rejection, do we ever get used to it?
It's petty, I know, in the light of your dead relative, cancer therapy, or the war in the Middle East. I get that. But it's not petty in my life or to me, you see, so I need to dish. I get rejected a lot in my life. More than not, really. I expect it's not the usual experience. I suspect people would a good deal nicer to each other if they got rejected as often as I do.
It leaked in my wonderful little vineverse where everyone but Jeffrey Marsh loved me. Someone I'd been following for months. He was a newbie, few followers, just learning, and I was following and would sometimes comment. I clicked the like button even when I didnt' like it. I commented supportive stuff. I wondered about him, enjoyed when he responded to my koi shots, etc. It was kind of a friendship. I felt warmly towards this person in Indonesia. Like, you know, if he ever brought his family to Canada I'd welcome him to town and show him around for the weekend kind of friendly.
I knew he was muslim and probably really uptight and if he knew me the way a neighbor does he'd look down on me and call me immoral. I didn't *know* but there was a good chance being from rural indonesia and it was clear he was the rich lord in town. Ergo, twice the likelihood he was picky that way. Still, it seemed he saw past all that surface political crap to the human below and there was some human connection. I'm not talking about men and women here, but genderless connections between persons. That difficult state I find so hard to get because so many humans are too deeply gripped by their hippocampus and it's demands.
Jeffrey Marsh? He's a man with an immaculate short beard and hair who paints himself with exaggeratedly bright colours and long lashes, like a woman for the stage, and then dons fancy women's clothing to pose or make a pithy statement for six seconds on Vine. He does a lot of encouraging statements telling people to feel good about themselves and it's made him wildly popular. Well, that and the freak show effect of a skinny beared transvestite. I mean, it's definitely a hook, right? So I can't see his vines unless someone else re-uses them in a vine and most of the time I forget about him and why on earth I got blocked. Was it a mistake? Was it on purpose and if so, why? I'll never ever ever know for all the days of my life. How in hell do you ask someone who's locked the fence why you can't come over to play anymore? You just go play somewhere else. you wonder if they say mean things about you to others and hope at least you're not important enough. it hurts.
So a week or two ago I mentioned I missed the colour vines Generasi used to make. He used to show us such lovely views. Now and then he'd bomb around by the art gallery and show us various scenes that could come from any downtown artist's ego party and sometimes he'd make creative stuff that might show a bit of something unique from his culture. I would hit the like button, say nothing because there's no reason to, and enjoy the stuff I liked. Then he stopped making it entirely! I don't know why, I guess he got bored and didn't feel like that was him? But today I said I was really tired of the black and white jittery video he was always using. He has had that setting on for months now! Nothing but the look of old celluloid movies, no sound, and no scenery. I guess he just wants to change his approach to Vine from "tourism" to "artsyasfuck." I don't know why it's so popular. Far as I can see, nobody likes the shit they're all creating but in order to get people to pretend to like theirs, they pretend to like it all. Then they all can go round buying each other's ugly creations, learn to see something likeable in it, and have a nice thriving economy together. I guess.
I have this honesty problem. I just don't like the way it feels to fake my way through a scene. I've done it with people I disrespect in order to get the experience over with but I avoid being in that situation as though it were Ebola (avoid it like the plague so to speak.) when I'm required to manufacture empty phrases that obscure the truth to coddle someone's feelings I feel a lot of negative emotions and I feel them physically. I feel angry at the deception. I feel disgusted at the weakness. I feel injustice at how I'm expected to do for others what they refuse to do for me. I have never felt accepted, how then would I turn around and pretend like that for someone who will ultimately like my fake smoke screen, but not me.
That last, that's the part that really forces me to not pander to people's vanity. I don't want to pretend my feelings, likes, and dislikes and reign in my personality because then it's NOT me. it's not the me I love. it's a fake me tumbled in a rock polisher till it resembles all the other pebbles and then I'm not me, I'm them. The me that is inside would then not only have been rejected by the entire species, but even myself. How could I do that to her? How could I stomp her out as though she'd stop existing? Who would ever actually love me, if I didn't?
