The next 50 years

I'm beginning to get alarmed at my weight loss.  I wonder how light I actually am if you subtract the belly full.  My bones are beginning to pinch my skin where I sit or lean against things unless I add padding.  I chill and overheat really fast.  It's becoming something about which I'm reminded far too often.  Mostly I'm actually cheerful, singing little songs and joking, but then I go to the toilet. All strain, no gain, and I think about that colonoscopy.  SOP is a severe enema first.  But if the hole is shut, how that gets out? So one worry, they'll command me to solve the problem and come back when I'm empty.  I need the colonoscopy to clear the tubes but they won't do the colonoscopy without cleared tubes.  Catch 22? I don't know, and it scares me. How long do I have to keep trying to nutrition myself without adding more mass to my stomach, and how much more can it hold?  I'm distended as hell and the skinnier I get the more obvio...

I got the doctor to take my phone and take a pic for me. It's a gorgeous pic.  I don't know if you can get the full res but on my devices it's wonderfully detailed.  I was pleased with the fitness of my bones. I've worried about osteoporosis and now I can see I've worried well. On to why the pic.  Well we're getting onto my health now. Okay, nevermind the deets or how we got there, but I do not have an impaction, and probably only an obstruction right at the opening. But I absolutely must have a colonoscopy and that is also how they'll fix the obstruction.  that is a picture of a year's worth of backed up meals, more or less. I stood and took a good look at me in the tub and realized I have no waist purely because of the masses of swollen intestines. I"m skin and bones and going to have trouble not getting thinner over the next while. the swollen stomach disguises a lot of it. I have thinspo worthy thigh gap and chest ribs, sharp square should...

So I shall list here the gifts this year has given me. 1: I don't pee my pants anymore.  Controlling my bowel spasms has made my pelvic muscles strong again. When this is over I won't need pads and could go commando if I wished. 2: so much more compassion in me.  so much. it's immeasurable. 3: so much more sense of my own toughness.  I had no idea how much I could take even with how much I've already face in life.  I honestly think I'm in a small minority of people who wouldn't be dead by now. 4: Biofeed back relaxation training for both Dan and myself. Mostly me.  Every time I get a little bit above mellow my bowel wakes up because it still wants to poop, even if the door is locked.  So like a little red light with an alarm, i'd hop up at the first sign of stress or agitation and race to the toilet trying not to squirt out that foul shitty blood that has replaced any sign of proper crap. 5: got rid of a heavy friend who dragged me down more than lifti...

so I was in process of suicide, stove pipes open and all, when police came along to interfere.  I had to reassemble the pipes and they eventually broke in and pestered me for awhile.  Finaly we all got fed up and they gave me a worthless website link and left. They were nice, worried, and exasperated. Four large men in black about gave Timmy a heart attack. that night, impressed by the scene I'd been in, I broke down and told Dan what he'd been missing while punishing me with neglect for being mad at him.  He took me into ER that night and we wasted all night to get trivialized and sent home with laxatives. This time, two days later, we've got all my symptoms and everything I've tried printed on paper and we're going to push for surgery asap. I'm so weak anymore.  My heart races from something as simple as going downstairs to the bathroom and back.  I can't even squeeze off a plop for the pain in my butt and there's abdomen pains now. My suicide note...

when i got hit on my bike, he ignored me for four days and then scolded me for it and refused to help fix it.  it still isn't getting fixed.  he acts like they're precious treasures I'm ruining that must now be preserved from further damage by sitting in the garage forever. He talks down to me whenever he can.  He complains that I don't "listen" (obey) to him and I always argue.  I only argue when he draws me into it and it always starts with me thinking I can fill in some holes in his obviously flawed views.  Like how he thinks the USA is herding people into work camps and building gas chambers for them and intends to kill all the citizens of the whole world except those who belong to his illuminati group (that he never names.) or he tells me about some outrageous application of law and I want him to see the other side of the problem. But he only does it to get me going, I know it but I'm gone by the time I see it happening.  I mean, he's a master ...

I called mobile crisis and she pissed me off royally trying to force me to cooperate with the agenda set out.  Basically, stop the initial crisis and pass the person off on another agency without ever accidentally giving a crumb of promise of anything. Nothing.  I took the number for the domestic abuse group but I really don't feel optimistic about them either. still, I keep wondering, if I call them, do they have any real concrete ideas how a middle aged handicapped woman with no support can get by without her husband.  I really believe they don't but I want them to prove me wrong. so tomorrow I'm more likely to spend it still in crisis, arguing with annoying strangers who try and force me to obey. She got to where she kept interrupting me to try and impress on me the urgency of going to the hospital right now.  Tried to get my address and come over to force me.  ignored my point that I need to want to live, saying "well that's your choice" and similar ph...

So he went to work again but I'm still not sure he'll work late because he wasn't supposed to work all 3 days so may come home pretty early. Tomorrow, if he leaves early, and if Goddess doesn't release us with a traffic accident on today's snowy roads, I will try and dislodge the stove pipe.  I keep picturing it and thinking I can do it.  Not till it's time and whether I find a reason to put it off or do it will I know if I can follow through.  I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. Still not eating.  Still suffering on the toilet.  hardly drinking, about a liter a day.  Tom never showed up even though that fucker hit the plus one on my suicide note on g+ yesterday.  Some fucking friend. I knew it was fucked when I asked him to take me to the store and he didn't want to carry my stuff for me.  The cashier looked straight at him and acted like it was assumed he'd be doing it and called him a "big strong fellow" which pissed off Tom wh...