solar power!
Oh it's been a long time coming but I finally have reliable electricity! I can run my appliances and electronics. If the sun is high, then the power is free. The batteries and system can stay charged while running the fridge and get recharged by noon on their own. So that means I can run a vacuum or the stand mixer, and in fact I did use it today. Interestingly enough, it had trouble going slow, so that might be a thing to use rarely, when I can't do it by hand.
Early tomorrow it's muffler time and I'm so nervous as usual. Will I forget things and have them go flying? But I have been tying and strapping for two days now, should be ok. The clutter is shrinking, thank god, and will only shrink further as I pack better or unload useless items.
Missing Timmy has been tolerable most of the time. I avoid maudlin songs and such that might trigger me to think deeper about him.
I find myself just pissed at anything anymore, and it's definitely coming through to other people. I try and keep to myself and that doesn't help. Not exactly sure what to do to resolve my disgruntlement with how things are vs how I was told they should be. Expectations are the root of all suffering, said Buddha and well, that's an example. Except anger doesn't feel like suffering, it feels like power. Which I suppose is part of why I carry it, it feels like strength. Strength in my back, strength to resist, to be willing to be rude for my own need.
Like today. I get a garbled phone call from a heavily accented woman about confirming my appoinment on thursday and she marked it urgent, the cheek. I call back, and get a phone tree that includes neither my dr's name nor my reason and go through it 3 times trying to figure out what to press. Finally started pressing numbers. 0, no, 1, ring ring ring. Woman is not accented, unless "bitch" is an accent? But she wants me to spell my first name too? Joe? Joseph? sheesh. Now she wants to me to dig out my health card number and I'm starting to seriously question if this is the right office. She's saying I'm not in the system, and I MUST comply now, and oh bother, I hung up on her when she started that tone with me. "have a nice day, click." I know I'm in the system because I got a damn call, eh? I hate having to deal with this endocrinologist merely to maintain a working medical regime when I can sense and feel if it's off anyway. I'd like to just call and get the test papers sent or pick them up, whatever, and see them IF I need to, and why can't it be a phone call anyway? why must I sit in those godawful rooms feeling restless and hearing all the other patients in their rooms?
Well anyway, it's a great example of how I just don't have any fucks left to give. I guess maybe it's endemic in the population, really, and perhaps why she's getting so fed up too that she's coming at me so hard that I get my back up. But damn that phone tree mentioned a lot of doctors, not mine. I could have had the wrong clinic.
So I made cookies again. Am eating the last of the canned pint soup from home, but the gear I need to can more is up on the roof so no despair, we'll get there. I need places to park for a few days to do stuff like that and I guess plan the stop around the chores?
Where to stop is still an unknown, something I haven't really learned, but if I"m willing to tolerate a highway near, I've seen a lot of options just off the highway over the years. rest areas, point of historical interest pull offs, that sort of thing. I'll have to drive this bus a good while before I try any dirt track roads, but if Dan's along and he checks it with the van is another way to deal with it. while I'm quite proud of how well 've handled it so far, I'm still terrified of what I don't know I don't know, you know? I am very glad I didn't know when Timmy would die.
See, that's a thing. Your soul knows it's time here, or how it's structured, anyway. It may be mutable for some of us, and fated for others. Only your soul knows. When getting a psychic reading, the reader reads this future on your soul, and then has to figure out how it applies to your mental space now. that which you do not want to know, you simply won't know, understand, hear or accept. It's willful ignorance of the spiritual sort, and it definitely applies to things like the death of a loved one or oneself. We could know, but we really actually don't want to, even when we think we do. Like I said long ago that my father would die in his 80s and he did indeed. Not his 70s or 90s, right smack in the 80s. Now I grant you that ten years is a high tolerance, and I agree, I may have said 82 and he may have made 84, or maybe I said it right and he died at 82 or I said 84 or maybe I said something entirely else and maybe he died age 86? See, I honestly can't remember those details. That's math dyslexia, aka number aphasia for you. I can kind of do numbers and kind of can't and it's spotty as hell. I would have to break "no contact" with my relatives to find out and those I would talk to have been grey or no contact with me and my family for a very long time. Who knew we were the problem family? LOL Not my parents, apparently. I think my sister uses her finances to force family connection, but actually, she's the only one with offspring... Laura did not have children. Mike had one, who had one. John dropped out in 1981. I had no offspring. Uncle marcel had none. So of the kin in Canada, my sister did all the DNA spreading by having 3 kids, one of whom had 3 kids, and so on and so on.... I used to be racist enough to think my DNA had value in the world, but not anymore. Who fucking cares? There's such a crazy wealth of variety, one lost sapling is irrelevant. I often try and express that to people but they just see the ego death, not the phoenix rising from it's ashes. The flight, the freedom, the truth and release of need. It's brilliant. It stops being important enough to ruin your day, week, etc., whatever it is. Oh you can still suffer emotions, the ego doesn't really die, it's put in it's place and pouts, that's all. It's through my ego that I type. that I process. That I feel and read and write and speak and listen. The ego is a key part of the reasoning mind. It just needs to mature into someone who gets how truly irrelevant we really are as individuals to anyone except ourselves, and those who choose to value us. Now you can appreciate their value more as well. No longer need to feel bigger than others, because small is fine. Forgiveness of your flaws because you have no need to be perfect, meaning you can work on change without anguishing over the need to change. Don't feel the need to push people's boundaries or make them like you, but also don't need to not be nice because it isn't being done to make them like you, it's being done for your own self respect.
It's not a straight line from sheeping to woke, it's more like the susurrations of waves and tides on the seashore. We jump and fall back, step sideways and forward again. Progress is hard to gauge until we notice some relevant point on the horizon that has shifted perspective and realize how far we've moved. But we're still climbing and falling.