The next 50 years

Well I am officially a nervous wreck.  Shot. Breakdown. Can't function beyond the basics. Money did not arrive from social services last night, which was the "autodeposit" date. Meaning I am not going to have enough to cover the bank debits in the next two weeks. The fallout is unknown and terrifying. I'm swirling around trying to think of ways to suicide even knowing it will fail as always. i JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! I mean, I have to ride the train wreck all the way down the mountain, don't I?   I can't stop ugly bawling anymore. Idefinitely can't give myself my shot but then I only have one HRT shot left. But I'll run out of ostomy supplies before then. I feel so low.  So utterly worthless and pitiable. None of my self esteem is available now and if I thought it would work I'd lay my naked body down in the snow to die. theoretically it sounds possible but then I would have to make arrangements for the care of the dogs and that would mean...

Today I discovered that I can't tell if Timmy has cold ears unless I put my nose in them. I thought I was more tolerant of touching scalding hot things. I am in fact having an issue. Meanwhile the social worker and possibly doctors think I am lying.  Oh and I can't get the tap open to get at the cartridge, the tool that came with it just bends instead. I've tried soaking it in CLR with no improvement.  So it's fetch water and haul waste water. Oh and the city hasn't lifted the water advisory either. Just Dan refilled my containers at his place and brought an extra.  Oh and it's another snow storm. I have had to cancel any plans to go out. By the time the snow is flattened by other drivers, it will be too cold. So that's fun. And I do have to move some of the drift in front of my gate and car or I won't be able to later.  Finding it extremely hard to put all this out if my mind and be relaxed. Very hard indeed.

If you are reading this and feeling moved to help, please do not hesitate. I am the next needy person you see. Give what you have to give. It might be me. It could be. 

I don't want to sit with it twirling in my head. Maybe if I list it, my anxieties will take a time out. There's nothing I can do about it.  So tomorrow is payout day for social assistance for the next month.  I didn't expect to have to go this long with nothing and I'm running out of options. I'm running out of ostomy supplies and the cold is grinding back in and my credit card is nigh filled up.  I don't even have enough in the bank for the automatic withdrawals at this point. Which all happen in the next ten days. And no word yet. I feel like the intake worker has animosity towards me. When I was telling her my tale she kept interrupting me to minimize my problems.  Like how she went twice as long in her marriage, or how she was responding to my assertions of cold intolerance and inability to just go downtown.  I understood her clearly when she said, "well, whatever you have to do."  Probably the most ableist statement in the language, really. And I ...

By postive I mean that I am relatively calm of mind and not dwelling on fear. I did pop by the federal offices to apply for pension but I know personally it's a vain effort.  Nonetheless, governments must have their forms filled.   I also popped by the fabric store for a few simple sewing staples like bias tape and any discount notions to which I took a notion. I was most disappointed that all the 50% sales were members only.  I used to have to pay for membership and I just don't shop often enough to warrant it.  They give it out free now, but I still consider it elitist and obnoxious.  I never come away from that store feeling calm, but it's the last fabric store in town. It's them or amazon.  Like why bother with marketing and clubs and memberships and what not when you have no competition?  Just sell it at a fair price, put it on discount to clear, and be normal and not play mind games. I did this painting.  It was a paint by number someon...

I used to think that exposure equalled inurement. Like if you got enough needles, the pain would stop  mattering.   But it's not that simple.  When getting chemo and blood tests every day and so on, the effect changes to a greater and greater sense of aversion. Then when the trauma stops, the aversion gets even bigger. The phlebotomists at the clinic taught me this and told me of a salve I could use to numb the area. This helped me bridge over the aversion and get back to tolerating it like normal humans. I've been bullied my whole life by one person or another, only finding peace in solitude or occassionally one person or a crowd.  There's always someone, and they move in on me, exploiting my weaknesses.  And then there's the groups I try to get into. One after another, sometimes it takes months, but they suddenly find a way to disinvite me.  It's usually a lie. One group changed the meeting times but sent a representative volunteer to the old times t...

Dan is definitely going to sabotage my ability to qualify for assistance.  Another $400 mysteriously transfers into my account. I can't prevent it and it implies so much more than I can imagine. It's not good. It's not like he's going to actually support me, see, but he can make it look like he will.  Then leave me hanging whenever he feels like it. I was thinking on Barb the other day offering me money.  Like $100 cash. Which was frankly demeaning. And I suggested she give it to a really awesome guy who uses it to help the homeless, gotsnacks306 on instagram.  Well that money dissappeared as she made a little mouie with her mouth and stated she only gives to people she knows. I didn't say "Yeah, I don't doubt it."  I said "Oh ok."  Because I knew exactly what was going on and it wasn't charity. Narcissists use money to indebt people in order to make of them puppets. "Dance to my tune and I will let you eat this week."  Which I ...