I'm a lonely ass
So I'm an ass again today. It's been spread out enough I should be okay but the minute I start trying to share out of my head it's too late, and I'm an ass.
I tweeted the president of Iran several times in reply to his tweets. Yes, I follow people like that. He is interesting, so I am interested. He is important, so I hope to buzz into his ear for world peace. That sort of thing. I don't know what he wants, personally, out of his position. Whether he wants to expand something or define something, enrich it or improve it, or just use the world for personal comfort. I don't know his heart, and I cannot imagine I ever would. I even expect it is just a low level clerk in the corner copying from the latest propaganda department slogan. But I get all full of my own self worth when I do this stuff, and that's deadly. I don't know how to protect my beloved self from the sorrow of feeling utterly worthless but I believe I have to understand that this is my place in this world. I am utterly worthless to it. Regardless what value I see in myself, or even that Dan sees, the world in general doesn't see it. Sometimes it's like they actively push it away, push me away, simply because the effort of showing my value was the taboo. So I'm concluding that, for whatever arcane reason, I'm not permitted to sell myself and nobody else will sell me. Ergo, no more sales. Emotionally, intellectually, etc.
I'll still try to run the etsy stuff, though only the rocket sold. I still can't imagine how in the hell I'm going to try and run yard sales or a fringe table. I don't currently believe in myself that way at all. I'm just praying if I don't unplan it and declare it off, a solution will present itself. A miracle, if you will, or I'll find myself doing it just fine perhaps.
My tweets, oh I dunno, I suppose I could look back but my own addled brain would continue to see nothing wrong with it. I would not be able to hold up a phrase or sentence and say "here, this is what irritates others about this" or "this I should not have sent." Instead my brain smiles a cheshire cat smile and congratulates herself on the cleverness or wisdom or insight in the thing. Is it really there or not? Well I guess it all hangs on whether or not i'm delusional and how would I know? There's no feedback in my world. Literally none. The few people I had around willing to give it only did so for abusive jollies and were being rather mean about it so I dumped them. Besides which, mostly I was just constantly getting useless criticisms and suggestions I can't use. I thought it was feedback, but mostly it was just insult, really.
I know I remember a gentler society. I know I do. when people couched their words with thought, where they used educated words instead of profanity and colourful idioms. Where it was considered positive to know etiquette and be "polite." Where did that go? Where are they? Did I behave so badly I just got cast from their graces forever? Did they go extinct? Am I just not rich enough to know them? I miss knowing smart people. I miss it so bad. Educated people. People who talked aboout literature, or science, or nature. I don't want to talk about sports, soap operas, sex or politics, but these days that leaves only religion because the smart stuff is too hard. so's the religion, they find out, when they talk with me. I can overthink sliced bread. Maybe this is what makes people join MENSA. I always just thought of it as being pretentious but maybe they're lonely like this. But then if I tried it and they didn't like me either? I think I'll just sit here and daydream about finding nice peoople if I joined it but skip calling my own bluff for now.
No, it's not like I couldn't qualify. Duh. Toss that stupid quiz at me, watch me eat it. Exams were fun for me most of the time and I've learned a lot more math since then. (still a math moron though)
I suppose I figure most people really just try to join to prove they're smart. Smart people aren't trying to prove it, they're trying to live it down. If you feel you need to prove you're smart, you're just clever, just another fine clever monkey well established in his social world. I expect the geniuses don't mind your company anyway, it'd be a break from listening to each other bore everyone with perssonal obsessions.
See, the problem here is the crazy notion that IQ trumps all. It most assuredly does not. It is a tool which humanity can use but we need the whole spectrum of human types to make this work. We needd the empaths, the listeners, the caretakers, the servers, the physical, the dirty and the clean. We need all of us, even me, though we might not realize it. We're not getting it perfect, after all. You can't have high intellect with high emotional empathy, all you get is someone like me who cries too easily without yet getting the point. Excessively emotional but still socially maladaptive. I'm very empathic, in fact, but I don't understand humans. I don't understand the choices they make. I can't, therefor, be put into a service position, for example, or counselling, you know, stuff that needs charm and personality. Nor can I stand about loading wood for pallets at -5x speed with the sheltered workshop folks. it's asking too much of me to turn down that much.
