Insomnia part two
I'm so fucking depressed lately. I don't think about it or tell anyone because I don't want to give it added traction but tonight I have to admit it, I'm feeling utterly worthless lately. Utterly, completely. I can't seem to accept it as okay. I want so much for it to not be so. I don't want to feel guilty for using resources up, you know? I'm nobody. I'm nothing. I have zero value to the wide world. Even my cute dog vines are getting fewer and fewer likes on vine. I wonder if I'm actually crazy. I wonder if when the world looks at me it sees an old crazed drug addict with nothing to offer anyone, ugly and worn out and pitiable. I wonder if the words flowing out of my fingers are actually unstrung profundities apropos of nothing that relate to no reality and draw illogical conclusions between disparate entitities, like a schizophrenic transvestite bouncing from the paranoia of infrared cameras on his tv to the idea that he's just two days from being world famous because he's got the world's prettiest lips.
Living is an awful lot of work, what am I doing it for? For Timmy? Oh come on, that dog would have found a loving home. Dan is about the only person benefitting at all and it's a poor deal he's struck. I'm a lazy housewife and we don't have sex at all. Nevermind why, it's as much on him as me, but we don't, so I can't even say he's getting that out of the bargain. See, this is why I can't get life insurance. I'd suddenly have more value dead than I've had alive and it would most certainly encourage suicide and they know it. While no, they don't pay out on suicide, it's assumed a person would find a decent way to fake accident so the payout would go through.
Instead, I wind up daydreaming that I plugged the chimney, or a wild animal did, or frost, or... and caused carbon monoxide to fill the house and kill every last one of us in our sleep. that way I could check out without abandoning anyone who needs me. That then upsets me because it's a terrible image and I go on picturing the people who finally break into the house to find us.
Come to think, it would be at least two weeks. Dan's work would notice and give up on him after about a week of silence. Then in a couple weeks, or a month, his mother would be tired of not hearing and start calling, writing, etc. She'd eventually have to phone local police to come check on us. nobody else would. If she didn't, it could take till the unpaid taxes rang an alarm at city hall. The utilities could be disconnected from outside the house. By the time someone finally showed up, all those dead bodies would be mummified. Bunnies in the basement, parrot on the bottom of his cage, dead koi in a tank two humans, a dog, and four small finches, all deceased for however long.
Yeah, you know, Tom would probably be the first one. Maybe. I don't know if he's got the gumption to up and check on someone who won't talk to him anymore for no apparent reason. I think he'd assume I hated him anymore and just hide from me.
Anyway, I'll never go plug the chimney, it's not in me to murder or abandon Dan or Timmy or Sam or Lucky or frankly any of them. But hey, it's only 15 mins till the alarm goes off so at least I haven't spent this time tossing and turning and just feeling this shit.
I used to think I was interesting, bright, pretty, and bound for fame. It was just a matter of time before someone picked up on my talents and values and I'd be soaring! Or nah. Now I'm old, tired, crazy, lonely, unwanted by society, nearly friendless and another fucking fifty years of this shit to suffeer.
Living is an awful lot of work, what am I doing it for? For Timmy? Oh come on, that dog would have found a loving home. Dan is about the only person benefitting at all and it's a poor deal he's struck. I'm a lazy housewife and we don't have sex at all. Nevermind why, it's as much on him as me, but we don't, so I can't even say he's getting that out of the bargain. See, this is why I can't get life insurance. I'd suddenly have more value dead than I've had alive and it would most certainly encourage suicide and they know it. While no, they don't pay out on suicide, it's assumed a person would find a decent way to fake accident so the payout would go through.
Instead, I wind up daydreaming that I plugged the chimney, or a wild animal did, or frost, or... and caused carbon monoxide to fill the house and kill every last one of us in our sleep. that way I could check out without abandoning anyone who needs me. That then upsets me because it's a terrible image and I go on picturing the people who finally break into the house to find us.
Come to think, it would be at least two weeks. Dan's work would notice and give up on him after about a week of silence. Then in a couple weeks, or a month, his mother would be tired of not hearing and start calling, writing, etc. She'd eventually have to phone local police to come check on us. nobody else would. If she didn't, it could take till the unpaid taxes rang an alarm at city hall. The utilities could be disconnected from outside the house. By the time someone finally showed up, all those dead bodies would be mummified. Bunnies in the basement, parrot on the bottom of his cage, dead koi in a tank two humans, a dog, and four small finches, all deceased for however long.
Yeah, you know, Tom would probably be the first one. Maybe. I don't know if he's got the gumption to up and check on someone who won't talk to him anymore for no apparent reason. I think he'd assume I hated him anymore and just hide from me.
Anyway, I'll never go plug the chimney, it's not in me to murder or abandon Dan or Timmy or Sam or Lucky or frankly any of them. But hey, it's only 15 mins till the alarm goes off so at least I haven't spent this time tossing and turning and just feeling this shit.
I used to think I was interesting, bright, pretty, and bound for fame. It was just a matter of time before someone picked up on my talents and values and I'd be soaring! Or nah. Now I'm old, tired, crazy, lonely, unwanted by society, nearly friendless and another fucking fifty years of this shit to suffeer.