The next 50 years

 I don't think of myself as fundamentally negative, but my conversation with others certainly has been.  I've been trying to figure out why, and what to do about it. Well, the why is the idea that they'll resent me if they think I'm doing well. That's been around all my life.  In fact, it really is the core of the problem.  Well, take my big sister, she really does resent me for anything good in my life, believing I don't deserve to have anything good. My mother too expresses this idea that I shouldn't be happy because I haven't earned the right, in her mind, to be happy.  You're not allowed to be happy and in debt according to her, unless you're so damn wealthy that you probably could pay off the debts if you chose to. Or something.  I mean, we're talking about the logic of bitches here, so it's twisted at best. But it definitely infected me.  Oh and there's been many many people since who tried to make me miserable because I wasn...

 I will forget to retitle this even after I remember why I wanted to type it. See, short term memory is kinked but it still passes to long term memory and can often just pop back up after the requisite tame frame.  Or not... I really can't believe how loud my old neighborhood is even off away from the park and school. The noise from downtown floats unreliably into the ears, on an off according to the win. Cars move down what seems like a quiet side street, like it's an arterial. Which I guess it is, as it's the only one that crosses the rails and joins the main road to the north, other than the arterial, at this part of town. Not sure why this is preferred to the main road, but at a guess, being able to get away with speeding is one reason. I hope nobody is too drunk to see the bus or I'm having a lousy night.  I keep thinking about moving but it's so late, I'm so high, and all ready for bed and extremely stubborn.  I won't sleep here twice. For now, Phyllis...

 Sitting in the repair shop coffee room from 8am till almost 3pm and hoping they finish by 3.  I spun all the wool I had with me, the rest is on the bus, and besides, the spindle is full.  And I brought nothing else except my laptop for amusement. The dog is really fed up with sitting around.  I've taken her out twice but the last time had to keep it short.  I don't have my sunglasses with me and my eyes simply refuse to tolerate full sun at all anymore. Even from the shade.  Thanks chemo and radiation... We are getting the muffler replaced and they had to do some fancy workarounds because they couldn't find a proper fit for my ancient bus. So here I am trying to kill time, getting restless and bored only watching videos.  Hungry too, I ate at 6:30 AM and it's been that long now. Whew.  and that's all I can think of to type about...

 Oh it's been a long time coming but I finally have reliable electricity!  I can run my appliances and electronics. If the sun is high, then the power is free.  The batteries and system can stay charged while running the fridge and get recharged by noon on their own. So that means I can run a vacuum or the stand mixer, and in fact I did use it today.  Interestingly enough, it had trouble going slow, so that might be a thing to use rarely, when I can't do it by hand. Early tomorrow it's muffler time and I'm so nervous as usual.  Will I forget things and have them go flying? But I have been tying and strapping for two days now, should be ok. The clutter is shrinking, thank god, and will only shrink further as I pack better or unload useless items. Missing Timmy has been tolerable most of the time.  I avoid maudlin songs and such that might trigger me to think deeper about him.   I find myself just pissed at anything anymore, and it's definitely comi...

   I was taking the bike around the industrial area to get some things and brought the dog.  She did really well, although we went awfully slow.  I don't know if her feet were hot or her body or both, but we stopped for water periodically and whenever close enough, stopped at the little storm pond with a beach. She quite enjoyed walking down to belly deep water and snorting bubbles as she drank.    At one point, I was coming out of a driveway, I'd been checking routing with my phone, and I needed to turn left out of the driveway. There was an intersection I could have used but I know how to cross traffic.  However, there was a cross walk over on the OTHER SIDE of the intersection in which I was not. I was the first driveway south of the intersection, the crosswalk was on the north side. Nevertheless, one stupid person sat there waiting on me?  I didn't realize it at first, because he might have been making a left and not signalling. This woman com...

 yah, that's it, Timmy wheezed himself to death last night. Drowned in his own lungs due to congestive heart failure.  It's been utterly heart breaking and his death is a relief to me as well as him. But of course I'm weeping and I can't eat breakfast, although I should try. Gotta feed Rene, who is now the only dog. Hope she likes it.  I'm glad she's here.

Ffunny, but being grieved over Timmy feels so familiar.  I've cried this hard before.  He isn't gone yet, how hard will I cry returning from the vet? He took a turn for the worse friday night and has just gone downhill since.  I am certain he is dying and can't be saved.  We have an appointment for the vet tomorrow and we can have him euthanized then.  He is trying hard to care about my feelings but at the same time, dishease is ravaging him.  He can't breathe. Just pants shallowly and if it wasn't for the CBD drops, would cry constantly.  He hurts.  I've been dosing him and if I could, I would overdose him. But CBD isn't morphine and it doesn't do that.  So it helps him cope with the situation and helps cut the pain down, but he is dying and that is the hardest thing to do. and to watch. poor mite can't be comfortable now, nothing works. Too tired to sit up, can't breath laying on his chest, and it just hurts.  It's so heart breaking. I...