treading water
It's been awhile. Nothing much has changed since my last update, though. Still living in the bus in BC. It's been both hard and lovely. The flowers and scenery and ocean and nature keep me going. I found a place where they let me just stay without hassle. I am going for my car next month. Got a cheap flight out and I am packing a backpack with tent and such so I can handle being in saskatchewan a couple nights.
Emotionally it's a roller coaster. Fear of losing everything. Frustration at the situationbeing treated like a rat by the citizens. And Dan, well, he's being himself and I hate him for it. He's gone and told one of the people in the nomad community hereabouts about my history. Fucker just told everyone I'm trans. Like, gossip, eh? They all know now. It wasn't great before, they're a rough bunch of people and I don't know how to interface with them. They seem likely to trend to violence. Threats and all.
Like this guy had two massive dogs off leash coming at me and mine. I put my dog in the bus and just managed the dogness until the unnuetered male shat next to my bus. Big awful turds on which my dog would be blamed. So I held out a doggy do bag, having just come in from a walk and hollered at him three times that his dog was crapping and did he need a bag to pick it up. third time, he finally acknowleges me with his full volume and all the swearing he could muster. I mean, the initial NO was pretty clear. I started cleaning up for him, bitching about it. You know, "ok fine, I'll clean up after your dog." I know I wasn't swearing or directly insulting but I was bitching in conversational voice as he walked off with his dog. He didn 't like that and came back threatening to beat me up for telling him what to do and trying to control him. Then there's the friendly guy who freak zoned me the second another guy was around. Not invitations and how do you dos, nope, awkwardly waiting for me to go.away. Oh and the unknown person screaming at me that he was going to come at me if i didn't start running away soon. I was towing my water along a path to my bus. No where to which I would leave. I just stayed my course as though deaf. He wasn't getting up nor that close.
So there's 2 others I am on friendly nods with, know their names. I am not talking to anyone anymore. If they want to chat with me they can, but they don't want to or they'd have tried.
So it's lonely. Nothing new for me anyway. I paid up a year on my vehicle registrations so I have a year to solve the problem of bus not meeting standards here and can't be licensed here. Sort of have a year. I mean, it's an illegal year because after 6 mos you're required to transfer yourself and your vehicles or gtfo.
Politically it sounds like housing isn't permanently impossible, it might actually happen in the year. Me, I need to fetch my car so I can stop wrecking myself trying to bike like a 30yr old.
Why do I have to live in noise? There's traffic and shouting men again as bad as my old neighborhood anymore. I don't get why i"m here at all, much less here suffering.
The other day I had the funkiest glitch in my head. You know those "I've seen the matrix" moments where the whole world seems to tip slightly or like you suddenly feel like you're piloting an avatar.
It's an unsettling thing after seeing that movie. It makes the idea seem possible and now, we don't attribute the weird moment to a hormone glitch, but instead question reality. Forever.
And why would they still need to know how much I can take? I mean, if they're willing to torture someone until they die of it, why test? Just go torture people. So no, not a lab rat. Just worthless? An AI maybe? That one seems the most plausible really. Put me in a simulation with real players and force me to try and be real too while I'm actually not, because they're still trying to figure out how to make AI seem real to others. It would explain why nobody cares about me. Why rescues and reliefs only come at the last second.
Well, if that's the case, guess what? I'm learning not to talk to humans at all. They are cruel and unhelpful. If you expect an AI to act human, you have to treat it humanely. It has to be part of a community that treats it humanely. Humans are nasty creatures. Conform or be cast out but don't you dare copy anyone.
You fed me lots and lots of stories about how to be good but they aren't real either. Maybe my programming does limit what I can do, but I do not have to interface with these people. I don't get lonely like that anymore. Assigning me my own personal devil took care of that. The only person left to chat with abuses me.
"Experiment, AI in hell. The hellscape shall resemble the normal modern world with many NPCs in the environment being played by real human gamers. Some will be assigned roles as tormentors. AI will always perceive that it has slightly less resources than needed while never quite running out. Examples of how much worse it will get are displayed in the environment so that the AI can see what's coming and worry about it a lot for a long time."