Damn, got myself really weeping now. All because some indonesian muslim snob with an ego doesn't like me. They're always egotists, you know. There's more of them than us, those egotists. They put their ego first and assume everyone does and they'll send an entire country to the hell of War just to soothe the emotions of their ego. And here I am, with my ego crying on my shoulder, trying to pat it on the back while assuring it that reality isn't going to stop being shitty any time soon.
Would that I could just cut the hippocampus off altogether. It isn't strong enough to make me fit in but it won't just shut up and leave me alone either. that's where all these tears are coming from. My cognitive self, the reason, the something something cortex part, that's where the understanding, the thinking, and this writing, is coming from while the hippocampus writhes and screams like a man tortured and my nose and eyes run and my breath goes all screwy with hiccups. I wish I could turn it off and on and only turn it on for love. It's the only emotion I see any value in, and it doesn't turn my face into a swollen red mess with mucous gushing out. Love is the one emotion that doesn't make my shoulders plug my ears and my lungs shut up till I remember they exist from the asphyxiation. Damn I hate being alive sometimes. Like Sheldon Cooper, I would happily switch my body for a robot with no feelings.
But not at the cost of my brain acuity, which those "dumb you silent" drugs the mainstream society expects us to us for the problem.
No. I don't want to become permanently retarded as well as disabled. If it's not going to make me better, only move me sideways to a different version of fucked up, why bother?
I did find a way to add THC to the vape juice so I am using the carbonator (pipe) a good deal less and liking it not at all when I do. That's great. By the time I extinguish the current bowl's contents I may well put it away forever. No more fire, lighters, clouds of atomized carbon, stained teeth, bad breath, lung clogging and potential cancer, stinky clothes, and residue on the household furnishings. No more second hand smoke in my home and vaping is very easy to do stealth mode even without the smoke buddy filter system I was using. I could probably use that to hide the steam and "on light" if I vaped in the movies! I could vape anywhere if I was discreet.
I wish I could get that through to the vape boys, that in public they shouldn't be showing off unless it's in the smoking area because people need to feel comfortable around it, not overwhelmed! First time I ran into a vape cloud was when I went into the store the first time and it was really offensive psychologically. Like he'd knocked a chip off my shoulder, really. Except as I had no chip there, it was just a goofy gesture I could shrug off. Still, people getting their cause in your face is not the way to gain approval. Put it in their path, not their face. It's why I'll start using the word "steam" if anyone asks about it. Vapour may be technically more correct, maybe, but it's not a familiar enough idea compared to steam which is so universally accepted in a room. Steam is a vapour. I'm not sure if it references strictly water vapour, though. It's the vapour you get when you heat a liquid to vapour and it comes out concentrated enough to see. So, what I'm blowing out is steam. Glycerin and glycol steam rather than h2o. Some folks are concerned about nicotine particles in the air causing nicotine addiction. I mean, contact high is getting stoned from being in a cloudy room where a great deal of marjuana was smoked. Tobacco smoke and wood/building material in a room are clearly toxic. So they worry that when I exhale, some of the medicine I'm inhaling will hit them.
I promise you that won't trouble you. while there may in fact be some molecules of active ingredients released into the room, the volume in the case of a discreet vaper will be so minor that you're in greater danger from his cast off skin cells, which also contain the same molecules, or from the cologne a man just blew by wearing, or that cigar smoking man who choked you on the way by in the parking lot. No, seriously, you just drove a car here, tailpipe turning the outside air blue, and you want to worry about three or four molecules of nicotine or thc making it into the air?
I don't think that would get any traction if these boys weren't going out and showing off in bars and shops and cafes with massive vape machines and lungfulls that would have been a party trick in the 70s. Back then it was a lot harder to fill your lungs like hockey bags because it was actually smoke, not mist. So when a guy came along who could do that without coughing, it was truly impressive. A whole joint sucked back and the whole room filled with one exhalation and no coughing? Self control! Now? Just rude and leave it at the house parties where it belongs. Any young man with a healthy set of lungs can learn to do the same, it's dumb, and it's risking our option for healthy medicine delivery altogether, not just in public.
