light that gas

Just remembering my sister's behaviours towards me. How when I make a statement of observation she ALWAYS shoots me down and tells me no way, I'm wrong.  She's gaslighting me! I'm seeing her behaviour in a whole other light lately. I never saw her as a sociopathic narcissist before, so I was always feeling quite confused.  Confused at how differently we see the world, how her self statements conflict with her reality, how she treats me like I'm weak.  Now I get it. She's taking up her mother's mantle and continuing my schooling and placement as they see it.  I'm constantly being put back in my place, and since it's NOT my place and I don't fit or belong there, I'm constantly being put back there by them. That's the whole tension in my family. They want me in this one specific narrow role of "poor crazy person."  Why they want me there I don't get, but mom's been putting me there for a very very long time and Sis is just continuing the tradition. Mindlessly, really.  The machinations on which she spends her mental energy are more habit and comfort zone than mindfulness, even though it does consume a lot of thinking time. Her favorite entertainments all revolve around watching people play mind games on each other too. Like she's picking up tips on how. I fucking hate my family. They use money to draw me back because, well, I am lousy at generating income and always in need. How convenient for them as it plays into "poor crazy" so well.  I recall mom saying once "no, you're not eccentric, you're crazy. You have to be rich to be eccentric.  If you're poor, you're just crazy."  And so it is with my family. Money justifies all, poverty proves the wrong, and finances are the weight against which you are judged.  It's so toxic and there's no point even trying to get along with them.  Just isn't.  I still make nice noises on facebook, because I'm a sucker for punishment, aka, a nice person. But really, fuck those bitches.  I won't be back till it's time to say good bye on her death bed, maybe.  So sick of the toxic bs.  So tired of being gaslighted and stepped on.  So tired of blinking in confusion as they try and rewrite reality solely to keep me off balance so they can keep me in the "hopeless" category. 

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