The next 50 years

I've been tossing this around. I could be content just sitting at home, so why am I not? Why do I have this desperate drive to get away? Ok, well the first problem is winter handicaps me severely.  I'm housebound at minus ten. I don't have a car that handles the cold nor lungs to handle it, and when I've pushed myself using asthma meds, discovered the cold neuropathy comes roaring back and stays around a few days after if I let my hands or feet get cold! Yeah, so I don't know why anyone wouldn't consider that a legitimate concern.  So I want away from winter. Now staying in should be not so bad, except I am utterly reliant on Dan to do that.  I rely on him to fetch provisions and provide the finances.  Now that sounds like a good thing, and it has very good aspects, but the problem with it is Dan himself. He is an abusive person always pushing everyone's buttons to get them riled up and shouting so he can feel less emotionally uncontrolled himself.  It...

Thank god for this blog.  Where the hell else could I get into this?  I was wishing I had a therapist today, but making the phone calls to try and find one, then meeting multiple people as we're dating for a relationship, assuming I have choices?  Nope. I ain't gonna do it. You can't make me! Ok well, so the thing I want to ask a therapist is, how do I figure out if I'm a passive aggressive covert narcissist, is that even a real thing, and if I am, what do I do about it?  I don't want to be. I'm so tired of everyong pushing me away. I want to be at least tolerable. pasting: Sensitivity to criticism Passive aggression Self-criticism Shyness Fantasies Other mental health issues Long-held grudges Envy Feelings of inadequacy False empathy Yeah, so that's cool, they're clickable.  Ok, I know I am hypersensitive to criticism. I know why too, I think anyone would be, because it's always been part of a life time of peer abuse and family a...

Well I think posting on Reddit isn't suiting me. I don't like getting all that feedback. I'm not able to discern honest feedback from manipulative feedback and I'm not strong enough for it.  It can be so terribly hard to figure out and every situation has two sides. I just don't want to be out there being told the other side.  Anyway, I'm still not sure why I need to talk about it anyway. I'd rather stop so I guess the reddit thing just isn't on.  But now I have more nasty words tumbling around in my head making me even sure that either I am a nasty person and should recuse myself to save others, or I am a nice person who'll never be understood or heard right and should recuse myself to save myself. Just that social isolation is difficult and scary. Especially since I'm married to a mad man whose trip down the rabbit hole is making him irate, forgetful, distant, and negative.  I really daydream about getting out of here.

I have been using reddit, so airing my whine around others, hoping for? I dunno. Doesn't do me any good and this in fact is better because I know I won't get responses at all. When I do get responses they're often a drawback, not a help. Like scolding me for something that isn't even in the topic but they read between the lines and want to correct me. Or platitudes. Oh I hate those. And really, my situation is pretty rare if anyone in the whole world ever had it at all.  Today's helpless bitching session focuses on my marriage.  Oh I've had some big sessions around my mother and sister this winter, and my failure to coe with people generally. But today it's Mr. Miracle?  Wha? Well not long after we married, our sex life died.  He never talked about it so I don't know how it bounced around in his head. I wasn't happy about it but between his pure mindless oafishness and my physical situation it just wasn't happening.  Turns out a huge problem wa...

I magiced the puppy. Ok so the puppy got spayed and it got infected.  There was edema and a terrible ugly cyst.  We'd taken her in earlier and the symptoms had masked in the clinic, but then two days later burst out worse than ever. She was depressed, in pain, all in all, just awful. So I rushed breakfast to take her in. The cyst broke open that morning and she was dripping ichor all over that morning. Yech.    Well the vet flushed the wound and prescribed antibiotics, pain killers, and saline flushes.  She also had a cough which was really scaring me.  So I sat down that evening and put myself into magic mode.  I drew down the stars and covered her with shining invisible light. I illuminated her like a 3d xray in my mind and saw the black area where the ichor was flushing away and that it had contained boundaries and was shrinking, but flourishing in the center of her chest, well in her lungs, there was greyness.  Sticky, persistent, alive, some ...

So my kidney is swollen, can't drain properly. Things to do all depend on testing for kidney function. Which only happens early in the morning, at the university hospital.  Which is when my ostomy is active. Which sent me into a tailspin. I told her I'd have to go have my emotions and get back to her on Monday. I also decided to stop vlogging. it's so damn much work and far as I can see, pointless.   When I really need to share, I come here.  Where I know nobody gives a fuck, no illusions. I get it off my chest. Nobody will argue with me or worry about me. I'm so sick of trying to explain myself to people.  It's so pointless. They don't get it. They never get it. Even when it's something as simple as my ostomy problems. in that case I think they start shutting it out after the word "colostomy" and just step back onto protocol. So why am I testing my kidney again? To decide what to do about it. Ignore it or shove a tube up and try to get it flowing...

We are part of God. We came from and will return to It. When we are with it, we know what It knows, for we are they are they are us and we are all one. But Life, for that is another name we have, thirsts to know itself. To speak and hear it's own story. And that is a very long story which contains every story ever told. If it can be, it shall be, and so every life is a part that must be played. The script may be improv, but the nature of events and characters and choices shall not.  For each and every life, however tragic, that can possibly happen must happen.  Each of us plays a role. When we've done wrong, we were part of someone's experience who was slated to have that experience and when we've been harmed, it was also time to feel harm. Or time to feel victory. Or joy or sorrow or shame or pride.  Depending on the story and the part you've chosen before birth. it's yours now. YOu aren't that part, that part isn't you. No more than an actor is the rol...