I need an ego

I need to start understanding something important.

My sister hated me because she thought I was better than her.

My BFF Valerie did too.

My friend Tom also was jealous. 

My mother is jealous.

The unnamed woman across the alley was jealous. 

It probably is a lot longer list, and certainly I've been told "she hates you because she's jealous" by others.

I just found the idea too preposterous to believe.  

But in retrospect, viewing images of myself from earlier days, it becomes more apparent.  I really was that pretty and smart and confident and charismatic and so since I wasn't also ruthless, I got taken down repeatedly ASAP wherever I arrived.  It wasn't only once I've been told I couldn't work in some place because I was too pretty. The women would resent me and the men would want me.  Again, I found the idea silly and assumed i was being flattered.

All those years people kept trying to direct me into motherhood or whoredom, nothing else was allowed due to this "too pretty" factor. I ran around in braids and baggy jeans and tees with an overcoat or dressed exactly as the job required. So no, I wasn't dressing inappropriately. I was always more modest than my peers but less than the cult christians.  Of whom I was jealous a tiny bit for being able to be practically sexless without being bullied for it. Or well, it seemed so.  I am sure they had their own version. But I liked to dress modestly when I could get away with it, because it didn't matter how I dressed, the wolves drooled. 

I once had a stranger grab my head and force his tongue down my throat after a two minute conversation on the bus. The memory of how disgusted I was has never left me.

Then there's the disabled dude on the street capitalizing on his disability. Asked me for a hug because I was so pretty and then used it to grope my chest.

Or the asshole art gallery owner who invited me to see some new work I would really love only to assault me behind the counter.  I was unharmed but forced to be far closer to that ugly face than a 14 yr old kid should have to be.

Or the guy feeding me gin and tonics while my parents partied at the yacht club bbq.  I was 14 then too.  It was a wild year, my first year with hips and tits.  And precious little at that.  I was a aaa with childish hips well into my 20s.  I always looked very young for my age.

Well, what began as reminding myself that the hate is admiration, became a diatribe of the sexual assaults I've suffered due to my appearance as a pretty blonde girl in my youth.

But yeah, I don't know what to do with this information but first I am going to pump up my ego and stop fearing narcisissm, and then, well, I dunno, I'm not a narc so I won't be ruthless, but maybe I will have the courage to be proactive anyway.  

Dan is not getting work.  At all.  He's just sponging longdistance off his family. At this rate he is going to fall apart and I don't know how to deal with that and i'm falling apart mechanically speaking and physically.  I also don'tknow how to fix that.  I need refrigeration.

I'm doing a lot of daydreaming.  

Currently manifesting several possiblities.  Chief among them, a store front with a warehouse space for my shop and some corner to crash in and live on the downlow there.  

Another, get a small living space for all my textile arts, and trade the bus for a cube van under 20ft lenth into which I can install my shop and solar and stuff and create a useable metal and wood working and paint shop that could double as a getaway studio. 

For now I am focusing on my flight saturday morning to get my car back from saskatchewan.  I need to spend friday night to sunday afternoon without a ride.  I have nowhere to spend saturday and that night and the  next morning except I have a tent.  I would like to walk around like the tough guy I'm used to being but my legs are developing some weird arthritic thing making walking excruciating at times. I've begun carrying a can all the time now to cope.  Doing a pack walk as far as I need to go to get my car is unreasonable and even getting from the air port to the all night truck stop is going to tax me to the limit and probably some more. 

There just isn't the resources for taxis, hotels, rental cars, anything.  Even if I come back with anything leftover that has to feed me all month.

Rene's food is down to half or less and Dan is down to a thousand bucks which maybe lasts 2 wks after buying the dogfood?  But then the phone bill has to stay paid, so that's 200/mth out of his grand.  It won't last long. 

I really need to sell my goods but so far I don't even get out often enough, feeling too stressed and achy and tired.  The lack of refrigeration means my diet is not as good as it should be.  Well that and the money problem.  Foods I no longer enjoy more than rarely if at all, home made soup, meat, cheap freezer veggies, juices, tomatoes, veggies and berries, cheese. I do get berries once a week now because I think it's important but other than the 2 eggs, the banana and the orange, all I really eat is starch, sugar, salt and flavorings.and chocolate.  I still get that. I think it's got Iron in it.  mostly it's got the element Hope in it and I need that quite badly.