The next 50 years

So there's a group of people in the room.  Let's say they're a knitting group, because it's easy to picture.  One begins to tell about a recent moment and how she felt.  Another pipes up to to express sympathy, expressing how she thinks it would feel.  Suddenly, the first woman jumps up in a rage, declares that the very idea of feeling that way is heinous, and begins to insult the second woman's ancestry, intellect, feelings, and to curse her existence. The second woman just sits there bewildered or else gets up and rushes out in tears.  Eventually she does rush out in tears, and you never see her again. That is the face of autism. She tried to understand the other woman and express sympathy and show interest in her, and instead offended her beyond forgiveness.  The autistic woman will never know what she did wrong and even if you explain it, won't understand why.  The outcome for her will always simply rest on "they're crazy." It's not tha...

I've been sick for weeks.  My digestive system has been spasming and clenching and inflamed and I don't know why.  I've been working on it.  I added some rice, more water and vegetables in the ratio, and reduced the input after rechecking calorie needs.  That plus stool softeners and NSAID medication for 3 wks at a time with a week off to reset the body.  Finally it was down to a minor concern and I was relaxing from the stress of it.  today I was going to have a kind of spa day.  Do all the laundry, colour my hair, and take a relaxing bath.  I was even feeling able to make phone calls and interact with people!  I'd been out interacting yesterday and it went well. so I have a toothache now.  The most frightening thing that ever happens to me is pain in my teeth and more so since I had to quit seeing my last dentist. Not sure if that's recorded.  So I'd been using the hospital dental clinic since my university days.  I felt ba...

So I'm thinking as usual about people who never became friends and wondering, of course, why.  Then remembering why I think I keep failing to make friends with non-abusive people.  Everyone I know is mentally disturbed, whether dx'd or just spewing hurt on everyone without compunction. I have never felt that it was because I was doing that.  I have a list of reasons in my mind why I think nice people give me a pass.  I will list them, as though I were going to print them on a tee shirt. "reasons why you won't like me: 1. I'm smarter than you (unless I can't keep up with you but that's rare.) 2. I think I'm smarter than you.  (it's irrelevant if I'm right or wrong, it's just too rude to think I'm smart if I'm not rich from it.) 3. I use drugs. 4. I am not ashamed of my current or past drug use. 5. I talk too loudly, joke too much, and wear too bright colours.  I'll embarass you (though I don't know why that's embarassing.)...

So I'm determined to go see Ayami at the hospital.  I'd like to give her a massage, she'd like it so much and I'd feel so valuable sharing that talent.  I'm very very good at it, but Dan's too ticklish so I've not done it for anyone in years.  It would feel good to reconnect with that side of me, the healer. But here's the thing, I'm sick again.  Well, I don't like the phrase I used, since it implies an illness and healing and stuff, and chronic conditions that come and go don't qualify.  But I mean in the sense of being in the middle of a run of "bad days" when I'm low on "spoons" to quote a disability meme.  My emotional control finally leveled over the weekend.  It's not cheerful at all, but I'm not bursting into tears as easily.  My muscle cramping in my back is at a high, although I'm on aspirin for the other problem right now, that'll probably settle the cramps.  Actualy, since I Haven't take...

She drew an e-cig from the tip of her long pointy hat and blew vape rings at me.  I knew then that this was no ordinary witch.  I cracked a rude joke and she started to cackle, then to cough.  That's when I passed her the bong. I thought about that while out cycling. Yeah, it's me, LOL, or at least a happy vision of me.  I don't think it's the vision others get of me but I like to pretend. So Dan seems more able to accept an ugly woman "turning into" a man, but not a man becoming female, especially an ugly woman.  He uses the genetics argument to defend himself, but I know it's sexual.  He, like so many men, sees it as an emasculation, a threat to the testosterone joy he values.  If it can happen to a man, especially one in his 60s, what's to protect any man?  If this man knew all along, why did he show no signs of it for six decades?  Valid questions, but not the ones they're asking.  They're asking stupid questions like why he couldn...

I did a pile of digging to find the model of my house that I made way back in 2007.  it took quite a while and I'm pleased at my success.  Along with it, I found my original design for the addition and I realized if we'd stuck to it, the thing would have gotten built. Okay, so I had this simple add-on room that would have doubled the space in here and allowed the basement to be turned into a bedroom.  It was lovely and I was quite pleased.  Before we could go ahead, I needed legal blue prints. So we found someone in the yellow pages and met with him.  I had print-offs of my designs and explained it.  By the time we were done we'd spent $850 on a massive build with basement, 14'high wall of windows, overlook on a hall, extra stairs to an elevated living room, and blueprints for it.  A structure we just never had the money to build.  We'd have to put so much down just to get the foundation built and there'd be all this digging with big machines and...

It occurs to me that living the last quarter century in a house that has less than 500 square feet, and only 325 as listed by real estate means I'm living in a tiny house. During these years I've developed a number of ways to fit my life into this tiny space and cope with the cluttering and keep it liveable. The first thing I ever did was rip a hole in the wall that divided the main floor.  There was the kitchen, and there was the living room.  I put shelving in the upper half of the main wall, leaving the studs intact and putting wooden shelves into them.  This kept the wall strong while opening it up to light and air.  I used them to store pickle jars of dry goods, spices, teas, and some knick knacks. Over the years shelving and paintings have battled over territory and there is at least one set of shelves using a painting hung from ceiling hooks as a cupboard door.  I've learned that items on open shelves really must be as uniform as possible, and made of a...