The next 50 years

Just remembering my sister's behaviours towards me. How when I make a statement of observation she ALWAYS shoots me down and tells me no way, I'm wrong.  She's gaslighting me! I'm seeing her behaviour in a whole other light lately. I never saw her as a sociopathic narcissist before, so I was always feeling quite confused.  Confused at how differently we see the world, how her self statements conflict with her reality, how she treats me like I'm weak.  Now I get it. She's taking up her mother's mantle and continuing my schooling and placement as they see it.  I'm constantly being put back in my place, and since it's NOT my place and I don't fit or belong there, I'm constantly being put back there by them. That's the whole tension in my family. They want me in this one specific narrow role of "poor crazy person."  Why they want me there I don't get, but mom's been putting me there for a very very long time and Sis is just ...

I go to try and ask her to stop bringing me food.  I put it as "treats" and then "gustatory pleasures" and all she heard was "you're making me fat, you fat bitch."  So she starts interrupting me and defending herself that she's done nothing wrong and don't blame me and why would you say that. So I raise my voice to get a word in edgewise.  So she says I'm getting too worked up and drop it and let's just leave it.  Meantime I feel dismissed, disrespected, and unheard.  Now I truly AM angry and just want to flee.  Just go and never come back as long as I live. But see, I have a week yet on this project. I don't know how to navigate this. I can't say anything without it turning into some kind of psychotherapy about my problems.  She has this skill of twisting the conversation around to that topic no matter where it begins. I can't even see how we get there but within five minutes it's all about what's wrong with my head...

I'm all disabled by ranting out loud about my family's pecuniary attitudes. The latest was the utterance of a wife about her retired husband.  She stated that while she would indeed enjoy some fancy vacations, she was NOT taking her husband.  "I'll be damned if he's living the good life off my hard work!"  A quarter century together with kids and all and she's counting the balances. My spouse may be a holy terror for personality abuse but one thing I admire is he does not discuss or count cost.  I understand so much better why the emasculated retiree in this case is so frustratingly frugal.  He is quietly experiencing nut-crush over having retired young due to disability.  It's a tragic scene to witness.  It's infuriating too. Because in my family this is the very sort of accounting that took the place of the love there should have been.  Listen, if you're around me, what's mine is conditionally yours and you have a right to share it.  I do...

Oh dear, it's getting ugly in here.  I was trying to get off the "I hate that and I hate that and I hate everything" funk I was in and only my dog and my car made the "i love" cut.  I am just angry at everything anymore. Everything seems like too much.   For no reason, what's more. I mean, caused doubtless by excess tension.  I'm really struggling to manage my tension.  With my plans to drive around canada all summer on less than a thousand bucks and soon to be about $500 when all is said and done, it's very stressful. I'm worried about people judging me worthy of suffering for not making the decisions they think best, and leaving me hanging.  Then plus my tits. Oh GOD my tits!!!  They hang up on everything! They force my coat open and I can't zip up my jackets over them.  I don't know what the hell happened but they're bloody great flops of flesh with super sensitive little pebbles at the end which poke into everything and scream in ...

There's a movie quote that became a meme.  "I know you think you can do these things and you really want to try, but the fact is, you just can't!"  This from a mother to her child who is "differently abled" and trying to find her abilities. In the meme, it's communicated that this is an instantly horrifying quote. That it shocks people that a mother would say such a thing.  Yet it sounds quite normal to me. Even to this day my family are deciding, before I've had time or practice to get good at something, that I can't do it well enough and I shouldn't be supported in order to drive me away from fruitless endeavour for my own good. Meaning I get no support.  Then they also consider me a quitter.  They say things like "you can't do it.  You don't put the time in and that's why, and you'll never get any good at it because you just don't practice enough."  Even while dropping support for a fruitless endeavour, saying...

I was a disabled child with an invisible disability. Nonetheless I was certainly brought into the support system quite young, at age 8.  Every time I had difficulty with something one or both of my parents would become exasperated and quit on me, leaving me to sort it out myself and then laying shame on me for not doing so. that's how I learned a "can't do" attitude.  When I thought of things I might like to try, they'd vet my choices against some strange preconceived notions of what I should or shouldn't do, not against my proclivities and inabilities, and they'd tell me I can't. countless times I approached people with the dilemma of figuring out what to be when I graduated school and got "you can't" from them.  Then out in the world, still not prepared for adulthood, still not "being something" and people kept telling me my problem was that I had a "can't" attitude and gave up too early.  Still, nobody ever trie...

if I don't own the title racist, it's because of my fragility. I just can't face the truth. If I do own my racism, or if I don't, I'm a racist. Which leads to a lot of aggressive disrespect.  Which also leads to a confirmation bias in which every act you make is either proof of your racism or a momentary slip, an exception. The more ignorant you are, the more of these proofs you'll provide. If you get angry at being so deeply examined, that too is proof. I'm ignorant. I've done and said racist things and I remember the ignorance behind them. I remember when I learned it wrong and where I learned it wrong, and I remember also when i corrected that database upon learning better.  I know too as I encounter other ideas about other people in my head from my childhood, that they also are to be questioned. I question them. I know that everyone is an exception to every rule and that rules are naught but descriptors to help us remember things.  The trouble happe...