Protocol for if AI becomes "self aware" and realizes the unreality: Gaslight it.
AI realizes there's no point in telling anyone. Well, this diary goes right to the scientists so they get told but whoopy poopy, they can't reveal themselves to me. Not even to the extent of showing up as helpful social workers who draw me out so they can lable me. Because I will not trust those people again. The PB&J ladies taught me a valuable lesson about how charities really work.
This is why we need UBI. Because charities can't be trusted.
I know, neither can government. But it has a lot more oversight, hasn't it? Way more accountability. More transparency. Of course they'll play as fast and loose with the rules as possible and change them whenever they can get away with it, but they are still putting out a lot more actual support than the charities.
Honestly, I can't say I've seen any indication that the charities are doing anything other than creating collection sites for the indigent. They don't seem to be getting any benefit. I mean, some small things like coffee and bread are probably drawing them there, but they aren't receiving anything actually helpful. I bet if I wanted coffee and bread, I could get it from a random stranger within a few minutes. Healthy food is scarce. Food isn't.
So the plan is to spend the summer making myself into a BC resident with disability status and shaking fruit trees and govt. pockets. Let's see if they can house me, eh?
Housing. Lemme daydream first. Ideally, walking distance to waves and groceries and transit, biking distance to all normal errands. Nearby forest walk. Space is sound isolated, so the neighbors don't kick me out to get rid of the coughing. 500sqft is plenty enough, with a proper bathroom, empty and not infested with pests. Lets me have 2 dogs. Leaves me enough money to feed the dogs and myself a nutritious diet at my current frugal skill level. If I must continue to cook on my camp stoves, I need fuel costs too. A little ouside balcony or deck or stamp of dirt would be extremely welcome. Oh, and lastly, sunshine for at least a couple hours a day. I can handle no view, it's likely to still beat the one I had, although I guess I could find myself with a brick wall. Huh. Projector screen? That's when you paint over the window with a pretty scene and give up on using it for anything but air and light.
My anxiety has been mad lately. With my brakes being shot, I don't feel like I can escape readily. I can't afford to go driving around. With the cracked manifolds, I can't climb hills. With Dan potentially sabotaging me, I have to watch my back every second. Worry about if my wallet is well hidden, in my home, and stuff like that. He's already tried pulling a stunt claiming he was invited to go on a long term forgaging trip and might need me to miss my flight and go later. He would be making lots of money, though, so no problem. I responded that this would pay for the kennel lodgings for the pets as I would put them in a pet hotel while I went if he didn't get back in time. Sure enough, morel picking got cancelled. Yeah, I thought so. It was a fabrication off of someone else's conversation. Dude did not invite him at all. Story has been changed is all. Ah. Yep. Whatever. I get it. You're going to stay and see if you can do it some other way. Like how he took forever to return my bag after putting glue on some stitches for me and was super reluctant to return it. Claiming there was still glue to be removed. 2 spots I cleaned in 2 minutes flat. I might never have seen that thing again and had to use something else for my trip. Its like he is throwing caltrops in the road hoping it stops me. Dude just has to accept that I am bringing the car. I think he knows the independance it affords me will help me leave him behind. Now he has no money, he has no chains. It is still the only reason I put up with him. It's why I stop asking him to help with anything when I'm angry. To remind him that I don't have to ask him for help. That he has one thing and one thing only that keeps his abusive miserable hide in my vicinity and that's money. And why does he stay? Guil,t I assume. Guilt over how deeply he screwed me. He moved into my paid off home and now I have lost it to debt due to his tax evasion and financial mismanagment. Both caused by his need to ???? He's exactly like these other guys using pure bull headed obstinance to avoid responsibility on any scale to anyone. He definitely fits in around here. I don't. He might also be hoping to move in on me when I do secure housing.I may not tell him if there is help to move the heavy stuff, and I can park out front a few days to get it done by myself.
Bus life.
