merciless

I wrote to the city council and was responded to with political speech amounting to "no, fuck you, run away or suffer the consequences." 

and I really can't run anymore. I'm the old water buffalo facing the lions and they are the city's agents. 

I move once a day hoping this advice from a person whose advice I don't trust because it's all I have left.  Just to shift late at night by a few inches back and forth.  Supposedly it interferes with their method of proving the infraction.

But come on, they can show up any time between 6pm and 6 am and demand I drive out of town immediately or face immediate impounding, right?  I don't know, but it's getting in the way of sleep, I'll tell you that much.

Can they tow if I live here?  Yep.  They don't care. They can bring an animal control officer and a herd of cops and bylaw officers, break in, assault and kidnap us out, haul away the pets and shove me on the boulevard while they hook up and haul away.

It's a terror that fills my mind constantly now.

Also, found out there's levels to autism. I thought there was only 2, can feed yourself, can't feed yourself, more or less.  To put a generalization.  I think some of the non verbal stargazer kids (my name, it's not an insult, just a reference)  probably do feed themselves, I don't know where the cutoff is.  anyway, that's just it, there's a middle, level 2 support.  Needs a lot of support but can handle a lot of independance. 

But so what, if the support doesn't exist, then what difference eh?

I mean, the problem here is not whether I have tried or qualified but that the support doesn't exist in the first place. 

On better sides of things, lemme focus on magic and hope.

Found a rock in the road which was new. I wondered whence it had come, off which vehicle, how and why?  It had a lot of scuffs and I wanted to see what this river pebble looked like cleaned up. As I started sanding it I realized it sparkled. Intrigued, I wondered if it was crystal or iron.  I found that it was magnetic, so magnetite inclusions sparkling.

I have continued to polish this umble galaxy stone and it feels like a tool of power or protection and I should hang onto it and keep polishing.

Also, another place at mosquito creek came up for only 200k.  I realized it's all wrong for me, but if I got enough in the estate, would be worth buying as rental property and Dan could rent it.  He'd like it.

Anyway,  one of the people at the pharmacy offered to assist with the information request from the court and I think he could easily parse it out. I just don't think I'm ready to end the hope should the estate not be in probate or even be bankrupt.  I can't face that right now.  The unknowing is easier to handle, i can still dive in and trust magic and believe it'll work out and just hold on a little longer, just a bit longer, just another month, year, lifetime.

I'm so tired.  I'm actually doing idle times.  Just laying there not even massaging my stomach, just staring up at the sky feeling exhausted and bored at the same time.

I mean, if this goes on much longer, it is sure to kill me. I've had some wild heart thumping lately. And if there is no magic, remember, then there is no set lifespan, and that means this whole thing can be easily cut short.  So let it be dangerous, I don't give a fuck, I am either fed up with this world or too magic to die.  It's one or the other and I guess I just have to lean into the magic, which is absolutely, positively, unquestionably, done and cooking.  Like rice or a delicate cake or souffle I may not peek until it's ready.  which is when it smells just right and nearly opens itself like a ripe fruit.

This is the thread that holds me up, see.  Fragile as it may be, it's what I have. But it keeps snapping and having to be tied up every time someone is mean to me. 

Ok, I need to lay down, I will use those long long sleep podcasts on spotify to try and keep the fear fantasies away.