymore. And that seems excessively solid. Oh, had OJ, but I need to use it up, the fridge is unplugged now till next spring. I'm just so tired. I eat the cookies because it's the only thing that bypasses the...

Like, the only way my life makes any sense is to accept the christian premise of a dimension which exists solely for the punishment of an individual and exists only for that individual. like why have I never had a decent view? I crave them. I spend most of my life in my cell.  Instead I have to leave and walk somewhere.  Well, the simulation of a long view is too expensive to run it all the hours I am awake. Which is most of them. Whether I roll with the premise that I will be rescued because I'm only being hardened for important spirit work, or that I am pointlessly striving in a dimension made purely to extend and fine tune suffering, either way, it can't be proven.  If I roll with atheism, nothing matters and it's all just temporary frustration in a meat sack.  I mean, the only one where it's worth even feeling is the first one, and I have to conclude it's bullshit.  Where's the lottery ticket or the contact from away? The dog died.  Sure, the angel to h...

I just got crashed by a dog video on tik tok.  A woman called out on facebook that she needed a friend to let the dog out because she would be late home. A dozen or more people walked the dog, nobody said they'd done it so they all volunteered until the dog was sick of it. I realized how much I'm missing out and just started bawling at the sheer unfairness of it.Community makes their lives easier but goes out of it's way to torture me and just because of the autism and it's so fucking hopeless. We are approaching the weekend and I'm still stinging by the utter failure to tug any heart strings in council offices. I am quite sure they'll make whatever next moves this weekend and all I have is shifting nightly. It's using up diesel too. I mean, if  they turn up with a tow truck I can start it up and prep for driving and that would do for that night? I don't know, it's just I can't leave, I can't sleep, and I can't calm down and this is tortu...

I wrote to the city council and was responded to with political speech amounting to "no, fuck you, run away or suffer the consequences."  and I really can't run anymore. I'm the old water buffalo facing the lions and they are the city's agents.  I move once a day hoping this advice from a person whose advice I don't trust because it's all I have left.  Just to shift late at night by a few inches back and forth.  Supposedly it interferes with their method of proving the infraction. But come on, they can show up any time between 6pm and 6 am and demand I drive out of town immediately or face immediate impounding, right?  I don't know, but it's getting in the way of sleep, I'll tell you that much. Can they tow if I live here?  Yep.  They don't care. They can bring an animal control officer and a herd of cops and bylaw officers, break in, assault and kidnap us out, haul away the pets and shove me on the boulevard while they hook up and haul awa...

I feel so cursed today! I emailled the court on the weekend. they spit back the case files and instructions how to make inquiry. I had a panic attack and closed the email wondering how to get around the panic. I am still hanging all my hopes on it. Everything holding me together. Allowing me to eat and sleep, is wrapped around the conjecture that probate court will award me enough to start over. if I contact them and it's over, and nothing to be done about it, what do I do with my despair? It's not like I stopped trying to find answers on my own, but I am getting the same results I ever have, stone cold silence and hostility. I don't know how to escape the suffering. I see it looming on the horizon as things heat up more and more to force me into the street and abandon me to the addicts and abusers.  I feel it like a force all around me of anger and focused hate and determination to hurt. It's so pointed it keeps me awake at night. I have such a hard time sleeping. I ca...