It leaked in my wonderful little vineverse where everyone but Jeffrey Marsh loved me. Someone I'd been following for months. He was a newbie, few followers, just learning, and I was following and would sometimes comment. I clicked the like button even when I didnt' like it. I commented supportive stuff. I wondered about him, enjoyed when he responded to my koi shots, etc. It was kind of a friendship. I felt warmly towards this person in Indonesia. Like, you know, if he ever brought his family to Canada I'd welcome him to town and show him around for the weekend kind of friendly.
I knew he was muslim and probably really uptight and if he knew me the way a neighbor does he'd look down on me and call me immoral. I didn't *know* but there was a good chance being from rural indonesia and it was clear he was the rich lord in town. Ergo, twice the likelihood he was picky that way. Still, it seemed he saw past all that surface political crap to the human below and there was some human connection. I'm not talking about men and women here, but genderless connections between persons. That difficult state I find so hard to get because so many humans are too deeply gripped by their hippocampus and it's demands.
Jeffrey Marsh? He's a man with an immaculate short beard and hair who paints himself with exaggeratedly bright colours and long lashes, like a woman for the stage, and then dons fancy women's clothing to pose or make a pithy statement for six seconds on Vine. He does a lot of encouraging statements telling people to feel good about themselves and it's made him wildly popular. Well, that and the freak show effect of a skinny beared transvestite. I mean, it's definitely a hook, right? So I can't see his vines unless someone else re-uses them in a vine and most of the time I forget about him and why on earth I got blocked. Was it a mistake? Was it on purpose and if so, why? I'll never ever ever know for all the days of my life. How in hell do you ask someone who's locked the fence why you can't come over to play anymore? You just go play somewhere else. you wonder if they say mean things about you to others and hope at least you're not important enough. it hurts.
So a week or two ago I mentioned I missed the colour vines Generasi used to make. He used to show us such lovely views. Now and then he'd bomb around by the art gallery and show us various scenes that could come from any downtown artist's ego party and sometimes he'd make creative stuff that might show a bit of something unique from his culture. I would hit the like button, say nothing because there's no reason to, and enjoy the stuff I liked. Then he stopped making it entirely! I don't know why, I guess he got bored and didn't feel like that was him? But today I said I was really tired of the black and white jittery video he was always using. He has had that setting on for months now! Nothing but the look of old celluloid movies, no sound, and no scenery. I guess he just wants to change his approach to Vine from "tourism" to "artsyasfuck." I don't know why it's so popular. Far as I can see, nobody likes the shit they're all creating but in order to get people to pretend to like theirs, they pretend to like it all. Then they all can go round buying each other's ugly creations, learn to see something likeable in it, and have a nice thriving economy together. I guess.
I have this honesty problem. I just don't like the way it feels to fake my way through a scene. I've done it with people I disrespect in order to get the experience over with but I avoid being in that situation as though it were Ebola (avoid it like the plague so to speak.) when I'm required to manufacture empty phrases that obscure the truth to coddle someone's feelings I feel a lot of negative emotions and I feel them physically. I feel angry at the deception. I feel disgusted at the weakness. I feel injustice at how I'm expected to do for others what they refuse to do for me. I have never felt accepted, how then would I turn around and pretend like that for someone who will ultimately like my fake smoke screen, but not me.
That last, that's the part that really forces me to not pander to people's vanity. I don't want to pretend my feelings, likes, and dislikes and reign in my personality because then it's NOT me. it's not the me I love. it's a fake me tumbled in a rock polisher till it resembles all the other pebbles and then I'm not me, I'm them. The me that is inside would then not only have been rejected by the entire species, but even myself. How could I do that to her? How could I stomp her out as though she'd stop existing? Who would ever actually love me, if I didn't?
