queer history lessons

 I've been studying up on queer history.  Because youtube has it and it's there. But what's coming out for me is how much of my life has been subtly affected by straight moral codes. I've been SO queer, as a woman, queer.  I mean, all the queer man things, the bright colours, art, outrageous fashion sense, sensitive emotions, and on and on.  Queer as it gets. But female. Which made it feminine.  Ultrafemme sometimes. Yet not. Because I'm not. I'm a man. Even queer men get masculine sometimes and it leaks out. Which is fine when you're a man. But not so fine when you're a woman.  What would you get if you dropped a queer man, not a transwoman, mind you, a cisman. He is male and thinks of himself as male, etc., but straddles the middle of the gender scale with feminine qualities. Now were these inherent in my character or created by my experience? After all, I was being raised to be feminine. 

Well at any rate I see the sexin both genders so I can't exactly say I'm homosexual, but yet, it seems that many gays could choose to say they're bisexual and can choose either gender for their love affair. For some reason being indiscriminate of gender is worse yet?

But well, you can't cover up queer.  You may try, but let's face it, if it were possible, the straights wouldn't be so constantly striving to keep us down, would they? It would be so easy to just close that closet door when the straights are around and everyone would be mellower.  But see, even when you aren't shouting it around at them, the straights can't handle drift from center.  Maintain the familiar, they scream, keep things familiar, they cry.  We want to be able to predict our whole lives from start to finish with as much control as we can and when we fail, we blame god or the devil.  Queer people throw a wrench in the plans.  They're harder to enslave, you see. Often without a family to threaten, they have fewer strings you can use to tie them down. So they're more likely to non-conform on other more important things, like conservative values, the importance of rich people, and how life ought to be lived.  Look at Jesus, he really shook things up, because he didn't have a wife and children he loved.  people who can't be weighted down with children have been anathema to society since the industrialists built the first work houses.

Well enough about why.  how it affects me is what matters, that's what I'm working through.  (which is the point of this writing, dear reader, you are only a fantasy character providing motivation to write here instead of talk to someone)  

I've been affected by all the homophobia, which is a stupid term when it includes trans people and bi people too.  Queerophobia would be my take on it.  I've been affected directly as a consequence of being open about myself. I've been affected indirectly as a consequence of having it in my character.

So I keep thinking, when the world *thinks* I'm a cisman, will a lot of the problems fade away? Right now they think I'm a crazy middle aged woman. They used to think of me as a crazy young woman. but as a man, will they get past the crazy and think of me as just queer? Simply queer, like so many other gay men?

How much more social life might I have had as a male?  The queer community would have accepted me, but they never did as a female with too much interest in socializing with men, gay or straight.  The misogynist homos totally just subconsciously hated me and it was dead obvious.  So often it was dead obvious that I was being mistreated by someone because he hated my femininity.  Hell, my current spouse is one.  he's the type that steps in between you and your work, mansplaining loudly and angrily that you don't know what you're doing, and literally removes tools from your hands, using his larger physical stature to do it.  I can't work around him without a fight ensuing at some point where I assert my right to try and figure things out and he storms off cursing me.

Yeah, and that's been happening all my life too.

I need to have these pep talks with myself.  I don't know anyone who could understand to have them with me. I've never known anyone. Even the transmen I know seem more female than male to me.