Well, this blasted browser window is glitching horribly, my keyboard is skipping and doubling letters and I'm about done whining anyway.
I tweeted the president of Iran several times in reply to his tweets. Yes, I follow people like that. He is interesting, so I am interested. He is important, so I hope to buzz into his ear for world peace. That sort of thing. I don't know what he wants, personally, out of his position. Whether he wants to expand something or define something, enrich it or improve it, or just use the world for personal comfort. I don't know his heart, and I cannot imagine I ever would. I even expect it is just a low level clerk in the corner copying from the latest propaganda department slogan. But I get all full of my own self worth when I do this stuff, and that's deadly. I don't know how to protect my beloved self from the sorrow of feeling utterly worthless but I believe I have to understand that this is my place in this world. I am utterly worthless to it. Regardless what value I see in myself, or even that Dan sees, the world in general doesn't see it. Sometimes it's like they actively push it away, push me away, simply because the effort of showing my value was the taboo. So I'm concluding that, for whatever arcane reason, I'm not permitted to sell myself and nobody else will sell me. Ergo, no more sales. Emotionally, intellectually, etc.
I'll still try to run the etsy stuff, though only the rocket sold. I still can't imagine how in the hell I'm going to try and run yard sales or a fringe table. I don't currently believe in myself that way at all. I'm just praying if I don't unplan it and declare it off, a solution will present itself. A miracle, if you will, or I'll find myself doing it just fine perhaps.
My tweets, oh I dunno, I suppose I could look back but my own addled brain would continue to see nothing wrong with it. I would not be able to hold up a phrase or sentence and say "here, this is what irritates others about this" or "this I should not have sent." Instead my brain smiles a cheshire cat smile and congratulates herself on the cleverness or wisdom or insight in the thing. Is it really there or not? Well I guess it all hangs on whether or not i'm delusional and how would I know? There's no feedback in my world. Literally none. The few people I had around willing to give it only did so for abusive jollies and were being rather mean about it so I dumped them. Besides which, mostly I was just constantly getting useless criticisms and suggestions I can't use. I thought it was feedback, but mostly it was just insult, really.
I know I remember a gentler society. I know I do. when people couched their words with thought, where they used educated words instead of profanity and colourful idioms. Where it was considered positive to know etiquette and be "polite." Where did that go? Where are they? Did I behave so badly I just got cast from their graces forever? Did they go extinct? Am I just not rich enough to know them? I miss knowing smart people. I miss it so bad. Educated people. People who talked aboout literature, or science, or nature. I don't want to talk about sports, soap operas, sex or politics, but these days that leaves only religion because the smart stuff is too hard. so's the religion, they find out, when they talk with me. I can overthink sliced bread. Maybe this is what makes people join MENSA. I always just thought of it as being pretentious but maybe they're lonely like this. But then if I tried it and they didn't like me either? I think I'll just sit here and daydream about finding nice peoople if I joined it but skip calling my own bluff for now.
No, it's not like I couldn't qualify. Duh. Toss that stupid quiz at me, watch me eat it. Exams were fun for me most of the time and I've learned a lot more math since then. (still a math moron though)
I suppose I figure most people really just try to join to prove they're smart. Smart people aren't trying to prove it, they're trying to live it down. If you feel you need to prove you're smart, you're just clever, just another fine clever monkey well established in his social world. I expect the geniuses don't mind your company anyway, it'd be a break from listening to each other bore everyone with perssonal obsessions.
See, the problem here is the crazy notion that IQ trumps all. It most assuredly does not. It is a tool which humanity can use but we need the whole spectrum of human types to make this work. We needd the empaths, the listeners, the caretakers, the servers, the physical, the dirty and the clean. We need all of us, even me, though we might not realize it. We're not getting it perfect, after all. You can't have high intellect with high emotional empathy, all you get is someone like me who cries too easily without yet getting the point. Excessively emotional but still socially maladaptive. I'm very empathic, in fact, but I don't understand humans. I don't understand the choices they make. I can't, therefor, be put into a service position, for example, or counselling, you know, stuff that needs charm and personality. Nor can I stand about loading wood for pallets at -5x speed with the sheltered workshop folks. it's asking too much of me to turn down that much.
Well, this blasted browser window is glitching horribly, my keyboard is skipping and doubling letters and I'm about done whining anyway.