The next 50 years

I have decided that I need to start considering the world around me as unreal. To stop seeing the figures around me as people.  To stop giving a damn about the stories that leak in from this weird shadow world of strangers with whom I cannot engage. If I can't engage with them, they are functionally not real.  So it's irrelevant what they think is real because they aren't real. I havent' decided what this means in terms of my personal behaviour.  I do expect the game engine to continue to react and dole out punishment shocks when I break rules. But i really think I need to remember they're all fake. Every last one of them.  Fake people.  Not actually people, just virtual reality figures with AI programming peopling the scenery.  Why I'm in this simulation is anyone's guess but I am quite certain that's what it is.  When it started, if there was ever life outside of it, why I'm in it, no idea. But nothing is real, of that I am becoming sure.  ...

I need to start understanding something important. My sister hated me because she thought I was better than her. My BFF Valerie did too. My friend Tom also was jealous.  My mother is jealous. The unnamed woman across the alley was jealous.  It probably is a lot longer list, and certainly I've been told "she hates you because she's jealous" by others. I just found the idea too preposterous to believe.   But in retrospect, viewing images of myself from earlier days, it becomes more apparent.  I really was that pretty and smart and confident and charismatic and so since I wasn't also ruthless, I got taken down repeatedly ASAP wherever I arrived.  It wasn't only once I've been told I couldn't work in some place because I was too pretty. The women would resent me and the men would want me.  Again, I found the idea silly and assumed i was being flattered. All those years people kept trying to direct me into motherhood or whoredom, nothing else was allowed du...

It's been awhile.  Nothing much has changed since my last update, though.  Still living in the bus in BC.  It's been both hard and lovely.  The flowers and scenery and ocean and nature keep me going.  I found a place where they let me just stay without hassle.  I am going for my car next month.  Got a cheap flight out and I am packing a backpack with tent and such so I can handle being in saskatchewan a couple nights. Emotionally it's a roller coaster.  Fear of losing everything.  Frustration at the situationbeing treated like a rat by the citizens.  And Dan, well, he's being himself and I hate him for it. He's gone and told one of the people in the nomad community hereabouts about my history.  Fucker just told everyone I'm trans. Like, gossip, eh?  They all know now.  It wasn't great before, they're a rough bunch of people and I don't know how to interface with them.  They seem likely to trend to violence. Threats an...

It's spring and today I finally found out where there's a tap, thank god.  I've been collecting rainwater.  This should be sufficient but the drought is real and already begun. This place is going to parch tragically this summer.  It will be hard to watch.  I hope maybe I won't at least have to cope with forest fire smoke as mostly I should get sea air. Although I do have to return to Sask. and might find it smoky then.  Just to button up the rest of my needs, really, and maybe get my teeth looked at one more time.  Not sure if that is possible as I normally have to book weeks ahead and still don't know for sure when I will get there.  It's all uncertain and partially depending on Dan and if he gets work back there for us to use. Ok, so I've been parking on the street.  The city clearly wants to hustle us out of here but doesn't want to create a PR nightmare with the homeless folks. They have closed off 2/3 of the parking for a year so Hydro can b...

How it feels to live on the street in a bus.  Lousy. Truly lousy. People regard me as a problem, not as a person. I'm not a human anymore.  I'm maybe a zombie or something? I have no rights anymore. I have no power.   It feels so stressful.  Got a citation letting me know I have change blocks every 24 hrs.  Now I know why this spot was open.  The hate is such a focused mental energy I can feel it even when it's not in sight.  My brake leak problem continues but if I flip the goofy lever switch it stops?  Maybe?  Honestly, I don't get how that lever works or what it does.  It's like, if it's up when I start the bus, I get a constant buzz.  If it's down when I run the bus, it leaks fluid all over the floor from the leaky seals I can't afford to fix. I'v e been going busking.   I want to go daily but by friday or saturday I was exhausted an also had a bunch of home work to do and so stayed home, sunday seemed unlikely to...

So, there's gratitude, aka count your blessings.  Trouble with that is it reminds me of what I can still lose and spikes my anxiety. But I try.  I remember how much warmer it is here. Then worry I won't get back next winter. That I will be stuck homeless in saskatchewan, a thing I certainly don't know how to do. Honestly, it's not the dying of cold, it's the weeks leading up to dying, the weeks of hunger and fear and helplessness, of watching my pets and plants go first.  So yeah, counting my blessings isn't working. Forget about the future.  Yeah, don't plan for it, don't worry about it, just slide on down to whatever happens. Trust in something that gives a damn about you.  Oh, yeah, that would be the something that let me have cancer "for some noble future purpose."  Or is it the force that has set my Life game mode to extra hard with a dose of internet connection problems?  Or is it the one that never answers any of my prayers?  Trust it?...

I'm so negative now, I cringe at myself. I can't seem to head it off when it starts.  I can't seem to stay on something cheerful.  I know why, I'm depressed and anxious.  I'm hungry and cold.  I need friends.  I need human networking.  I need income, work, resources.  And I'm not getting them.  Which has me so stressed I can't get out of negativity. Which makes me unpleasant and ensures I don't make any connections.  Which keeps me anxious and depressed. Which keeps me negative. Which ensures I can't make connections. So I'm still hungry and cold and terrified of the last week of the month and of losing everything and being even colder and hungrier. I don't know how to deal with it.  I'm getting stuck in the sense of hopeless doom.  I'm running out of energy due to poor nutrition. I'm doing my best to forage.  I'm trying hard to think of reasons to be grateful.  But then everything thing I give gratitude for is a thing I c...