working through negativity

 I don't think of myself as fundamentally negative, but my conversation with others certainly has been.  I've been trying to figure out why, and what to do about it. Well, the why is the idea that they'll resent me if they think I'm doing well. That's been around all my life.  In fact, it really is the core of the problem. 

Well, take my big sister, she really does resent me for anything good in my life, believing I don't deserve to have anything good. My mother too expresses this idea that I shouldn't be happy because I haven't earned the right, in her mind, to be happy.  You're not allowed to be happy and in debt according to her, unless you're so damn wealthy that you probably could pay off the debts if you chose to. Or something.  I mean, we're talking about the logic of bitches here, so it's twisted at best.

But it definitely infected me.  Oh and there's been many many people since who tried to make me miserable because I wasn't miserable enough for my station in society. 

So yeah, I'm afraid to look happy an positive  because I am tired of being taken down a peg or two.  And I don't know how to get around that fear. On the one hand, I could assume that the bitches are not common, although they sure have been common.  Yeah, the other hand, I could continue to just stop trying. But this isn't what I want. I want to find decent people. But I don't believe they exist.  I believe they only seem decent due to putting up a front.  I believe if I was positive, they' just consider it bragging and fronting anyway.

Oh man, what a sticky wicket, eh? 

Well it won't be solved this fast but getting it written down will help me noodle on it.

I'm in a mall parking lot waiting for my appointment time. I kind of want to wander the mall but feel like I waited too long and there's not enough time. Maybe when I get back from the appointment. 

My solar was tanked at 12.0 this morning. I can go as low as 11.59 but dislike seeing something below 12.5. I definitely need a monitor inside because going outside and undoing straps sucks.  

The spot I slept at last night was hella noisy till about midnight, then dead quiet till 7am when the trucks woke up and started working in the empty lot. I won't park there again, I hated the traffic level. Pedestrians walking and pausing way too much around my bus, drunks ripping up the asphalt as they sped past, that kind of crazy. Also, the noise from the downtown, yuck. 

Negativity....  Ok. last night wasn't the ideal spot but 

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