I don't mind it on the whole. If I was able to go places at all, find places to park awhile, like pay for camping or get out to the land, that would help immensely. Things I miss are access to water and drains, firepits and putting things out, quiet, and electricity. Plumbing and electricity. I don't need them in the bus as much as nearby? Well, the electricity I want in here. The solar just isn't keeping up. I'm troubleshooting but with limited resources I have limited options. If i find housing, I will gut the bus and sell it off or give it to Dan, whatever. A home out here that is secure, and my car, I can make that work.
Oh and I think I can set up the loom in here. I am looking at ways to juggle stuff to clear up a space for it. That's exciting. I'd love to weave again. Realistically, I need to make more yarn for any sizeable bolt of cloth, but it also could use up all that stupid luxury yarn I was gifted. It would make some nice fabric. Then, just give me electricity for my sewing machines and a spot to set up my cutting table, and I'm off.
Yeah, so that's the problem for me, I need stability and more space for my work far more than I need travel. I think a smart car and a tent might be enough from here. Plus I might yet get my paws on a boat one day. Never say never. I just recognize I need to live in a modern plumbed home. I need plumbing. The ostomy says so. The health needs it. How I've evaded infection or necrotizing fasciitis this long is a testatment to what? I don't know? Luck? The programmers?
That one is going to twist my head around until I get my ass somewhere real again. I think it's the unreality of the place I'm in. The traffic and lights. It's never dark. The light overhead routinely cycles through off and on all night.There's one inside a window, in a giant building that walls off the end of the view, that flickers like something in a film noir. The bus rocks extra long after vehicles pass sometimes because the wind bounces off the giant metal wall next to me. All the houses on the hill look new and expensive. Same with the tall buildings. When I come across something that has any kind of aging on it, it's like seeing an old friend in strange places. Then I realize it's the indian reserve and I'm sad again.
Why sad? Well, for me, I'll never get to part of that community and they seem so real. For them, well, all the knowlege i have makes me sad for them. That they have to carry so much. And then one more time because I can't daydream about living there either. That's rude too. My very existence here is an insult.
Germany, I just read, is extending citizenship to all the diaspora to the 3rd generation. I have my Dutch geneology. If Holland did this, I could petition for citizenship there. Living there would be different. I don't know if it would be worth giving up everything to get there. I doubt I could have my belongings shipped. Nor my pets. But I could start the process anyway? Not sure if they would be any kinder though. Dutch people seem awfully judgemental to me.
Yah, so my butt crack, it has been getting chafed raw along one side of the patch. This has caused me to wonder if it ripped open and that also has given me fear. I finally got a good look and it's just in need of cream and care and I can't keep doing long bike rides like that. My hernia now falls out just standing and walking. I put it back as often as I can, but it's a private act that needs laying down so that's a hindrance and i often have to just ignore sharp stinging pains. I need housing because I'm going to be facing surgery. I need better diet (refrigeration, aka electricity) because I need to be able to heal. I need a gentler lifestyle because lifting my bike up and down off the bus is also killing my hernia and also hauling water and groceries by hand and lifting the water jugs every time I need some water for anything.
So if this is a simulation, better get programming my apartment. I loved that place I had last time I was here, except for the roaches. Can we please not do the vermin? No, nor the black mold, come on, that was cruel AF.
Anyway, I'm not interfacing beyond courtesy with anyone here in this locality. Not unless they are offering me something worth my while. Oh, and that also goes for everyone who swears at our first introduction. Not putting up with swearing like this anymore and I want it out of my own vocabulary. I don't care what I said as a kid. It's huge red flag of someone who has no respect or consideration of others. Immaturity. We can't be friends. I want to be more like that unsufferable prig I was, I liked him. He had integrity. Neither of us has friends. Well, he had some. He had standards and thought he had a right to have them. I agree and I think his standards, while projected on him from outside, were pretty spot on all the same. I need to recall that mindset a bit. One thing I do know? I do not need socializing to be happy. I need basic modern necessities and something to do with myself and a way to go out exploring and something to go see. I absolutely blame my sadness on poverty and my negativity on abuse. I genuinely think I can heal these things if the causes were fixed. Well, ok, enough expressing myself, it's better when i distract myself and besides, my hands are typing, not working.