Just have to learn to stop talking
Not that I enjoy or appreciate the taciturn myself. their company leaves much to be desired. However, I clearly need to join their ranks. My garrilous company is no more appreciated from what I can. I mean, why am I working so hard to communicate with people who don't want to hear me? if they listen to me, they don't like what I'm saying. Even when they hear me, they rarely listen to the content. Fuck it man. Hubby, he's like "hey what's your opinion, but first let me cut you off after the initial phrase to tell you why you're wrong, even though I haven't heard what you want to say." I mean, why bother?
But how? I can't disable myself, I still want to be able to ask a bus driver if he stops at main street, or the store clerk to show me where the beans are! But how do I still my tongue in a world full of people baiting me just to give them a platform to talk at me? They ask me direct questions and I don't know why I can't find a polite way to move on. Anything short of engaging is criminally rude. Maybe I just need to stop trying not to be rude. It's not making me more likeable. Fuck 'em. I won't go literally stomping through people but goddamn if I'm going to put my mental energy into being more likeable.
Now I'm extremely upset and Tom is on his way over and HOW do I put it away for him? It's not like he knows how to cope with emotion. I guess I could just give him the oranges and apologize that it's all he gets for his trip across town or something. I dunno. He's not exactly likely to go hang and entertain himself either.
Why must i give a shit about anything? Why can't I turn that off? it doesn't appear to have any value to care. I mean, I know people say you can't turn off emotion, it comes unbidden. Even so, I'd like to shut mine down. I envy psychopaths. Give one a good basis in ethics and an understanding of the bigger picture, and you've created a buddha in training. This emotion, it's so barbarian and ineffective. it just doesn't enhance anything. Why the fuck do we feel?
Joy? I'll have to check the records, I don't remember it right now. There's the shallow joy of a new toy or a treat, but the kind of joy you'd live for has been few and far between in my life and sadly forgettable. What use then is all this emotion if only the painful stuff sticks around?
But it can't come by pharma means, whether they excise tissue or kill it with chemicals, they're not capable of properly selecting only the parts that produce the feeling. So it's terribly unsafe. I want to be my inner self, not some dull and dim shadow of a person inhabiting my body. The passion can go, but I want the engagement to remain with learning and creating. That's the only thing I truly like to do, is create stuff. Why is a natural producer like me stifled by her world like this? Made worthless and useless because they don't like how I talk? So I don't have a linguistic dictionary for flattery, well I was told flattery was evil. I excised it very early in life. All of it. I was told ego was evil, I've been accused continually of being an egotist, but I'm brutal with my ego. it can't be true. I stomp it down at every sign. I give it last consideration in all decisions, by rule. how can people not see that? I put myself second, I just speak first because I'm fast and I believe in myself.
Apparently that's a crime worse than child rape because child rapists get back into the society I've never been allowed to join.
Ok. I need to stop stewing now. I think I've got enough out for now and I need to find a calm place now. I still want to beat my fists against things and scream though.
But how? I can't disable myself, I still want to be able to ask a bus driver if he stops at main street, or the store clerk to show me where the beans are! But how do I still my tongue in a world full of people baiting me just to give them a platform to talk at me? They ask me direct questions and I don't know why I can't find a polite way to move on. Anything short of engaging is criminally rude. Maybe I just need to stop trying not to be rude. It's not making me more likeable. Fuck 'em. I won't go literally stomping through people but goddamn if I'm going to put my mental energy into being more likeable.
Now I'm extremely upset and Tom is on his way over and HOW do I put it away for him? It's not like he knows how to cope with emotion. I guess I could just give him the oranges and apologize that it's all he gets for his trip across town or something. I dunno. He's not exactly likely to go hang and entertain himself either.
Why must i give a shit about anything? Why can't I turn that off? it doesn't appear to have any value to care. I mean, I know people say you can't turn off emotion, it comes unbidden. Even so, I'd like to shut mine down. I envy psychopaths. Give one a good basis in ethics and an understanding of the bigger picture, and you've created a buddha in training. This emotion, it's so barbarian and ineffective. it just doesn't enhance anything. Why the fuck do we feel?
Joy? I'll have to check the records, I don't remember it right now. There's the shallow joy of a new toy or a treat, but the kind of joy you'd live for has been few and far between in my life and sadly forgettable. What use then is all this emotion if only the painful stuff sticks around?
But it can't come by pharma means, whether they excise tissue or kill it with chemicals, they're not capable of properly selecting only the parts that produce the feeling. So it's terribly unsafe. I want to be my inner self, not some dull and dim shadow of a person inhabiting my body. The passion can go, but I want the engagement to remain with learning and creating. That's the only thing I truly like to do, is create stuff. Why is a natural producer like me stifled by her world like this? Made worthless and useless because they don't like how I talk? So I don't have a linguistic dictionary for flattery, well I was told flattery was evil. I excised it very early in life. All of it. I was told ego was evil, I've been accused continually of being an egotist, but I'm brutal with my ego. it can't be true. I stomp it down at every sign. I give it last consideration in all decisions, by rule. how can people not see that? I put myself second, I just speak first because I'm fast and I believe in myself.
Apparently that's a crime worse than child rape because child rapists get back into the society I've never been allowed to join.
Ok. I need to stop stewing now. I think I've got enough out for now and I need to find a calm place now. I still want to beat my fists against things and scream though.