bits and pieces

 So first the Jeffrey Epstien scandal broke.  Then Netflix put out a docu interviewing his victims, talking about his operation, and etc.  Then I came across Anneke Lucas talking about the european wealthy pedophiles and her suffering at their hands.

Then I start to understand myself a little more.

I do not believe I've been raped, but I do believe I've been molested.  I think I was molested in the evenings as a way of getting me to sleep. I think I was molested by a grand parent briefly, and that might have been oral? Or there wasa neighborhood boy who tried that on me. Probably because I was always sucking my thumb. BTW, late lasting thumb sucking is a symptom of childhood sexual interference.  Hanging onto juvenile behaviour like that for self comfort.

But lots of other things can cause it. As with every other sign in myself of possible interference, other things could cause it. I think I remember the neighborhood boy. After that period, sexual assault took a breakwhile peer abuse took over.  As puberty arrived, however, the assaults began again.  Boys trying to get away with something. Men trying to get away with something. Men trying to lure me away.  Men shoving their tongues into my mouth after cajoling my agreement to "allow one little kiss on the cheek." Or cornering me in a hallway and using their physical size to hold me in place and force some groping and kisses. If I wasn't so flexible, strong, independant and aware, it would have gone a lot worse.  I see now I was also scouted several times for the sex trade and my general independance and inability to keep secrets is what saved me.  Plus someone who knew a little about the subject (pre internet) was able to teach me.  He sat me down in a hostel and explained how girls like me could be drugged in a bar and dragged off to star in porn films, and it only ends in a snuff film.  I knew enough about by now about adult sexuality to believe him, and he said Vancouver was a hotbed for such behaviour, that I should first pick a safer city to get some working experience and some savings before seeking to go somewhere exciting.  Wise words and I took the advice to my betterment.  I understand much better how much suffering I was spared by that advice.  I was so very tiny and sexy.  I had strong principles that kept me from being too easy, but I was definitely a sex machine once going, in that way only child sex abuse survivors can understand.  Performative, not responsive and loving.   I did have some relationships where the man was sincerely interested in giving as much as he got. That's a beautiful thing. I wish they had lasted. But they weren't gay men and I am a man and inevitably their inner understandings wanted an actual woman, not a man in a woman's body.  

Intersectionality.  When any one of the various blocks might be no big deal to you, but all of them together is a damn moonscape and you didn't get a key to the rover.

Intersectionality is qualifying for more than one handicap.  I use this in the way they do with sports. When someone gets a handicap, they get extra time added, or weight put on them, or they have to wait back before starting the race, or they get points added at the start of the round of golf, and so on.  Well in life, these things manifest as disabilities or social road blocks. Being black. Being queer. being disabled. Being poor.  All types of these.

Mine are disability, multiple disabilities, btw, being queer, and being AFAB (assigned female at birth.) These then brought poverty into the picture.  Which all together have added mental illness due to the very natural effectof this kind of life.

Ok, back to the start of this list of things, the sex trade and child sex abuse and the name that drove me to my keyboard:  Aileen Wuornos. Here's a woman born to be killed by sex. Abused from birth, everything you've heard from the victims listed above, in filth and decay, not pretty mansions.  No waiting next to a gold plated fountain listening to screams and laughter, plied with drugs to numb her. No, she was just in a world that had no beauty, no love, no pleasure, no comfort, no break in the pain and hunger and endless driving to escape coupled with sheer terror of how much uglier it is "out there where they aren't even your family!"

Then when she's out in the streets still doing the only thing she ever got taught to do, and discovering life isn't always like that. That she got a raw deal. Gradually the depth of that raw deal grows.  Finally, after all these years, the psychotic split. There's Aileen that's being pushed around and whined at by the princess, that Aileen is a hero, a rescuer, important.  then the Aileen that does what she's gotta do to get that money, because men are all such horrible beasts.   She really doesn't have any will to live, never did. But wishing doesn't make you die.  Even committing suicide doesn't make you die.  You're led to believe it will but you see, the body has a mind of it's own. most of the time you never notice.  It can sleepwalk. it handles the basics of keeping itself alive and lets you do as you please so long as you feed it and don't kill it. the body is a tolerant thing and you can get away with a lot of abuse. But not always. 

I suspect the first murder was as Aileen said it was.  in every telling of her tale, the first guy was killing her and had every intention of taking her out. She was along for the ride, frankly didn't give a damn if he killed her. But her body, well I believe she said it was like she got taken over by someone else.  The body will take over. Her body has no morals.  To expect aileen to have exceptional self control even over automatic body takeovers is absurd.  She was a young sex abuse victim, not a fully trained ninja.  her body murdered that man and left her standing there understanding what had just been added to her already shitty resume.  At that point, her fate was sealed, and it was only a matter of time.  She was a smart girl, that Aileen.  Maybe autistic.  Practical anyway. She got the hint. Life was not going to get better some day. Not for her.  No idea why her, but this was not to be argued another minute.  What instead? Well, make the last days of freedom count.  So she did. She picked victims based on her understanding of what a rapist acts and looks like, and felt herself an avenging angel, helping to do god's work taking out felons.  She used the proceeds of her murder to keep her girlfriend quiescent and in hopes that girl would escape hell.  Save one life. Just one.  At the end she kept telling everyone she was going to heaven. I cry when I say that. I know she did. How could God put her in hell after putting her in hell as an innocent baby?

Ms. Wuornos is an example of hell on earth. of what happens when you destroy a person without cease or pause.  She never got a break in the suffering.   Life did not show her anything of value.  All of the things that people live for were with held.