Damn, got myself really weeping now. All because some indonesian muslim snob with an ego doesn't like me. They're always egotists, you know. There's more of them than us, those egotists. They put their ego first and assume everyone does and they'll send an entire country to the hell of War just to soothe the emotions of their ego. And here I am, with my ego crying on my shoulder, trying to pat it on the back while assuring it that reality isn't going to stop being shitty any time soon.
Would that I could just cut the hippocampus off altogether. It isn't strong enough to make me fit in but it won't just shut up and leave me alone either. that's where all these tears are coming from. My cognitive self, the reason, the something something cortex part, that's where the understanding, the thinking, and this writing, is coming from while the hippocampus writhes and screams like a man tortured and my nose and eyes run and my breath goes all screwy with hiccups. I wish I could turn it off and on and only turn it on for love. It's the only emotion I see any value in, and it doesn't turn my face into a swollen red mess with mucous gushing out. Love is the one emotion that doesn't make my shoulders plug my ears and my lungs shut up till I remember they exist from the asphyxiation. Damn I hate being alive sometimes. Like Sheldon Cooper, I would happily switch my body for a robot with no feelings.
But not at the cost of my brain acuity, which those "dumb you silent" drugs the mainstream society expects us to us for the problem.
No. I don't want to become permanently retarded as well as disabled. If it's not going to make me better, only move me sideways to a different version of fucked up, why bother?
I did find a way to add THC to the vape juice so I am using the carbonator (pipe) a good deal less and liking it not at all when I do. That's great. By the time I extinguish the current bowl's contents I may well put it away forever. No more fire, lighters, clouds of atomized carbon, stained teeth, bad breath, lung clogging and potential cancer, stinky clothes, and residue on the household furnishings. No more second hand smoke in my home and vaping is very easy to do stealth mode even without the smoke buddy filter system I was using. I could probably use that to hide the steam and "on light" if I vaped in the movies! I could vape anywhere if I was discreet.
I wish I could get that through to the vape boys, that in public they shouldn't be showing off unless it's in the smoking area because people need to feel comfortable around it, not overwhelmed! First time I ran into a vape cloud was when I went into the store the first time and it was really offensive psychologically. Like he'd knocked a chip off my shoulder, really. Except as I had no chip there, it was just a goofy gesture I could shrug off. Still, people getting their cause in your face is not the way to gain approval. Put it in their path, not their face. It's why I'll start using the word "steam" if anyone asks about it. Vapour may be technically more correct, maybe, but it's not a familiar enough idea compared to steam which is so universally accepted in a room. Steam is a vapour. I'm not sure if it references strictly water vapour, though. It's the vapour you get when you heat a liquid to vapour and it comes out concentrated enough to see. So, what I'm blowing out is steam. Glycerin and glycol steam rather than h2o. Some folks are concerned about nicotine particles in the air causing nicotine addiction. I mean, contact high is getting stoned from being in a cloudy room where a great deal of marjuana was smoked. Tobacco smoke and wood/building material in a room are clearly toxic. So they worry that when I exhale, some of the medicine I'm inhaling will hit them.
I promise you that won't trouble you. while there may in fact be some molecules of active ingredients released into the room, the volume in the case of a discreet vaper will be so minor that you're in greater danger from his cast off skin cells, which also contain the same molecules, or from the cologne a man just blew by wearing, or that cigar smoking man who choked you on the way by in the parking lot. No, seriously, you just drove a car here, tailpipe turning the outside air blue, and you want to worry about three or four molecules of nicotine or thc making it into the air?
I don't think that would get any traction if these boys weren't going out and showing off in bars and shops and cafes with massive vape machines and lungfulls that would have been a party trick in the 70s. Back then it was a lot harder to fill your lungs like hockey bags because it was actually smoke, not mist. So when a guy came along who could do that without coughing, it was truly impressive. A whole joint sucked back and the whole room filled with one exhalation and no coughing? Self control! Now? Just rude and leave it at the house parties where it belongs. Any young man with a healthy set of lungs can learn to do the same, it's dumb, and it's risking our option for healthy medicine delivery altogether, not just in public.