So I'm thinking as usual about people who never became friends and wondering, of course, why. Then remembering why I think I keep failing to make friends with non-abusive people. Everyone I know is mentally disturbed, whether dx'd or just spewing hurt on everyone without compunction.
I have never felt that it was because I was doing that. I have a list of reasons in my mind why I think nice people give me a pass. I will list them, as though I were going to print them on a tee shirt.
"reasons why you won't like me:
1. I'm smarter than you (unless I can't keep up with you but that's rare.)
2. I think I'm smarter than you. (it's irrelevant if I'm right or wrong, it's just too rude to think I'm smart if I'm not rich from it.)
3. I use drugs.
4. I am not ashamed of my current or past drug use.
5. I talk too loudly, joke too much, and wear too bright colours. I'll embarass you (though I don't know why that's embarassing.)
6. I was sexually active in my youth and unashamed about it.
7. I wasn't as sexually active in my youth as you and you're ashamed about it.
8. I talk about blunt topics, deep topics, and technical topics. None of which you understand.
9. I can't remember enough details of your very personally centered discussion to hold up my end of your conversation.
10. I can't change because I am already being the very best version of myself possible with every passing day and you won't accept that because it shames you, since most people are not trying to be their best every day.
So you see, I feel that I can't have nice friends, that I'll be judged negatively, that I will never be accepted or have community, but not because I doubt myself. I know I am a wonderful person. I know my real flaws, which ones I'm trying to improve, which ones are the flip side of a virtue I appreciate, and what my motives are. What I don't know is what complicated story you're going to make up about my inner life that causes you to hate me enough to actually put effort in causing me discomfort. I will never know which one of you is going to go that far, but I will know that the rest of you won't stop it. I don't know if you could or not, but that you won't.
I didn't get out to see Ayami yesterday. Emotions and bad digestion kept me at home.
I am finding myself waking up with more than normal reluctance to face the day. I'm normally resigned that sleep is gone and stuff needs doing, but these days I actually feel angry at having to face another damn day.
I hope I get out to see Ayami today. I feel even nastier inside for not making it all week. Part of that will involve finding ways to stop thinking about all ^^^ that up there, the foregoing vomitus. So I must needs line up a comedy, if I can find one I haven't seen or have actually forgotten enough of, after I paste this text into the blog window.
I write in a text app then paste through. The web interface can't quite keep up with my typing speed.
now my ipad can't run the browser. In fact it seems to be all the Internet apps that are crashing. Maybe. I get such a storm of emotion when it happens that my hypothalamus takes over and my neocortex, where intellect resides fails utterly.
So I was able to mail myself the text and finish with my phone. Damn frustrating.
I have never felt that it was because I was doing that. I have a list of reasons in my mind why I think nice people give me a pass. I will list them, as though I were going to print them on a tee shirt.
"reasons why you won't like me:
1. I'm smarter than you (unless I can't keep up with you but that's rare.)
2. I think I'm smarter than you. (it's irrelevant if I'm right or wrong, it's just too rude to think I'm smart if I'm not rich from it.)
3. I use drugs.
4. I am not ashamed of my current or past drug use.
5. I talk too loudly, joke too much, and wear too bright colours. I'll embarass you (though I don't know why that's embarassing.)
6. I was sexually active in my youth and unashamed about it.
7. I wasn't as sexually active in my youth as you and you're ashamed about it.
8. I talk about blunt topics, deep topics, and technical topics. None of which you understand.
9. I can't remember enough details of your very personally centered discussion to hold up my end of your conversation.
10. I can't change because I am already being the very best version of myself possible with every passing day and you won't accept that because it shames you, since most people are not trying to be their best every day.
So you see, I feel that I can't have nice friends, that I'll be judged negatively, that I will never be accepted or have community, but not because I doubt myself. I know I am a wonderful person. I know my real flaws, which ones I'm trying to improve, which ones are the flip side of a virtue I appreciate, and what my motives are. What I don't know is what complicated story you're going to make up about my inner life that causes you to hate me enough to actually put effort in causing me discomfort. I will never know which one of you is going to go that far, but I will know that the rest of you won't stop it. I don't know if you could or not, but that you won't.
I didn't get out to see Ayami yesterday. Emotions and bad digestion kept me at home.
I am finding myself waking up with more than normal reluctance to face the day. I'm normally resigned that sleep is gone and stuff needs doing, but these days I actually feel angry at having to face another damn day.
I hope I get out to see Ayami today. I feel even nastier inside for not making it all week. Part of that will involve finding ways to stop thinking about all ^^^ that up there, the foregoing vomitus. So I must needs line up a comedy, if I can find one I haven't seen or have actually forgotten enough of, after I paste this text into the blog window.
I write in a text app then paste through. The web interface can't quite keep up with my typing speed.
now my ipad can't run the browser. In fact it seems to be all the Internet apps that are crashing. Maybe. I get such a storm of emotion when it happens that my hypothalamus takes over and my neocortex, where intellect resides fails utterly.
So I was able to mail myself the text and finish with my phone. Damn frustrating.