isolation

 I see better why people try to keep others out of isolation, more or less. I mean, they put people there to punish them for poor social behaviour, but then talk about how inhumane and damaging it is.  It's a funny world.

So one of the things I just learned is that when you're alone that much, this much, like me, it causes face blindness.  When I was young, I had a knack for faces. I was proud of it.  My social skills were far better too, I could slap on a smile and work my way through some compliments and the rest.  Nowadays I can barely talk enough to complete a transaction.

Funny thing is, it results in further social isolation.  People just don't want to deal with it.  They'll all have reasons, none of which will be valid.  Kind of like I've fallen into the Uncanny Valley where I am too human to not be human enough. "Something wrong with them."  And of course I also have a ton of side effects from the isolation, such as lack of conversation, self obsession, no sense of how others see me, (and I don't want to anymore, it sounds horrible) and on it goes.  I get very negative. I get down.  Hell, I'm depressed. As you would be when your'e so screwed up.  I can affirm this is caused more by my illness than my disability.  I was a social butterfly to a degree and could slip into a social mode and have a lot of fun. For a time I even had a circle of friends.  Moving to this house started the slide down and it's just gone down ever since. Wherever the cancer came from it, it was a contiguous time frame with moving across town to a shitty neighborhood.    I won't miss this house when I put it behind me. I feel like the house was in an abusive relationship, slowly poisoning me while sheltering me, keeping me trapped and killing me subtly. The black mold is still there too, like a bad haunting, making us too sick to fix it.

So how do I fix the isolation while behaving in a way that isolates me? 

Today I realized another human who started out warm has gotten icy with me. I think it's due to insufficient correct lace words.  Not enough grease, too much substance, as old manners teachers might have said. It's just such a totally mentally overwhelming job to think of things I"m supposed to say. I used to have a lot of practice but now?  I just don't eeven want to anymore. 

I really don't. But geeze, hermiting is hard when you can't just hide somewhere and have understanding persons drop off food.

Or have the skills to feed yourself off the land. 

Ok, well I'm not sure I resolved anything but I got it off my chest.  I'm in a catch 22 and with autism, not sure I can fix it at all. 

No, there isn't any support.

Oh, and being trans means you don't get compliments on your new hair cut. Because it's gender non-conforming for the assigned gender and You Shall Be Punished for Non Conformity.

Popular posts from this blog

End of January, good news mostly

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...
Read more

why I do my own hair

I booked myself in for a hair appointment yesterday.  I thought it went well, although during some points I sensed she'd turned on me.  However, she was too professional to be obvious about it so I wasn't able to know if it was paranoia or instinct, you know?  I mean, normal humans would sense these things clearly, I'm just left with a vague uncertainty I can't trust.  I can't ask anyone about it as they'd always lie.  Humans always lie.  That's the problem.  They lie, and they expect you to do the same and I just can't. I got done my hair appointment, she tried giving me a discount, several times, as though she'd done something horrible to me, but I was innocent yet.  When I was giving my hair a better look in the bathroom I finally realized she'd swapped the pink and blue colours and I had blue hair with pink accents instead of pink hair with blue accents. I stopped by the salon to make sure she knew, and she acted like she thought that was w...
Read more

does anyone care?

"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations." I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown."  It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently. It left me weeping.  Why?  Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress.  I've never experienced that.  When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics.  Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it." Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so oft...
Read more