white guilt
if I don't own the title racist, it's because of my fragility. I just can't face the truth. If I do own my racism, or if I don't, I'm a racist. Which leads to a lot of aggressive disrespect. Which also leads to a confirmation bias in which every act you make is either proof of your racism or a momentary slip, an exception. The more ignorant you are, the more of these proofs you'll provide. If you get angry at being so deeply examined, that too is proof. I'm ignorant. I've done and said racist things and I remember the ignorance behind them. I remember when I learned it wrong and where I learned it wrong, and I remember also when i corrected that database upon learning better. I know too as I encounter other ideas about other people in my head from my childhood, that they also are to be questioned. I question them.
I know that everyone is an exception to every rule and that rules are naught but descriptors to help us remember things. The trouble happens when people won't let you be more than what's in their head. When their confirmation bias takes over and they only hear what they want to hear and see what they want to see.
Honestly, I don't think I do this. I concede that on this point too I could be mistaken. I concede there may have been things on some levels of my psyche where I do just that and entrench myself.
In general, and when it comes to observations about the environment around me, vs me and my interactions therein, I'm confident that I observe them with less bias and that I see and challenge bias most of the times it does pop up.
I have had a struggling life. There's been high and low points and more to come, but when I sit and tally it up it is tragic enough that I don't know how to talk about myself without bringing the mood down anymore!!!
Ok back to white guilt. My parents came here in the sixties oblivious that the civilized cities of the north america were in any way different than europe. In europe they've got that DNA connection to their land, but they've got no land to connect with either. Everyone rents over there.
For them, Canada represented a place they could own a home and get a job with security and good benefits. Where they could feed their kids well and have a nice life. They didn't know squat about the history here. As the kids came home from school, they also didn't teach my parents or learn about the history.
So the entire whole source of the shame I'm expected to express about being me, a white person, is that I didn't get kicked around for being indian and sometimes I got away with things because I was pretty by current standards. That, yes, included the colour of my skin. Yeah, i'll own the privileges, I always did, and was always grateful. What's more, I was perfectly happy to game them where I could. Like you do.
So what exactly is expected from me by these various angry folks? I want to heal this. I want to understand them and hear them. But you see, I don't know how to respond to them. I don't want to parrot PC phrases at them, that kind of insincerity disconnects me from people. But sincerity seems to drive people into rage overload when the subject revolves around race!
Now I'm getting these articles in news media about how everything is about race, I can't hope to relate, I will always be ... Like what even? What the fuck am I? A racist. How exactly does that appeal to me as an ally and encourage me to put effort into crossing this divide? Then if I try and dodge what is incredibly painful to hear, you call it defensiveness and unwilling to change. Well by that point I'm feeling that I've been called a liar and had words put in my mouth. At that point, the discussion has died.
Why you wanna kill it before it gets going? What do you, a brown people, what from me, a white people? Now if you're going to go on about money I'd like to point out that I'm living on the edge of homelessness, hanging on by the crust of my tears. So don't tell me about my privilege. Your house is probably bigger than mine. You better be living in 3rd world or homeless if you wanna play that "who's got less" game with me.
I've got mine, but it is definitely humble.
Yeah, so, well, I'm tossing around whether to continue reaching out and getting my wrists slapped for being pale skinned, or to just go back to being afraid of anyone who isn't white on account I never know what'll set them off.
I know that everyone is an exception to every rule and that rules are naught but descriptors to help us remember things. The trouble happens when people won't let you be more than what's in their head. When their confirmation bias takes over and they only hear what they want to hear and see what they want to see.
Honestly, I don't think I do this. I concede that on this point too I could be mistaken. I concede there may have been things on some levels of my psyche where I do just that and entrench myself.
In general, and when it comes to observations about the environment around me, vs me and my interactions therein, I'm confident that I observe them with less bias and that I see and challenge bias most of the times it does pop up.
I have had a struggling life. There's been high and low points and more to come, but when I sit and tally it up it is tragic enough that I don't know how to talk about myself without bringing the mood down anymore!!!
Ok back to white guilt. My parents came here in the sixties oblivious that the civilized cities of the north america were in any way different than europe. In europe they've got that DNA connection to their land, but they've got no land to connect with either. Everyone rents over there.
For them, Canada represented a place they could own a home and get a job with security and good benefits. Where they could feed their kids well and have a nice life. They didn't know squat about the history here. As the kids came home from school, they also didn't teach my parents or learn about the history.
So the entire whole source of the shame I'm expected to express about being me, a white person, is that I didn't get kicked around for being indian and sometimes I got away with things because I was pretty by current standards. That, yes, included the colour of my skin. Yeah, i'll own the privileges, I always did, and was always grateful. What's more, I was perfectly happy to game them where I could. Like you do.
So what exactly is expected from me by these various angry folks? I want to heal this. I want to understand them and hear them. But you see, I don't know how to respond to them. I don't want to parrot PC phrases at them, that kind of insincerity disconnects me from people. But sincerity seems to drive people into rage overload when the subject revolves around race!
Now I'm getting these articles in news media about how everything is about race, I can't hope to relate, I will always be ... Like what even? What the fuck am I? A racist. How exactly does that appeal to me as an ally and encourage me to put effort into crossing this divide? Then if I try and dodge what is incredibly painful to hear, you call it defensiveness and unwilling to change. Well by that point I'm feeling that I've been called a liar and had words put in my mouth. At that point, the discussion has died.
Why you wanna kill it before it gets going? What do you, a brown people, what from me, a white people? Now if you're going to go on about money I'd like to point out that I'm living on the edge of homelessness, hanging on by the crust of my tears. So don't tell me about my privilege. Your house is probably bigger than mine. You better be living in 3rd world or homeless if you wanna play that "who's got less" game with me.
I've got mine, but it is definitely humble.
Yeah, so, well, I'm tossing around whether to continue reaching out and getting my wrists slapped for being pale skinned, or to just go back to being afraid of anyone who isn't white on account I never know what'll set them off.