it's a small world, and it gets brutal.

 A long time ago when the internet was wild and young and nobody was policing yet, I surfed some very dark back pages. Well really it was the newsgroups and file sharing sites. You'd find child rape. I think I viewed maybe three or four files before deciding my curiousity was served. I deleted them and never did it again. It was still awhile before the police formed ICE, but I really didn't want that stuff.  There were also snuff porn clips, cannibal and bdsm fantasy art, etc.  I was just really learning about humans.

Well this one child has haunted me. Her eyes were so hollow and resolute, her expression flat.  Her pose was terribly uncomfortable but that paled in comparison to what the hairy male torso and arms was inflicting upon her. The title of the clip had indicated that he was demonstrating how well broken in this child was.  The child in question was not more than four or five. Perhaps six if tiny enough, and her face, and that expression, as the man did such terrible things to her has haunted me ever since.

Today I "met" her, so to speak in a video from australia.  She has finally put that man in jail, but the cost to her was monumental as one would expect. I looked at the face on the screen, talking about that past I'd seen in the video, and they flashed pictures of her then, which is how I recognized her.

What's worse, she's the 2nd of the abuse victim videos on youtube (it's been feeding me them) that I recognized from those clips from the internet.  Funny how i always wondered what happened and now I know.  Tragically, none of them were saved.  All of them had to suffer the lifestyle of the battered and broken.

I can't really tell anyone I had these files, it's that toxic a subject. But truly the overwhelming response is compassion for the children and wanting to rescue them. Unable, of course, and in every case the file is just old enough that it's really too late. These were digitized vcr files that had been traded about for close to a decade already.  The helplessness of being unable to rescue, and the general feeling of filth that these files left in my heart, this tells me I am not evil. I know more than ever before I could never treat a child like that.  I know how cruel it is.  I know I care and have empathy. I think the exploration has had more to do with trying to plumb the depths of my own mysteries. 

I've been so messed with in so many ways, I always knew I was not fit for parenting. I've often said the most loving thing I could do for my children was to sterilize myself before they happened. 

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