reactions to someone's story

 I'm listening to someone's story.  It's a story of horrific proportions. Something out of the trashiest smut novels that ever occupied the space under a mattress.  I've read too mny fiction and fantasy accounts not to believe her story. I also keep needing the comfort of "she could be an actress with a good script."  But I do believe her.

Well of course her story isn't what I"m here to work on, but my response to it.

First off, I feel better about my life becuase it truly could have been worse. I wonder how my sweet cousin was treated.  She's touched ever so lightly on the fact that she wasn't untouched, but this kind of thing is so heavy. So damn heavy. If it wasn't for the foul fiction I've face, from age 11 onward, I wouldn't be able to stand to hear it at all.  

My mother read novels with severe sadism and rape scenes intricately described for the purpose of pornographic enjoyment.  I got my hands on them, well before I should have.

here's the thing, I'm dead sure someone sexually interfered with me before age 4. Before my conscious memories begin. It had some lasting effects on me which piled up intersectionally with my other issues.  I was faced with sex abuse side effects, autism, isolation, lack of support or love, and widespread bullying.


I didn't stand a fucking chance.  This survivor has reconciled herself with her memories through the same realization.  It was genuinely beyond her control, even when she made "choices."  Likewise, I was buffeted by forces beyond my tiny self and my victim mentality, whihc perpetuated the abuse, was valid.  The perpetuation of the abuse as I continued, due to the scarring and injury I was suffering, was also not my fault nor due me. It was still also cruel. 

I really don't know how to do humans. They're so fucking cruel.

Well I don't know how I'm going to cope with resource aquisition, but I do still feel like avoiding people is worth while and, frankly, the only choice. I just can't anymore. 

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